A Thirsty Heart

"Well done Honey on your sobriety, I am so sorry you can't join us and share some French champagne, you are a very brave girl."  

If they only knew how relieved I am these days to have an excuse to not sit at their table and listen to their bullshit.  I was the Queen of Bullshit as an active addict alcoholic back in 1995.  My inner Drama Queen is now in retirement, and loving my abundantly peaceful life of self respect ....  and honestly I prefer drinking a tall glass of sparkling mineral water with fresh lime; it doesn't drain my self respect.

Every time I fly, not with wings in my dreams, but on an aircraft ... I make sure I have a window seat so I can be as close to the clouds as possible.

Day dreaming is still one of my favourite and deliberate pastimes as a grown woman almost 48 years of age.   It has become a habit I embrace with necessity and joy.   As I sit in my grown up clothes gazing out of the aircraft window I emotionally prepare for my forthcoming keynotes.  Tomorrow I fly to Rockhampton to present at a Domestic Violence Forum for clinicians.  At other times I may be preparing to address a large international audience, a male dominated workshop in a prison or rehab, or a socialite's luncheon where intoxicated women at times condescending slur their support for my work.

To prepare for these emotional challenges that require immense balance and maturity for me, in order to maintain my self respect and the respect of others, I need to emotionally "work out" beforehand.   An integral part of my emotional preparation involves meditation and centering myself.  I release my anxiety and fear by exhaling it out and visualing it as dark smoke, then I inhale love and peace which in my hearts eye is a beautifully and elegantly fragrant, soft pink mist. 

When I fly on an aircraft, I feel suspended in the arms of Mother Nature and Father Time, my hearts parents.  I ensure whilst in the air en route to my destination that I connect with the silent language of my heart, to the awesome beauty of nature and the mysterious and powerful hands of time.  Every time, without fail, when I relax and exhale my fears, and ask for help, every time ... help arrives with a strong sense of peace and warm strength.   I smile and close my eyes grateful for the companionship and reassurance of my hearts parents, and I no longer feel alone or overwhelmed.

The fragile and vulnerable part of us all that often needs parenting and reassurance is the innocently wise, darling little child inside us, the original "sleeping beauty" or the young "peasant boy" who is destined to become a king.  This often forgotten part of us quietly speaks, and patiently waits hoping to be heard.  If we surrender our busy thoughts about what we must do for long enough and spend time just being with ourselves and this gentle part of our core self, we can eventually become whole adults and embrace all of who we have been, are now ... and who we can become. 

Fairy tales I believe all hold an ancient core message about human hearts overcoming fears and not giving up on love.  A message we all are familiar with in the silent places of our heart. 

Happily Ever After is not a naïve childish dream.  It is an adult's birthright.  If we can learn how to master the skill of facing our fears (our dragons, aliens, monsters, and villains) head on and not give up, we will build character and quality of life.  We all deserve to love being who we are.  And when we fall in love with ourselves and our lives, we know how to find our way back to true peace and happiness ever more, no matter how far off track our fears and destructive head talk may try to take us.

When I am willing to let go of my thoughts in my hectic head, that has so much going on, like peak hour in New York City, and just feel my heart ....the fear based traffic stops.  It is then that Little Cynthia slips her hand into mine to remind me of what is truly important.  She engages me with delight as we become one and I surrender the war between my head and heart and they resume a slow and intimate waltz together.   The gentle fairy like touch of her tiny hand in mine is my cue, my reminder to feel, still my mind and remember I am worth believing in. 

Her internal touch, like a whisper, saved my life almost 14 years ago when she trusted me enough to visit me in my meditation at dawn.   It was the end of my marriage back in 1995.  It was a brave move for her to come out from her hiding place, as I came out from mine.  I made a silent heart promise to Mother Nature, and Father Time, my heart's parents, that morning on October 12, 1995 to stop hiding behind drugs, alcohol and fear as I began to learn to live clean and sober for the first time in almost three decades.  The child inside of me heard my surrendered and desperate oath and believed in me enough to back me and help me.  The disconnected internal sides of my heart, the adult woman and the little child had always silently communicated in my past during my darkest moments to our sacred Great Out Doors (my way of connecting to my God) where we had always found and felt loved, seen beauty and hope in flowers, sparrows, butterflies, lady beetles, rain and clouds.

Little Cynthia and the adult part of myself today, always travel together to a beautiful and majestic place soon after her arrival in my morning mediation, which I truly believe is the refined art of day dreaming that children do naturally.  Our hearts mode of transport often changes, we of course have our own wings, but sometimes we fly on the wings of Snowflake the white dove, Ollie Owl the tawny Owl (that also made a guest appearance in Lord of the Rings), or Eunice my Lavender Loving Unicorn.  We always fly far away from where I am because usually where I am is a dark and dangerous place somewhere in the land of fear that is full of undetonated explosives. Little Cynthia takes me to that place that I sometimes still don't feel deserving to go to alone, she takes me home to the land of love and care of the breathtakingly beautiful, Mother Nature and the wise and grand Father Time.  This is a place of glorious peace, quiet and beauty where I am always accepted, forgiven, understood, loved and safe.  As I allow myself to float into a trance like peaceful state, feeling the soft and comforting beauty of the vanilla cream, whipped clouds that my hearts parents have prepared especially for us, we step out onto them and are always magically held and supported.  Giggling with delight we plop back into them like falling backwards onto an endless feather filled mattress remembering making that first leap of love and letting go of fear is essential, safe and even fun.   

Eventually we rest our cheek on the cool seemingly satin lined white pillowed cloud, and close our eyes and rest.  I am reminded of that age old wisdom and that "If I don't rest, I will get restless".  So I stop my busy mind, leave the land of fear, and rest in love and in the knowing that all is well.  In that beautiful moment, I remember how far we have come together, me the battle weary, once heart fatigued adult and Little Miss Cymfia the darling fairy angel child within me, and the stoic and wise Mother Nature and Father Time - a mighty connection ... Sometimes tears involuntarily fill my eyes as I am filled with gratitude and grandeur of the spirit of love and life.  I know that Mother Nature and Father Time will always hold me, and support me and provide a safe and soft place for me to fall and rest and know peace no matter what the outcome of the day ahead.

I remember being given a bottle of water by a hostess after one of my daydreaming journeys on a long international flight.  I was still feeling quite "stoned" as I came out of my meditative trance.   You know that gentle natural high that fills your being after love has washed through you, weather you have been meditating, making love, watching a sunset or nursing a sleeping child?  That golden feeling that all is well and you are exactly who and where you are meant to be, and so utterly glad and privileged to be living your life.  I noticed the angelic beauty of this young hostess as her gentle voice asked me if I would like some water.  I was at peace, I felt the silent connection of sisterhood between us and acknowledged her gentle and respectful approach with a warm eye smile and she returned it.  As I twisted the lid on the bottle, I noticed the label and it seemed like it was a divine message, and felt like a special delivery just for me direct in that moment from Mother Nature herself making sure I filled up and hydrated my thirsty heart from the inside with my heart mother's milk.  The label read "Cloud Juice".  I had never seen it before and have never seen it since, but I just loved the thought of plump fluffy clouds being milked like a cow's full udder to provide us with one of nature's true gifts, fresh drinking water, from the loving and ever abundant bosom of Mother Nature.  I smiled to myself and drank it savoring every mouthful.

"I keep hearing tree talk, water words, and I keep knowing what they mean" These beautiful words were penned by Lucille Clifton and resonated deeply with me when I read them for the first time.  So much so that I quote them often.   When writing the chapter on Common Senses in my second book Emotional Fitness I framed that chapter around her inspiring words.

I am not a woman who had used a lot of common sense throughout my life, especially in the first three decades, and therefore needed to learn how to use them constructively to chart my late forties and fast approaching 50's, with more wisdom and self care.  So I explored what common sense was to others, and meant to me, with my writing of this chapter. 

For me, writing is like putting my hearts thoughts down on paper so I can see who I am.  A little like putting a twenty cent coin underneath a piece of paper then rubbing a led pencil over the paper to reveal the pattern of the coin hidden underneath.  I knew I had a heart, a soul, a place where love resided, I just didn't know how to get there or use it constructively when the black smoke of fear descended.   So writing has given me that which had remained inaccessible for me until my mid thirties, a map of my heart, an outline, a safe and loving home within. 

I have learned over the past fourteen years of self study, therapy, parenting and marriages, but mostly importantly daily meditation and connection to Mother Nature and Father Time - that one of the most portable and reliable paths back to my truth, my heartland is through my senses.  Common senses that we are all blessed with but not all of us know how to use.  Common senses I have come to believe are really a bit like a love survival kit or our hearts natural GPS system.  See blog on Heart Fatigue for more on this topic (click Hope and Heart Trauma icon on Home page)

Sight, smell, taste, touch and sound are not just the keys for physical survival, but guidance to enable us to emotionally navigate the hardest challenge of all .... to have love in our lives survive the seemingly endless fear attacks that can overwhelm us if we don't know how to use our common senses - the portable gift we are all blessed with.  For most of us on this planet everything we need to massage our common senses and build our Emotional Fitness, Mother Nature has and Father Time have provided in abundance.  As the wise poet Titus, Maccius Plautus so beautifully put it "The day, water, sun, moon and night - I do not have to purchase these things with money".

Cloud Juice, or water as some like to call it, brings me peace daily and helps me find balance and come back to what is good common sense.   Water is immensely effective in watering down fear.   It detoxes the heart and flushes out anxiety that other beverages like caffeine, alcohol and sugary drinks simply magnify.

I end each day of delicious solitude when writing from my cosy nook at home by filling my watering can and visiting my "babies" as I like to call them.  My youngest son Little Chicken (aged 21 standing six foot five inches) said to me once in a playful tone when I asked for him to come and water my babies whilst my husband and I were both going away on a forthcoming business trip.

"Mum you can't call them your babies, we're your babies".  He joked with genuine tenderness for such a huge young man that he is.

 "Sweetheart, now that you have left home I need to nurture something that is growing every day around me in my immediate orbit,  so my darling white frilly petunias, lush green mint, basil, rosemary and my perfectly coiffured lollypop figs, allow me to fuss over them and release my smother mother energy".  I explained.

My darling sons, who have a definite love for beauty and a playful appreciation of their mother's quirkiness, always come willingly and water my babies for me if both Mr. Delicious (my husband) and I are away travelling.

The empty nest syndrome is a very real heart place for mothers to work through in mid life.   Some of us become gardeners, or get pets, so we can continue to nurture.

So water, Mother Nature's milk, is the only fluid that truly will nourish my maternal heart and Mother Nature's garden.  I smile daily with joy at "my flower babies" and thank them with quiet heart talk each time they wave their colourful petals at me.  Watering my babies at the end of a solid day of writing enables all my senses to become massaged again.  It also gives me time to emotionally change channels from a writer's heart of solitude, to the sacred place in my heart where I become a connected woman and wife as I prepare for Mr. Delicious, to come home. 

As I shower in the morning, I often close my eyes and just feel the cleansing beauty of the water running down my tired back.   Water is used all throughout my day; every day is some shape or form.  Each time I wash my hands, or talk with a troubled client, I ensure I have fresh water close at hand to keep myself emotionally and physically hydrated.

I invite you to reflect as I sign off for now, on how Mother Nature's Milk, Cloud Juice, or water if you prefer to call it by its common name, replenishes, cleanses and nourishes your heart on a daily basis.  And if you are like me, it probably is a gift that you rely on more than you realize and rarely give thanks for.  Or ..... maybe it is an area of your life you neglect.  If you don't gift yourself with a ready supply of fresh clean water daily to quench your thirst, your heart will either race and become erratic, angry and anxious or become sluggish, bored and disconnected, this I believe whole heartedly.

After seeing that wonderful movie Slumdog Millionaire, I left filled with awe at the survival of love in such a harsh place. Small things like fresh drinking water and a place to wash and clean sheets to sleep on, that we take for granted daily is in such short supply for many.

As I type the concluding paragraphs of this blog, I recall the delight I got yesterday afternoon as I watched the clouds release a shower of fresh water to nourish my garden's babies for me.  The smell and sound of the rain came pelting down as I stood on the verandah of my grand old Queenslander home.  As I stood there in silent awe, I was gently kissed on the shoulder, touched silently but for me profoundly.   Hmmmmmm I closed my eyes and smiled.  How beautiful, a kiss on the shoulder from Mother Nature herself leaving her lipstick imprint in cloud juice! 

I love a great cup of decent coffee or fresh pot of Scottish Breakfast tea, but when I need to be at my clearest and my calmest, water is the only drink that hydrates my heart and ensures I speak and listen at my own pace.  I am at my best when drinking water.  As a recovering alcoholic drinking alcohol is not an option for me these days, and I thought all those years ago when I stopped drinking booze that I would stop having fun. 

The opposite proved to be true...

Now I can remember when I have fun, I wake up feeling joy instead of dread and embarrassment at what I did and did not do the night before.  So this blog is really a tribute of gratitude to the gifts water has blessed my thirsty heart with.  My cup runneth over, and all I can say to the Earth Mother of us all and her wonderful nectar, Cloud Juice is ....thank you....... thank you.... thank you....

I will be away travelling tomorrow so I hope to catch you here again later in the week, but for today, thank you for sharing this space with me.  My Word Vitamins for today that you are most welcome to share with me

"Water is the only drink for a wise man."

Henry David Thoreau

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