Emotional Monogamy

I had just closed my eyes after placing my favourite faded, fuchsia pink floppy hat over my face and had slid my black bikini top straps under my arms when it kicked me hard for the first time!

I wrote only days ago in my first blog about choosing to admit publicly that I am definitely pregnant with my third book child.  Like a mother whose body changes when she is with child, a writer’s heart also changes shape throughout gestation.  Even if we re-think the commitment and decide to terminate our book child pregnancy and don’t go full term, the private truth that we once were pregnant and desired to parent a book child, never leaves us. 

Like a pregnant woman’s bladder frequency increases as the baby squashes her from the inside, words and ideas interrupt me at the most inconvenient times when my heart experiences a literary pregnancy.  The urgency for a pregnant mother to find a loo and quickly, is exactly the same for me when new words press on my heart.  I can only hold off on writing my ideas down for so long and then I feel like I am going to bust and am excruciatingly absorbed with this discomfort until I can find pen and paper, or get to my laptop and release them.

The words Emotional Monogamy kicked me hard.  Resting in almost a meditative state by the pool in our Noosa holiday haven with the sun on my skin some passive word titles started giving me an internal fashion show for my heart to admire.  This felt comfortable as it was a private, gentle and entertaining show of Heart Couture and reminded me of that beautiful quote “Words are clothes that thoughts wear” (author unknown).   I was required to do nothing but observe and be mindful of the moments and at one with the word show.  Many of the potential book titles were flirting with me, winking and swirling trying to move my heart, and were very attractive but not strong enough and would not have fit this new book child I am proudly and protectively carrying.

I had been pondering the William Shakespeare quote that I had signed my last blog off as I began to doze which is what got my heart gently fluttering with this parade of pleasing word choices.  I have held onto this particular Shakespeare’s quote for the past fourteen years like a young child who clings to a bunny rug for comfort.  It is one of my staple word vitamins and I say it to myself whenever I feel that being me is wrong or risky.  When I forget and try and convince my heart mother, Beautiful Barb through my tears that I was wrong to speak my truth and be me, she gently soothes me with these words like a mother sings a lullaby to a distressed child.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man”.

Then came the unmistakable first kick.  Emotional Monogamy took centre stage to a standing ovation.  It fits perfectly!  I opened my eyes and knew my time relaxing at the pool was limited.  It was divine. A hand tailored perfect fit, and a relief that the name was given to me so soon.  It reminded me of when I decided on the title of my second book Emotional Fitness I needed the name before the spine of words could form and grow, and it too came to me in a moment of quiet rest.  However with my first book child A Helping Hand, I had to complete it then read it before I was sure of its name.

I had my last dip in the pool as the sun was getting very bitey, then wrapped my visually pleasing new pink and green sarong around my wet togs and made my way back to our air-conditioned apartment.  I had had enough sun anyway and thought I would squeeze in a little more sacred writing time in.  The boys had gone back to Brisbane with their girlfriends to record some new songs before their January tour, and Mr. Delicious was still out fishing.  Quiet time alone, I do cherish it.

My core motivation for writing this book is to document new clarity and learning’s I have gathered like treasures over the past five years.  I have so many manila folders fat and full of what to me are precious gems scrawled at traffic lights on serviettes, pieces of paper and in notebooks waiting to be made into a divine ensemble of functional, hand crafted, heart couture.   The coloured thread that it makes common sense for me to use to string these beauties together will endure the wear and tear of daily life for anyone recovering from any heart fatigue or trauma.  I always seem to come back to William Shakespeare’s timeless silken yarn.

“To thine own self be true”.  Or in my words “to thine own self be emotionally monogamous” …  thus the book child’s name will be Emotional Monogamy.

Most people agree this is great advice, this being true to yourself first and foremost business, but for any of us mere mortals that try to live it, like myself we soon discover that it is way, way, way, easier said than done.  It is less emotional effort for me most of the time to commit to being true to my sons, my husband, therapist, Barb or strangers in a recovery group than it is to be consistently true to myself.   Kidding myself, or being in denial as my therapist would respectfully put it is easier and quicker for not just me but most of us.  Instant gratification if you will.  Denial is an efficient, quick but short term only fix.  Like a household band aid over a deep vein cut, you haven’t got that long before things get messy.

Facing our truth is without a doubt the ‘Road Less Travelled’ as Scott Peck so succinctly put it.  I heard another great title from a fellow author at a conference I recently presented at in Sydney called "The Truth is Longer Than a Lie" it is I am told invaluable reading for social workers, child protection workers, counsellors, legal professionals and anyone working with abused children and is written by Neerosh Mudaly and Chris Goddard.

So we all know the word Emotional, but the word Monogamy and its origins?  Well it comes from the Greek word monos "μονός", which means one or alone, and the Greek word gamos "γάμος", which means marriage or union. 

When I concluded the final chapter to A Helping Hand my first book child back in 2001, I bought myself a rose gold wedding ring as a symbol of the written commitment I had just made to myself and the emotional contract I had just entered into by giving birth to my first book child.

That is why I write every day, to ensure I remain in communication and committed to my marriage to my own heart.  And why I am committing to sharing the journey throughout 2010, the lead up year to my 15^th Anniversary of recovery.  I will continue, to the best of my ability to live one day at a time in an emotionally monogamous quality marriage with self and share those ups and downs with you. 

I am not going to pretend there haven’t been before and won’t be again times when I want to run away and dive into a pool of champagne or disappear in a puff of sweet marijuana smoke and divorce myself.  But  … these days I am able to work things out through words one way or another.  Talking does help a great deal but sometimes I don’t know what I feel and can’t verbalise and explain it to those trying to understand me until I write.  Writing is like putting a coin under a piece of paper and colouring over it with a led pencil.  Writing makes my truth visible for me, and enables me to be true to myself first and foremost.

Nine years later after the publication of my first book child, the daily challenge of living a lifestyle of recovery is easier in some ways now and harder in others like any long term marriage.  It involves honouring not repressing emotion and not just facing, writing and speaking my truth but following it through with action so I can live the life of my dreams.  Even if it means others accuse me of betraying them.  I find that really tough and some of the hardest emotional homework to do.  To agree to disagree without being disagreeable, I am still very much on my trainer wheels with this lesson.  I used to always choose to betray myself and please others as I valued my marriage to their approval more until October 12, 1995 when I stepped into the recovery world of Narnia, and life has never been the same. Thank God!

Emotional Monogamy will be the anniversary gift to my hard working and well deserving heart.  And as I type the words well deserving the urge to delete the well deserving text is present.  I can freely admit I work hard at trying to be a better person every day.  But to finally give myself permission to write out aloud that I believe I am well deserving made me wince, like disinfectant on a wound.  More on that later for that’s a whole chapter. 

In this new book I will share in full and on my blog daily excerpts on how the hell one lives this concept, one day and at times just one moment at a time.

Some other Word Vitamins I use regularly to bolster my emotional health that I will also take another dose of today are:

“Can you bear the accusation of betrayal from another and not betray your own soul?”     Excerpt from The Invitation, author unknown

Love Cynthia

© Copyright 2010 Cynthia J. Morton

Emotional Fitness™  Emotional Monogamy™