Conflicted about conflict?

“Conflict is a part of every growing and healthy relationship.” My therapist (The Gentle Giant) said to me slowly and clearly in my session last night.

“It is normal and natural to disagree, and to sometimes be unbalanced when you do.” I know he was stating the obvious but somewhere along the way in my 47 years of life I have always thought that if I felt conflicted about an issue with another person, that somehow I must be in the wrong.

“Very few people consistently manage to always be calm and mature when they are growing and challenging old beliefs and fears.” He continued.

What a relief it was for me to be reminded of that again. I am one of those people that can honestly say I am not a slow learner, just a quick forgetter.

I am sometimes asked why I still go to a therapist fourteen years into my recovery. My answer is always the same. As my father has passed away and so has my grandfather, I have no male Elders in my life. I need support, as I believe we all do, from tribal elders. Elders that know the intricacies of my heart and can help me navigate with integrity and self love and self respect through life. I have Beautiful Barb, who has been my female elder since I was ten days clean and sober, and I do have wonderful King Trev who is Beautiful Barbara’s husband.  I watch him and learn from him every time I am in his company. However as my past has included years of repetitive domestic violence, sexual abuse and 19 years of living in active addiction, I do also need an emotional surgeon experienced in this field.

My career as a writer and speaker also includes running Emotional Fitness workshops for trained clinicians, private clients and the corporate world. It helps me, to debrief regularly, with a therapist so I can download any issues or areas of concerns that arise for me as I do my own heart work, at work.

“Sometimes people yell, and become upset an argumentative when they are fearful and in disagreement. It is important to always do your utmost to remain respectful and non abusive, but sometimes we don’t always get it right, and that just makes us human.” (The Gentle Giant GG )said with a respectful smile.

“You have chosen to live a life where you grow, and expand emotionally and challenge yourself and behaviours that no longer serve you. You will be in conflict with yourself and with others from time to time.” He continued reassuringly.

A picture came to mind when he spoke of a little four year old girl trying to put on the favourite pink cardigan she loved when she was two years old, with the lavender pomp poms and embroidered flowers. But as she tries to squeeze her arm into a sleeve she is frustrated that it no longer fits. She sits down and cries, that’s me at times, when old behaviours no longer fit. Her loving elder explains that for four year old girls there are lots more lovely cardigans to try on, and the wise elder takes her shopping to find a new treasure.

My tribal elders, The Gentle Giant and Beautiful Barb help me when I sit down and cry over any conflict I am having with myself, others or the world in general. Because I forget quickly if I am facing a new challenge, that all the life lessons and skills I have learned over the past 14 years of healing will work in this situation as well. All is not lost. I have choices, and not knowing or remembering what to do and how to do it is not failure. It is just as sign that my life is expanding and offering me new lessons and skills to learn. It will take me some time to master this new situation and opportunity. Eventually I will gain new levels of maturity should I wish to get up off the ground and stop beating myself up for not knowing everything, all the time.

Remaining teachable for me is essential, so that my elders can take me emotionally shopping to choose for myself what will fit and what will suit me for this occasion. They don’t buy something for me; they just show me the choices and support me no matter what I choose. They also allow me the dignity of my own mistakes.

The hardest person I find to resolve conflict with is myself. Yesterday was a good example. I was up at 5.00am had done my morning mediation, and journaling and chosen some business clothes to wear as I have been living in sarongs in my home office.  I had to prepare for my morning meeting (it has been “as hot as a bastard” in Bris Vegas, let me tell you). I was excited to spend time with the Indigenous Queen Elder who would also be present at this meeting. I was getting ready to walk out the door when she rang to tell me she was ill and would have to reschedule our meeting until next week. Bummer, I was so excited to see her.

To allow myself to fluff around at home in this newly acquired spare time, and get my office in order instead of writing or doing housework was causing me conflict. Yes, yes I know a luxury problem to have some free time on my hands. I took off the jewellery, lipstick and killer heels replacing them with a comfortable sarong, and my favourite fuchsia pink toweling thongs.   I spent the whole day sorting out my home office and filing.

My level of conflict yesterday was minor. But when it is major and I am upset with myself because I don’t like the way I handled myself in conflict with Mr. Delicious (my hubby) or one of my sons that is when I need the Gentle Giant or Beautiful Barb. If I am unable to contact or spend time with either of them then I call in the big guns. Mother Nature and Father Time. Collectively when I am present to them both they are my God. G stands for Great, O for Out and D for Doors. I go and spend time outside, breathe, sit still and quietly, and close my eyes. Great therapy for a troubled heart.

I recall Barb telling me many times that when we are learning something new very few of us start out doing it with much grace. Whether it is riding a bike, learning how to kiss, drive a car or hold a baby. Most of us are awkward when it is a new and unfamiliar challenge we are presented with.

When I am facing new life issues often I have conflict with myself about not knowing how to be mature and skilled at it. The challenge then for me is to not ridicule myself and run. I need to use the wise and loving voices of my heart parents and allow myself to take my time and make mistakes, and even get it wrong. Then I will learn.

I am off to see my IT Gurus in the next hour as we work on the graphics for the blog site. I can’t wait to be connected to you. As I write this blog now, it is like putting away gifts for Christmas. I can’t give my words to you yet, because it is not time, we are not ready. But the day the Blog site goes live is getting closer and I am most excited to meet you and hear back from you wherever you are in the world.

So remembering that I am a quick forgetter is a really important thing for me to be compassionate about toward myself. It is why each morning, I meditate and journal. Meditation is my time to be quiet and still and let love in. I also say words of love and affirmation out aloud, I suppose you could also call it prayer. I practice saying loving and supportive words to myself and my hearts parents. My journaling is about writing words of love and gratitude to my hearts parents Mother Nature and Father Time. When I write from my heart I feel like I am holding heart hands with whomever I write to. It makes me feel connected and safe.

So my heart writes to you also this morning with thanks for connecting with me and I hope to see you here tomorrow if you get time. The Word Vitamins I have shared with you below are for me today and also for any budding writer who is following this blog.

“When you write from the heart, you not only light the dark path of your readers, you light your own way as well.” Marjorie Holmes