Life Contracts

“Are you going for a bike ride?” I enquired as my husband’s naked frame walked around the bed with something in his hand.  “No I am coming back to bed Sweetheart” he quietly responded as one often whispers at dawn even though no-one else could hear him in our holiday apartment.  The kids have gone back to Brisbane and our friends don’t arrive until this evening to share New Years Eve with us here in Noosa, so there is only us here this morning.

I was pleased he was awake and asked if he minded if I chatted to him before he went back to sleep.  I love the quiet soft light of dawn, it was 4.30am my favourite time of day, early morning, to talk about love, life and sacred special stuff.

We hadn’t really had much time to talk since I decided on my new book child’s name Emotional Monogamy as he was out playing golf at Coolum for most of the day yesterday, and I wanted to share my excitement and thought processes with him.

My husband, whom I call Mr. Delicious in my written work to protect the innocent, is a rugged gentleman, aged 52 who is an engineer with a wonderful heart and mind.  I remember when I met him what impressed me most apart from the fact that he is a gorgeous hunk of man, was that he seemed emotionally braver than any man I had ever conversed with in my 42 years of life.  That was five years ago now but still today he is the male mind I respect most on this planet and feel blessed to call him my husband.  I learn a great deal from him about a male’s view of the heart and the world.

“Well when you say Emotional Monogamy, in relationship to a person’s union or marriage to themselves, are you talking about self respect, is it the same thing?” he queried.

“No it is very different.  Many people have life contracts with themselves that are only one or two dimensional.  And like a two legged bar stool, they fall over by mid life.  They might have a physical contract and a firm commitment with themselves, like the AFL elite athletes I have worked with in Melbourne.  They are true and loyal to the physical dimension of marriage they have with self.  Then there are those academics I train who have solid relationships and deep commitments to their intellectuality, their minds, and will defend their work, thoughts and rationale till the death.  And these people all have healthy levels of self respect in relation to their mind and bodies.  But they come to work with me because when it comes to matters of the heart they have fragile and superficial life contracts.  They lose themselves in intimate relationships, not find themselves, because the third dimension, the heart of life, is missing”. I explained.

“Often, they have no real sense of heart self, and therefore it is very difficult for them respect a part of themselves that they are unfamiliar with.  How do you respect a person you are unfamiliar with?  You can’t until you get to know them.  And many high achievers have private lives that are out of balance because the heart contract has not yet been established.  The other dimensions of their life contracts are in place with mind and body, but the one that matters most once the body ages and we retire from the career is neglected.  So their head and heart don’t waltz in harmonious union, they are at war and ready to divorce themselves and some already have when it comes to matters of the heart.  They give up on love, make fun of it and write it off as a naïve concept for the weak.  When in actual fact only a brave heart can maintain true love.”

“Are you with me”?  I wondered if he had gone off to sleep as he was lying with his back to me.

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Many sports jocks, not all, but many can’t make it work long term with a woman, they get plenty of shags but you get tired of that by mid life because you are looking for more from a woman than just her body.” He rolled over on his back and looked at the ceiling digesting my words and blinking in thought like he does.

“The same goes for the career women.” I responded.

“Many of them I work with don’t know how to partner in love, body and mind sure they are masters, but the heart, no they are still emotional virgins.  They only know how to be dominant or submissive when it comes to matters of the heart.  Most I work with have trouble holding true to their emotional needs.  They repress rather than honour what they feel.  And until a man or woman can know what their heart needs then honour that they will never find anyone else will honour them, and thus remain emotionally bankrupt and malnourished, and blame other parties for not meeting their needs when they have no fucking clue what their hearts needs are themselves.  How can another meet your needs if you don’t even know what they are?”  I explained, only pausing for a millisecond as I had more to say.

“And … the best physique and bank balance or academic acclaim doesn’t tickle your back with love or hold your hand when you are afraid.”  Sorry am I going on too long, do you want me to shut up, I asked?

“No, no its fine Sweetheart, I like to hear the sound of your voice, keep talking but can you tickle my back while you do?”

He rolled back over onto his side and as the room slowly became lighter with the morning sun, I felt so grateful for my life on this last day of 2009 December Thursday 31st.  It has been another year of many challenges, but a safe and sober year for me and for that I am deeply amazed and grateful.  My fingertips danced like fairies across his huge muscular back.  I closed my eyes to drink in his beauty.

A new clause in my life contract with my heart has been added late this year.   It is my commitment to sharing the literary pregnancy I am experiencing with my third book child Emotional Monogamy with you my dear reader.

Happy New Year to you.  I hope this evening is a peaceful and joyful one for you.

The word vitamins I will take today and would like to offer to share with you follow my signature line.  Remembering these will help me stay sane and sober on one of the most challenging days of the year for a sober and clean addict and were penned many years ago by Robert Louis Stevenson.

“To be rich in admiration and free from envy, to rejoice greatly in the good of others, to love with such generosity of heart that your love is still a dear possession in absence or unkindness – these are the gifts which money cannot buy.”