Running on Empty?

Three divine days in Paradise The sun, sand, surf, sex, sleep, snuggles and spectacular sunsets. The photo above is of the view from our verandah of beautiful Moreton Island.

One would think this combination would emotionally re fuel most people. By my third evening away on Moreton Island, with all of the above filling my days and nights, I was out of emotional fuel. I found myself running on empty and had to put myself to bed early.

It surprised no one more than me and my ego. I did not see it coming. But now in hindsight if I look at all of my holidays away, unless I ensure I self care and use my emotional fuel carefully, this normally happens to me by day three.

When I first got into recovery there was a lot of information given to me about the biochemical nature of an alcoholic/addict like myself. And the three day, 72 hour timeslot was mentioned a great deal by different people for varying reasons. You see when I got clean and sober back in 1995 I had no idea what an alcoholic or an addict was. I really thought they were those drunks in the parks that were illiterate, uneducated and mentally challenged. And some alcoholics and addicts do fit that profile, but they are the minority.
The three day, 72 hour self evaluation question is a useful and informative one to ask anyone who struggles with booze, drugs or any addiction.

Whether it is folklore, myth or fact can be debated from many angles. But I have found it to be a sound benchmark over the past 14 years working with my fellow alcoholics and addicts. The question goes something like this:

“Can you go longer than three days without your substance of choice without using deliberate control or feeling deprived, craving it or obsessively thinking about it?”

You see, throughout my 19 year career of addiction, I could go three days without a drink or a drug. Easy peasy. I could go three weeks, or months if I really focused. But it was a controlled discipline. It was not enjoyable and the whole time I felt deprived. I did not always get drunk of off my face every time I used either. But if I controlled my using, it was always in order to keep up appearances, or try to prove to myself that I didn’t really have a problem, and not out of true desire. It was a chore and felt like a punishment. Like I was being kept away from my only true lover.

If I went three days without using something to “take the edge off” of life by the fourth day I would need and crave something. I might only need one or two glasses of wine, or a gentle joint or a few pills or painkillers. It would appear harmless to others looking on. But for me on a private level I was desperate and had to have it.

I would rarely get a hangover, and did not need to use to excess every time I indulged, however I needed and craved my lovers (booze, pills and drugs) every 72 hours, if I had gone without.

Now I am in recovery I find the reverse to now be true. I need to indulge in a deliberate act of self care every 72 hours if my daily routine is altered due to holidays, guests staying in my home or travel whilst working. I crave it and if I go without it I actually cease up and stop. Like a motor vehicle stops when it is out of fuel. I have three days of emotional mileage in reserve these days I find. It seems to me like when I drive my car and I hit the E on my fuel gauge that tells me Black Betty (my VW) needs to be refueled. From the point of E onwards I know roughly how long I can drive before she will be absolutely empty.

When I am away from my basic daily routine (holidays, guests and travel) that I deliberately structure to ensure I never go below a quarter of a tank on my emotional fuel, I hit E quicker than I can sometimes predict.

My ego is still alive and well, and likes to write cheques with my mouth and head that my heart cannot always cash with emotional fuel. Because my life now is so full of new opportunities, which require me to access my emotional fuel tank in ways I never have before, I hit empty sometimes way before I would have imagined.

Our holiday on Moreton Island was delightful don’t get me wrong. My husband Mr. Delicious and I went away with The Glamazon, The Greek God and their three children. We stayed in a divine apartment, three bedrooms, three bathrooms, air-conditioned with all the bells and whistles of a luxury resort. It was divine.

So what used up my emotional fuel so quickly then you might well ask?
Well sometimes it is not just one thing, but a combination. A bit like carrying shopping bags up from the stairs of my Old Queenslander home from my car. I can sometimes manage six in one trip. This means three green bags on each arm, depending on what is in them. Other times however, I can only manage two. Light weight items such as packets of chips, tissue boxes, cotton wool and the like might take up volume but don’t carry much weight, therefore I can carry up to six bags in one trip. But cans, watermelons, a large bottles of soft drink and other heavier items, take up both volume and weight so I can only carry perhaps two bags.

Three trips up my stairs including just two heavier bags can tire me and use up more of my physical energy than six trips, with six lighter ones.
Holidays, travel and guests in my home demand more emotional energy for me than my everyday life does. This is because these events, or emotional shopping bags, hold different emotional issues than daily life does.
I am now just starting to learn what weight and volume some of my emotional issues involve that don’t occur so much in my daily life.

1. Being around others who drink and smoke socially
2. Socializing with new people or being in crowds
3. Change in sleep patterns
4. Change in eating patterns
5. Change in living environment
6. Being around young children
7. Being around respectful, heart connected, biological
families
8. Holding my ground assertively with loved ones

I have been clean and sober for over 14 years now so socializing with others who recreationally drink and have a cigarette from time to time is not an issue for me in daily life. I do it regularly but know that after 5 hours in this environment I need to then excuse myself, and can do that easily and go home.

When on holidays however, I use up more emotional fuel than usual after 3 days if I am around others who drink responsibly and smoke for the enjoyment of it. For I cannot go home to my familiar routine and environment.
Socializing with new people is not something I look to do. I am an unapologetic introvert and am also blessed with a few intimate and divine friendships. So making small talk with strangers, I find emotionally draining. Also being around crowds that I cannot escape from, like on a ferry over to Moreton Island, can drain my fuel tank very quickly. I feel trapped.
Changing my sleep patterns on holidays because we are dining late at a restaurant or up chatting until the early hours takes its toll for me after three days of it. In daily life I can do it here and there but ensure I put the sleep back the next night.

When we holiday or I travel, I eat differently and at unusual times. If flying to a foreign country I might lose 12 hours or gain time, can really mess up my appetite and sleep patterns and use up big volumes of my emotional fuel.
New living environments don’t always have a place I can go to for solitude. I recall our apartments in New York and Paris when we travelled and how small they were. I had to go and recharge in the bathroom, as it was the only place I could find albeit crammed room to journal and meditate.
A new one that I only discovered this weekend was being around children. I love them but am still very much moving through the “empty nest syndrome”. Yes my sons have been living away from me for quite a while now, but I miss them still like crazy.

Being around three darling boys aged from 6 to 13 was a delight. Making them hot chocolates that I used to make my sons warmed my heart. Cooking lasagna, which I haven’t done in years and preparing other meals that I used to cook when on holidays with my sons at the beach bought back a melancholy I did not see coming.

Coupled with the fact that both my sons are currently on tour with their band travelling around Australia I think about them a little more when they are so far away with other seasoned, international rock and rollers on tour. Yes they are grown men aged 21 and almost 23, but that doesn’t stop me praying they are safe and sound every day.

It was our third night on Moreton in our wonderful apartment. As I sat overlooking the ocean, at the evening table, my husband returned with the three boys after fishing on the jetty. The boys were so excited and so very cute with the fish they had all caught. A lump rose in my throat, and tears filled my eyes. I was tired, and wanted a drink and cigarette soooooo badly. I wanted something to take the edge off of all I was feeling. I still don’t like to feel uncomfortable feelings. The knee jerk reaction to refuel with a quick fix from days gone by was too close for my comfort.

I knew I just needed to cry in private and self care.
“I hope you don’t mind but I need to lie down for half an hour, I am tired”. I said, the words coming out of my mouth without my consent almost.
My heart was speaking up. My head wanted to argue and my ego wanted me to be everything to everyone nonstop during this break, but I was on empty, all out of emotional fuel.

“Sure sweetheart.” My dear friend The Glamazon said supportively.
I went into the silent bedroom, took off my clothes, dropped naked to my knees in the dark and prayed.

I pray to Mother Nature and Father Time every night before I sleep. Tonight on my knees with my head in my hands and tears welling in my eyes, I gave thanks. I was grateful that I did not pick up a drink or a cigarette, or the need for their approval, but was able to be honest with myself and put myself to bed with love as I would a tired child.

The Glamazon knocked on my door about half an hour later.
“Sweetheart, are you all right?” she asked quietly as she slightly opened door.
“Yeah, I just need some time out.” I replied.
“Okay”. She said. She knows me well and knew that I would be fine if I was left alone to self care.
I fell into a long, peaceful and deep sleep.

My ego struggled a little the next morning, but my heart was stronger for the rest. I had allowed myself to go too close to empty this time. Not realizing that being around little boys again would bring up some grief. Not being needed as a hands on mum like we are when our babies live at home was an element of my life I still miss, and that needed to be honoured.

Not to mention the M word on top of all of this. Menopause. Yes I hit for the first time in my life whilst on Moreton Island, 70 days without a period. I feel very odd indeed and am also grieving the last phase of my fertile years. However I am embracing the new phase of Eldership and the bravery and character required of me if I am to become a Grand Woman and who knows even maybe a Grand Mother one day.

I was so grateful last night to return home to our love nest in inner city Bris Vegas. I spent time watering my pot plants at dusk, had a shamelessly wonderful slice of the choc cherry cheesecake I had made and held Mr. Delicious’ hand as we watch TV in our favourite arm chairs.
It is good to be home, I missed writing to you and look forward to hopefully meeting you here tomorrow or when you next get time to visit.
Knowing how to care for my heart or my spirit as some like to call it, is improving with age. I am getting better at looking within so I don’t go without. These are my Word Vitamins for my ageing heart today that you are most welcome to share with me.

“The spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines. “ Plato