Obsessive Compulsive or Passionate Discipline?

Like trying to keep a large red plastic beach ball full of air, pushed down under the waters surface in a swimming pool ... it also takes a lot of energy to suppress our true desire to love and also to be loved. 

Our hearts pure passion for love will keep popping up every day; it is how human beings are programmed.  Giving up on yourself and your heartfelt dreams requires dedicated daily commitment when we are fear driven and don't know how to give ourself permission to follow our truth and let love in we can become Obsessive Compulsive about emotional self deprivation.  Some of us identify with feeling happier being unhappy,  more comfortable being uncomfortable, and more peaceful when we are emotionally disconnected from ourself and others.

Respect, love, abundance, praise and happiness can trigger deep fear for those who have a history of being disrespected, abused, criticized and emotionally malnourished.  Receiving love can be painful, like disinfectant on a wound.  Receiving love can hurt when we start to heal and recover.  It feels wrong, uncomfortable and foreign.

I believe that it is our birthright to let that beautiful big red ball of hope (your heart) rise and stay on the surface of your life so you can play and have fun with it. 

When living from a place of fear without emotional support, our passion and drive to release our dreams (the big red ball of love) will be something we fight and try to suppress.   It will be scary and too overwhelming to try to handle without support. (See Emotional Fitness section on Home Page for more on support)  Drugs, alcohol, work, food, money and chaotic drama filled relationships are convenient focuses to obsess about.   These temporary weapons of mass distraction can be effective decoys that will ensure we take our eye of the ball.

"I need something to take the edge off"

"I am too busy to follow dreams, some of us have to work in jobs we hate, I have to pay my bills"

"I forget to eat, I don't get hungry"

"I deserve my comfort food"

"I will spend money secretly and live on credit and in debt; money burns a hole in my pocket"

"I can't afford that, it's alright for you to have dreams, I need to save, I am too scared to spend"

"If you had my mother, father, sibling, child, lover, boss or life history you would understand why I have given up on trying anymore, it's too hard and I can't be bothered"

The amount of energy it took for me every day to pretend I didn't have bigger dreams increased with time.  I lived for 19 years as an active drug addict and alcoholic up until 1995. What I have found is that whilst I was denying my truth and my heartfelt dreams, living in fear, I conveniently remained emotionally exhausted.  I was not living, nor coping, but barely surviving emotionally.  I was a wreck and found that drugs and alcohol "took the edge off" and the above list of phrases came out of my mouth often as excuses as to why I needed to be a victim and live a compromised life.

Without love and hope for ourselves and life, our dreams and heartfelt passions can become a burden.  I became an anxious, obsessive, repetitive person who did the same things, with the same people, day in day out, year in year out.  I was so fearful of not controlling my external environment because my internal world was so chaotic.  I was at war with the big red ball of hope and love that kept popping up inconveniently, every single bloody day.   If I was sober for too long or in a state of being and feeling instead of doing my dreams would rise and nag me, nudging me to get out of my own way and enjoy my life.

The solution I concluded to combat my anxiety, in all my wisdom back then?  More weapons of mass distraction!

If I kept busy doing, doing, doing, I could keep my hope and dreams suppressed more successfully.

In clinical terms Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviours aimed at reducing anxiety. 

Having personally been an Obsessive Compulsive person in my past prior to my recovery, I have great compassion for others that identify with some of these traits.  Love and hope made me anxious.

You could say I still have the pre-disposition to be Obsessive Compulsive these days I flip this destructive energy over so it is now an asset not a liability.  I still have a huge drive; it was strengthened by years of denial.  It takes a big drive and a huge commitment to deny your truth every day.  It is a destructive habit nonetheless but a transportable skill.

I describe myself and those who choose to build their Emotional Fitness nowadays as Passionately Disciplined.  It is a lifestyle choice.  Like turning an envelope inside out, the energy I obsessively used to use to self harm, I now passionately use to self nurture.  The discipline is a daily commitment to do my best to let love and hope into my life, every day.  Some days I am more successful than others.

So every morning I ensure I make time in my morning ritual of mediation to let that beautiful big red ball, pop up and bring a smile to my face.  It keeps me emotionally buoyant with love and hope throughout my day and the evening ahead.

We can choose to be Obsessive Compulsive about fear, and negativity and all the reasons why people don't change, and life sucks.

Or we can choose to be Passionately Disciplined about love and positivity and celebrate the greatest human potential, our capacity to change, and why life is beautiful and wonderful.

It takes time to build tolerance to receive love.  Like an elite athlete training they only compete against their own personal best times.  I observe in my own life and in the lives of those who choose to build their Emotional Fitness, that allowing ourselves to love and be loved, to let love into our lives and to be strong enough not to sabotage it is a lifelong project.  I just try to mind my own business and not compare  myself to what other women my age are doing.  I focus on increasing my own capacity to increase love and hope in my life and reduce fear and anxiety one day at a time.

Fear and denial suppresses our heart and results in us living a life that feels emotionally numb, dead or asleep.  It takes a lot of guts to choose to be emotionally awake every day, and present to your own heart and the hearts of those that love you.  

Passionate Discipline is not for the faint hearted, but is available to anyone.  Even those who identifies with being slightly or even full blown Obsessive Compulsive.  It is the same energy as I have said before,  in reverse.   Becoming disciplined about giving and receiving love and holding onto hope is a lifestyle choice like keeping physically fit.  Emotional Fitness is not something you stop and give up on if you choose to continue to improve as you age not decline.  The word disciplined derives from the word disciple which means to follow.  Do you follow your fears every day or your deepest heartfelt dreams? 

I always think of the movie Shawshank Redemption when I think about Passionate Discipline.  If you haven't seen this movie it is well worth it.  You could call the lead actor Obsessive Compulsive about his daily commitment and ritual to escape, but what I choose to see is a Passionately Disciplined man that would not give up on hope and is love for a free life.

So as a recovering Obsessive Compulsive and a proud Passionately Disciplined middle aged woman, I can report that making the commitment every day to let love and hope re-enter my life has worked miracles.   And ...  I see it also happen for others every day.   The human spirit needs love to grow.   I hope you have a wonderful day, and thank you for sharing this space with me.  My Word Vitamins for today are:

 "It takes a person who is wide awake to make their dreams come true" Roger Ward Babson