The Brave and Beautiful Black Sheep

Shit makes great fertilizer... If you want to grow beautiful roses, you will need some manure. When I meet people in rehabs and jails who say to me that they ‘can’t get their shit together’ or that they have had ‘so much shit go down in their lives’ this is when I remind them of this phrase.

These people often see themselves as I did when my recovery from drugs and alcohol began back in 1995 as the Black Sheep in their families and in society. They feel like social misfits. So often people like us feel that our tribe and the people we emotionally belong with (our heart family) are those that also feel like they don’t belong.

We remain outsiders, boundary riders, living on the edge of life, where there is extreme heat and coldness. The warmth of social connection we tell ourselves we don’t need. We connect with disconnected people.

Drugs, alcohol, rebellion and denial often feature in our relationships for they enable a safe but superficial connection whilst our vulnerable hearts remain locked away.

One of the bravest and most beautiful Black Sheep I have met is a man who is now almost sixty who we will call Sergio. I met him for a coffee recently and sat in awe as I have always done over the past six years of working with him as he recounted the death of his recent lover. He had found her in a bath full of water with her wrists slashed and bottles of pills and vodka sprawled across the bathroom floor.

“I just needed to talk to someone who gets me” he grunted his words when he spoke.

I felt privileged to be a safe person for this weary warrior. When I saw the movie Sin City it was like watching Sergio’s life. Mickey Rourke who played the role of the tough square top warrior that loved the Madame (sex worker) in the movie looked exactly like Sergio does today.

Sergio has spent more time in prisons than he has living in society throughout his 60 years of life. He was conceived through a rape and grew up knowing only violence, beatings and emotional war fare, in his birth home, Sicily. His father was with the Italian Mafia. Sergio’s family migrated to Melbourne Australia when he was a young child. He was nothing less than a child genius. A Chess champion by age six, Sergio was a straight A+ student. Today his retention of literature and political history is astounding. He is a true student of the Universe. He has studied in life’s toughest universities. Jails, brothels and the world of crime as a powerful and feared Drug Lord.

When the Australian TV series Underbelly went to air Sergio spent a great deal of time speaking with me about whom these characters really were and his view on the happenings in the crime world in Melbourne during this time. He is mesmerizing to listen to.

“I put a fork in that fat fucks face in prison. He was no top dog in there, he was a rat and he soon found out he answered to me. No he wasn’t just a rat, he was a real pussy.” Sergio laughed setting the record straight for me if ever he thought the characters were being portrayed as braver men than he found them out to be in person.

The work Sergio and I have done together over the past six years of his recovery has been mostly on massaging his hope and self respect. He had very little hope and respect for himself and society. Why would he, he grew up in emotional war fare and neglect.

“I am scum, my family calls me scum but none of my brothers go and visit my 90 year old mother. They just send money and make sure I am not invited to any family events. Sergio explained in our first meeting.

He had been in and out of jail many, many times. Often committing a crime so he could go back inside where he knew the lay of the land. Where he was respected. He knew how to live inside. It was in the outside world that he floundered.

When I was interviewing clinical staff to work with me in my drop in centre back in 2004, I would trial them and ask Sergio if he would attend the groups that the potential psychologist or psychiatrist would be running for me.

“That guy is a landmine. He is dangerous and unsettling.” I heard these comments repeated many times to me by trained clinicians, when Sergio was present in their trial group.

What I found interesting as I sat in the groups also, was that Sergio often did not even speak in the trial groups. He would just sit and listen. He did have a huge presence.

“Well I agree, some of my clients could be viewed as emotional landmines, so what do we do, give up, sedate them or help them learn how to self sooth and self care so they have other emotional options other than to explode.” I would respond.

Those that found Sergio and some of my hardened sex workers intimidating just by being in their presence were not going to be able to hold a safe space and massage hope for my clients. This work was not for them if their hearts floundered in their very first trial group.

One of the biggest hurdles for Black Sheep like Sergio and me has been to find a safe place to anchor our heart. To feel equal, respected and that we belong. I often say to my Black Sheep “Most people spend the second half of their lives getting over the first. We don’t have the monopoly on fucking up in life you know. You are just gutsy enough to own it and make some changes.” I too had lied, cheated and stolen in my 19 years of drug and alcohol abuse. When a human being is disconnected from their heart they commit heartless acts. I too was an angry young woman who was very promiscuous in my teenage years. I used to use and devour men like chocolates. I understood Sergio and knew that beneath his intimidating scarred face and excessively muscular and fit frame was a true gentleman.

In my six years of working with him, he has never shown me any disrespect. He would wash coffee cups, put away chairs and ensure he took the young tough guys under his wing. He would remind them that he is only just coming back from where they are headed if they don’t do their heart work.

Feeling equal and that we belong is essential to our emotional health and wellbeing. When I run groups in rehabs finding safe tribal support is what I remind inpatients of as the very first step in the three essential steps it takes to build Emotional Fitness.

1. Safe tribal support

2. Becoming Teachable, finding wise respectful Elders

3. Daily Self care

Sergio was always either loved or hated. Those that could look past his exterior and took time to listen to the genius and the madness that had threaded through his life were always left in awe at this man’s brave and beautiful heart.

I was recently speaking on a panel at an international conference in Sydney and the subject was “Is Rage the new Black”. I was asked to present along with the other panelists on my personal experiences and professional work with this topic.

I told a story about Sergio that had the delegates cheering at the conclusion. In a nutshell Sergio's story recounts his journey as he was heading to an evening Emotional Fitness Group in Bris Vegas. It was raining heavily and he needed to pass through, on foot, the peak hour of inner city Brisbane around 5.30pm.

He had to cross several pedestrian crossings to get to the South Bank Bridge. As he stood at the lights in the rain without an umbrella an executive in a fine cut pin striped suit stood in front of him at the crossing. This “suit” as Sergio called him had his umbrella open and was talking on his Blackberry. As this guy spoke he bumped Sergio in the cheek with the spike on his umbrella. At that moment the lights changed to green and the suit walked off into the heavy rain.

At the following intersection Sergio stood behind the suit again with his heart pounding but chose to self sooth and not react. “It was probably a mistake, he didn’t see me, he didn’t mean it, let it go.” He was saying to his pounding heart.

At the second intersection ‘the suits’ umbrella scraped his shoulder. Once again, “the suit” was unaware, and Sergio took a deep breath inwards and practiced his breathing to calm himself.

But by the third intersection was a different matter. This time ‘the suit’ still on his Blackberry oblivious to anyone around him and the size of his mammoth black umbrella, poked Sergio and the woman standing next to him.

Sergio was relaying these events to the group later that evening after arriving very wet, but very elated at his progress in handling this situation.

“So when the fucker poked me and this woman for the third time, I took a deep breath and grabbed his umbrella in my fist, scrunching it closed. “The suit” turned around in shock, the poor prick was oblivious I could see that on his face, and I actually took time to look into his eyes as Cynthia has reminded me to do and see him. But I did drop the umbrella on the pavement and stamped on it giving it a twist as if I was butting out a cigarette. I looked directly at him, said nothing and did not touch him.

For Sergio this was huge progress. As I recounted this story on the panel at the conference, after filling them on Sergio’s past as A Black Sheep in society for many years, they applauded Sergio’s new level of emotional fitness and success.

For someone with such a violent background like Sergio’s this was a monumental step forward for him. Only weeks later Sergio was walking along the street in Fortitude Valley on his way to the gym when an unmarked police car screeched to a stop onto the pavement in front of him. The officers pinned him to a wall as he looked like a guy that was on the run from the underworld in Melbourne at the time. Once they checked his ID they let him go. Years ago, Sergio would have fought back and blasted them with obscenities and most likely have been arrested as a result. But he was able to calm himself and no longer act like a criminal even though society still treats him as a Black Sheep.

He has not been back to jail for 7 years now. The longest stint he has ever done on the outside.

For those who identify with The Black Sheep label my heart goes out to you. I have been privileged to observe many, many brave and beautiful hearts recover from the Bad Black Sheep stigma into Brave and Beautiful Black Sheep. I have worked with well in excess of 7000 Australians in recovery and have yet to meet a Black Sheep that has not had a childhood of abuse, violence, addiction or neglect.

I don’t desire these days to pretend my past is anything other than what it is. I write this blog not for approval, but in the hope that my honesty might be useful and helpful. My crises have been my greatest gifts and I know this to be true for those Black Sheep who choose to recover.

I have observed many that are able to install the three principles of Emotional Fitness into their emotional diet in recovery succeed. They are now living life rather than just surviving. They are able to grow the most divine roses in their hearts gardens, and become grateful to be able to recycle the manure from their pasts, into something worthwhile.

I hope you visit me here again soon. Until then, I would like to share these Word Vitamins as food for thought.

"What's done to children, they will do to society." Dr. Karl Menninger