The Cold Shoulder

'Everyone has the right to be angry, but no-one has the right to be cruel'. 

I was told this clear truth in the early days of my recovery from drug, alcohol and childhood abuse.  This was a relief for me to hear this, as I was angry about many things, but had no desire to become a cruel person.

However I had mastered the art of giving myself and others ... a very cold shoulder at times, and was not fully aware of how this can be a very passive aggressive way of delivering emotional cruelty and becoming a silent bully.

The origin of the phrase "The Cold Shoulder" is from as far back as 1816 and translates still today, as a display of coldness or indifference, intended to wound another.  It is said that in this era, visitors to a house or Inn who were welcome were given a hot meal, but those who weren't and who outstayed their welcome were offered only a cold shoulder of mutton.

Whether we enter a shop, a home, a place of employment or a social circle, we all hope for a warm welcome.  The cold shoulder however is something most people experience in their lifetime delivered usually as a silent message of rejection.  It can be conveyed with a deliberate look or no eye contact at all, with body language, by leaving us off of an invite list, neglecting to return a phone call, not responding to an email or even just by a shut or locked door that is usually left open for us.

Most of us will admit to giving those we work with, socialize with and even love, the cold shoulder at least once or twice in our past. These situations unfortunately,  are not our most emotionally mature moments.  However sulking (which is what the cold shoulder is) often occurs,  due to being in a state of emotional overwhelm.   When we don't have the emotional fuel or just don't know how to calmly assert ourselves in a particular situation we resort to this behaviour.  And ... we do use it as a passive aggressive snub of disrespect nonetheless.

I have listed some common behavioural clues to look for within your own relationships to increase your awareness on identifying this behavior.  It is often said that we can't change something we can't see nor understand. 

1. Choosing to remain mute, emotionally shutting down and avoiding eye contact, due to the fear of exploding and becoming an aggressive warrior.
2. Choosing to remain mute, emotionally shutting down and avoiding eye contact, due to the fear of imploding and becoming submissive dormat.
3. The desire to punish ourselves or another, in order to regain control and make things fair choosing an "I'll show them" attitude.  I will deprive myself of happiness, that will really punish them.  Hmmm.... as I said, not our most mature moments.

When we give another the cold shoulder treatment, this behavior is simply an extension, I have observed, of what we have firstly done to ourselves.  We have decided to neglect our responsibility refusing to make an effort to build our self respect by speaking up for ourselves calmly and assertively.  We have chosen to sulk instead.

It's rarely pleasing to not get our own way, but as any adult knows it is not healthy for a child to always get their way.  They learn neither coping skills nor how to handle rejection if they are always given in to when they have a tantrum.  Just because we are adults that principle does not change.  To keep maturing we need to continue learning lessons to build our character, in the hope of one day becoming true Grand Elders and even Grand Parents to up and coming generations. 

Character building is a term I choose to also call emotional homework.  It is rarely comfortable and in my experience never convenient.  I always have something else I would prefer to focus on that suits my ego more.

When another treats us with disrespect, responding to them with disrespect just keeps the wheels of fear, emotional immaturity and disconnection turning within humanity.   No progress is made if nobody can be bothered with the emotional effort involved in taking the higher ground.  We prolong self inflicted suffering and sacrifice our self respect, when we become the very behavior we have been wounded or disrespected with.

It is said in life, that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  We put emotional pain on pause when we refuse to address our core issues.  If we reject, dismiss, ignore and minimize our own feelings this is dishonesty at its most damaging as we emotionally injure ourselves.  If we have a habit of doing this, over years we become very fragile, sensitive and deeply hurt and often feel like the walking wounded.  So when an external source also does this, our pain is magnified.  We can fall in an emotional heap very easily.

However if we are honest with ourselves, one day at a time, to the best of our ability we will increase our levels of Emotional Fitness and resilience.  When we pay attention to our emotional needs, address our vulnerabilities, honour our principles and become emotionally self supporting, others giving us the cold shoulder have far less impact on us.  We are more likely to shrug our own shoulders and leave them to their sulking until they realize they are wasting their own time with their tantrum. 

Sometime the most loving and respectful thing we can do for another, is leave them be.  This doesn't mean we have to behave poorly and resort to putting our nose in the air and stomping off slamming the door behind us.  We can offer a warm smile, inform them that we are going to leave them be as we can see they are upset, and will return in a little while to check on them and see if they are ready to talk.

When life excludes us and asks us to sit on the sidelines and give someone else a turn, it takes the grace and dignity of an adult to remain respectful to ourselves and those having their turn in the limelight.  It takes maturity and self discipline to remember that everything has its season.  At times like this when I get a no instead of a yes it takes great strength for me to surrender my ego, stand true to my belief and commitment in myself and let Mother Nature and Father Time, disolve my fear and educate my heart.

However I am in no danger of becoming a saint, and still get regular homework on this topic.  When I roll over in a huff and turn my back on others, it signals my lack of emotional flexibility, or at times, my lack of emotional fuel required to put in the effort required to exert maturity.  I often give the cold shoulder to others, let's be honest, I really mean my darling Mr. Delicious would cop it the most (my darling hubby) when I am over tired.  So this is something I need to be mindful of.

When the temptation to freeze your shoulder arises, consider some supportive inner dialogue you could comfort yourself with.  These are phrases that you might perhaps offer someone you care about if they were feeling, angry, hurt or rejected.  When we internalize warm, loving dialogue, we can thaw our cold shoulder behaviors and do a full emotional u turn, actually bringing others closer rather than creating more distance.

I become the cold shoulder queen when my inner language toward myself is harsh.  When things don't go my way I always give myself the cold shoulder first, then it dominos outwardly in my behavior towards others.  It is the harsh hope killing phrases I used to use on myself years ago, when I was in full flight addiction and denial, that do me emotional damage when I resort to using them.  Phrases like:

1. They don't care about me, nobody wants me
2. I can't trust anyone; people will always let me down
3. I am not good enough
4. I am too much hard work for anyone
5. People that care about me die, leave or give up on me
6. I always get unfairly punished no matter how hard I try to be good

You may have others, but these are my cold shoulder phrases that I use to abuse myself and turn myself against myself first .... and then become the ice queen to others.

We suffer so unnecessarily with rigid cold shoulders because of phrases like these.  These sharp word weapons damage our self respect and peace of mind and heart.  I will share with you some words I use these days, to comfort myself and help me make the challenging emotional u turn I need to so I can thaw my cold shoulder habits.    When I am successful at this I don't push those I care about away, but bring them closer to me.  If my old habit of self harm arises and I  revert to one of these six cold shoulder beliefs creating more problems for myself,  these words offer me a solution and help me self care, instead of emotionally self harming.

They don't care about me

I comfort myself by remembering that some people don't choose me, as I don't choose them, but there are those who do care about me, and it is now safe to let them come closer to me.  I can roll over, phone, email or look at some photos so that I can allow myself to feel and remember I am lovable.  The most important person I need to care about and choose to love, is me.

I can't trust anyone; people will always let me down

I remember that I am learning to trust myself more each day, and it is healthy for me to understand that all people are fallible including me.  I focus more on trusting and accepting myself just as I am today.  I am a work in progress and am growing my trust from seed, so it might take time to feel really strong with trusting, but I will get there if I don't give up on myself.

I am not good enough

I look at a photo of myself as a child and remember that I am more than good enough; I am of equal value to any other human being on this planet.   It is impossible for anyone to be everything to everyone.  Some people won't like me and they are entitled not to, but I like me a lot.  No actually I love being me these days and feel relieved to be able to admit that to myself.

I am too much hard work for anyone

Sometimes when I feel like I am too much hard work, it doesn't have anything to do with other people.  I have just been being too hard on myself.  I have not been allowing myself to relax and be fallible.  All quality relationships involve work and commitment; I choose to remember that I am worth the work it takes to get to know me.  I also choose to remind msyelf that it takes work to get to know anyone intimately.  Unless you of course are only superficial, and that's not me, I have substance and emotional depth that I am proud of.

People that care about me die, leave or give up on me

People in my past may have died or left and I have felt abandoned by those instances.  It is understandable and natural that I would feel that way.  I was left alone.  The trouble was I abandoned myself too at that time by believing I had done something wrong or was being unfairly punished by God or the Universe or whatever.  It is important I don't abandon myself again and turn a cold shoulder on myself if others are taken out of my life.  I am not to blame for everything all the time.  It is not always about me!  People die because it is their season and they leave because that is their journey, and I cannot control that.

I always get unfairly punished

I am more peaceful about the reality that life is unfair at times and under no obligation to give me or anyone else what we expect or demand.  I may have been unfairly punished in the past, but it is up to me now to stand up and speak up for myself with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. 

When we can accept, that at times we need to reject or decline an offer from another for whatever reason, and not make ourselves or the other party wrong, the outcome is peaceful.  So when others also have to choose this option and bypass us, we can be gracious and emotionally mature in our response, with practice over time.  When we act like a child having a tantrum, it is hard to feel good about ourselves.  But it is important not to punish ourselves for past cold shoulder behaviours.  We all do what we can with what we know.  We cannot change as I said earlier, what we cannot see.  Massaging hope into the cold stiff shoulders of ourselves and others without punishment or shame is the most productive way I know of building self respect, creating peaceful outcomes and building our emotional strength and fitness.

As I write each blog and share it with you, I am reminded that I am always writing out what I need to learn.  I have found that the written word, helps me so much in understanding the silent and invisible inner world of emotion.  There is much to experience and learn when trekking the unexplored jungles of our own hearts.  It is important for me to remember the wise words my heart mother Beautiful Barb often says to me when I have emotionally stuffed up or reverted to an old dysfunctional behavior ..... "Remember it's about progress not perfection, Love".   So the Word Vitamins I selected for today's blog help me remember, for I set the bar high for myself when it comes to building my character and Emotional Fitness and striving to be all I can be.   They are words written by Ralph Waldo Emerson and offer comfort for those of us that keep trying to be the most loving and productive versions of ourselves we can be, one day at a time.

"We aim above the mark to hit the mark."