Anger Awareness

Beneath our anger we discover our fears, beneath our rage we discover our trauma.

Often the view is taken in life that the angry person in any situation is always in the wrong.  Many of us are told as children that to be angry is bad, dysfunctional, unspiritual and unloving.  Therefore as adults we can fall into the habit of becoming angry at ourselves and others for being angry, because we believe it immediately makes us or them wrong.

Not knowing how to respond to our own and others feelings of anger constructively, can leave us feeling inadequate for many of us only know how to react destructively, so anger becomes married to only destructive life experiences.

We can also be mistaken and confuse anger with acts of rage, violence, abuse and cruelty.  In my experience when I am enraged or working with others who are afraid of their own rage, beneath it, I have found,  lies a traumatised heart. 

What is considered trauma? I am often asked. 

I have observed since working in the field of trauma and addiction since my own recovery began in 1995, that those who live with heart trauma tend to minimise the big traumatic event in their past and catastrophise minor events in their present as a way of coping.   When once experiences abandoment through death or have biological parents unavailable to care for them or experience acts of betrayal, cruelty, abuse or neglect, these are painful events that traumatise then immobilise the heart, if left unaddressed.

When a person becomes enraged, and it seems like an over reaction to a minor event in the present moment, it can be helpful to recognise that an old heart wound from their past has been disturbed, and the enraged person is in deep pain and emotional turmoil.  When someone shares with me about their uncontrollable rage, that frightens them, I remind them of some wise words by Dr. Karl Menninger "What's done to children, they will do to society". This is why, in  my opinion, it is so important to resolve and heal from past traumas, otherwise we are destined to keep repeating them, or acting them out.   Our heart will be consistently drawn like a magnet back to what hurt it the most, so it can  recreate the situation where the trauma occured to provide an opportunity to heal once and for all.

This is why so many who live with unresolved heart trauma resort to substance abuse.  It acts like an emotional condom or emotional sedative or numbing agent,  that protects a wounded heart from further damage.  What starts out as a solution for us in the early days, becomes a problem down the track in life, if the trauma remains neglected.

Once we understand that anger is an emotional response that does not have to result in a destructive reaction we can be a constructive adult when anger presents itself in our lives.  Anger is an inbuilt alarm system that goes on like a red light inside of all human beings.  Anger is activated when an act of injustice has occurred and caused loss in our life or another's.  Whenever anger is present so is loss".  Therefore it is often helpful to ask the question when anger arises "What does this person feel they have lost?"  or "What do I feel I have lost?" It is usually a basic human birthright like love, respect or security or the triggered memory of a time when this has happened in the past and been traumatic and remained unresolved. 

To assert ourselves when we feel angry is a constructive response.  To assert is to declare, claim or state our position without shaming or apologizing for ourselves and our view - also without attacking or personally belittling the other party.  It is a life skill that few adults master as it requires an elite level of emotional fitness and balance to place principals before personalities.  If this is an area in our lives that needs improvement, it is wise to become willing to be teachable and seek out emotional elders and mentors who can help us learn this empowering response through example, so we can learn how to preserve our birthrights to love, respect and security.  Anger that is not expressed responsibly and resolved is destined to be internalized and takes the form of depression, it is often said in clinical circles that depression is anger turned inwards.

Aggression (shaming another) or submission (shaming ourselves) are the most commonly used reactions to anger and always create a destructive outcome.  It is healthy to understand that every human has a right to be angry, but no human being has a right to be cruel. 

Before I embarked on the road of recovering my self-respect, I had no concept of what it could feel like to be a calm and assertive adult.  I always admired others who could remain calm and true to themselves in the midst of disagreement and opposition - but could never achieve it for myself.  Black and white in my thinking I often behaved as an emotionally immature teenager if others opposed my opinion or said no to me.  My response would be only ever fight or flight - I could not remain present to my truth without making them or me wrong.  I would even punish them just for not taking my side.  School yard character assassination was also another reaction I would indulge in to try and gather support from others ganging up on the person who dared to disagree with me.  Or at times I would just "ice" them from my life, never discussing the issue I would no longer look at or speak to them.  In other words, I would sulk.

Right or wrong were my only two options with opposing views.   I mistook agreement with me for love and approval and disagreement with me for dislike and contempt - for I had no sense of self and believed if you rejected my views you were rejecting me.  My naked truth involves admitting to myself that I am a work in progress at mastering this rare ability.  To calmly assert myself it becomes a balancing act of not shaming myself nor the other party when the opposition arises.  It is an opportunity to learn about different perspectives and broaden my view and perhaps even the other parties' view.  I know I am far more readily able to receive information or consider another point of view if the person disagreeing with me is respectful in their approach. 

These days I now choose to respond as a balanced adult and my new approach to conflict and opposition will leave me feeling empowered and heard as an equal.  I aim to practice separating the issue from the person and to put principles before personalities as this is calm assertion in action.  To be an adult who can calmly assert myself enables me to give and receive information and continue growing and learning all throughout my life.  It is a sure fire way for me to continue to plant seeds of respect in my heart for myself and others.  I have always loved that saying that  "A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a person.....Kites rise against, not with the wind".

When I was running a drop in centre back in 2004 we ran Calm Assertion Workshops and they were always booked out.  I thought I would include in today's blog the top ten most productive anger response options that my clients shared with me in these workshops.  Sometimes, we need to put space between ourselves and the other party or situation so we don't react destructively when we are angry.  I hope some of these suggestions albeit obvious I know, might heighten your awareness as available options next time you feel emotionally trapped by your anger.

Feel free to add to this list some options that you may already know work for you, or that so that you don't feel so lost when you are next angry and can act responsibly with some tools that work for you.  The result can then be that you don't hurt yourself or another, but honour your personal boundaries, face your fears and prevent neglected fears fermenting into terrifying rage.

1. Remove yourself if you are feeling destructive 
2. Respectfully speak out your preference face to face without an expectation in the outcome 
3. Send an email, make the phone call or write a letter if face to face contact is not an option again respectfully stating your preference without an expectation in the outcome 
4. Get another opinion from a safe and wise elder if you are feeling confused 
5. Go and throw something valueless against a wall (eggs, old plates) 
6. Go for a run, walk, hit a punching bag, go to the gym 
7. Swear and scream in private to release any tension 
8. Cry if you can in a safe place or with a safe person 
9. Write it out 
10. Sleep if you can 

So in understanding that to be angry is not to be wrong, it just means we or others are emotionally responsive human beings.  We no longer need to marry anger to destructive experiences and can utilise anger to be a constructive, connected and caring human being who is able to focus on solutions rather than just the problem. 

When we re - act all we do is mirror back the initial act repeating back to the other party the injustice.  We become the very thing we are upset about. We can choose to take responsibility for managing anger by understanding it.  So instead of reacting out of fear when anger presents itself, we can respond with ability, with love and care for ourselves and others.

You have probably heard these beautiful Word Vitamins before that were spoken by Gandhi, but they are most definitely worth remembering and repeating to ourselves when the issue of anger arises in our lives. 

 "We must become the change we wish to see in the world"