Same Dance Different Partner

When Robert Redford said to Michelle Pfeiffer "I've been here before" Michelle's character answered "Me too".

In the movie Up Close and Personal they were playing mid life characters both with a few marriages under their belt.  Their characters were both high achievers in their careers and the breaking point they both always seemed to reach in past marriages presented itself once more, this is when Robert Redford uttered these words. 

Were the characters going to resolve and change old emotional patterns and learn a new dance together or repeat it and both walk away once more?

They say mid life is when Mother Nature and Father Time catch up with each other and discover that their relationship is either in crises (mid life crises) or worth celebrating.  I have come to observe that the majority of people at mid life find the necessity to have a good sit down with their head, heart and body and honestly evaluate who they have become.  This is a time when children leave home, marriages sometimes end, affairs happen, menopause and other new challenges present themselves.  I believe mid life is our rite of passage into eldership.   We either become grand people and parents to the generations before us and ambassadors for love and life in later years, or we repel younger generations with our fear and negativity.  It's a conscious choice once needs to make.  Do we thrive or shrivel with age?  In my mind this rite of passage is no different to puberty being our rite of passage into young adult hood.  We either honour it and embrace it or fight it. 

Mother Nature's gifts of youth, strength and beauty by mid life have been finally caught by and become inextricably linked with Father Time.  At mid life, one either fights with Father Time and tries to turn back the clock or freeze the ageing process in fear, or one embraces him and the chance to go deeper into oneself.  If we are willing to improve self care on a holistic level (head, heart and body) and relax with whom we have become, life becomes richer I have found.  It is healthiest that one also develops a gentle sense of humour about the ageing process.  Our nature is either dominated by love or fear once we hit mid life. 

But many of us notice emotional patterns beginning to emerge in our younger years (end of our 20's beginning of our 30's)before we hit our 40's and observe that the common denominator in all the our past relationship issues has been us.  I had this very realization back in 1994 as I sat in a suburban picture theatre alone mid afternoon.  When Robert Redford said this line, "I've been here before" it sent a chill through my being.  You see, I knew my marriage was coming to an end and this feeling of getting ready to leave felt familiar.   I felt deep shame as I felt a sense of escape and relief rising.  At that time I had never been married before, so this was my first marriage, however I had been here before emotionally.  I was ready to move on and knew it wouldn't be long before I said goodbye to the father of my children after having spent 14 years with him. 

I was hungry for something delicious, that I had never tasted before, but somehow knew it existed.

I had only ever been able to participate in limited relationship dances with males in my life up to this point.  This I believe was because my relationship with myself was limited.  I did not know myself well mainly because I did not invest much quality time in listening, learning and caring for myself.  I was far more comfortable focusing on external stimulus.  At age 33 I felt a death looming in my life.  When I got really drunk and high I was sure I was about to die soon, I could feel it, and with this feeling came a sense of relief.  However what I was sensing was the death of a lifestyle emerging, and the rebirth of a new relationship with myself.

On October 12, 1995 when I put down 19 years of drug and alcohol addiction, for the first time I was faced with who I had become.  I recall looking in the mirror at my own reflection not having a clue who that person was.  When I saw photos of myself as a young girl, I felt disconnected like that young child was never me.  My hair was long back then and I remember standing like a zombie cutting off my hair with the scissors to above my shoulders.  It was freeing somehow.  I wanted to cut away the past and therein was my biggest problem.  I did not want to embrace my past but erase it.

When we are at war with ourselves and our pasts there is little joy found in being in our own company.  Thus our reliance on external stimulus.  I used drugs and alcohol, food and money for years.  Others use work, exercise, sex, gambling, travel and many other weapons of mass distraction to find external sources of joy.

I did not know how to waltz with myself, only war.  So it is no surprise that in long term relationships with others, the war dance was the dance I favoured.  Like the Hakka that the All Blacks do before they play rugby union, the only dances I really liked were solo dances, and I loved this one as it echoed something deep inside of me.  I loved this intimidating non welcoming dance of warning.  I liked it best when men backed away and kept a safe distance from me emotionally.  A warrior's dance marking my turf suited me best.  Only males that were okay with that dance were attracted to me. 

Ironically every man I dated or married up until age 42 chose not to waltz with me when we were out at a formal function.  If we were drunk and or out of it they might jump around the room with me, but I preferred no body connection, I chose partners that were happy to live a parallel existence with me emotionally as I was not interested in emotional connection and partnership dances like the waltz.  If I did dance closely with anyone sober, I felt awkward and on guard.

To enjoy waltzing with another one must be in relaxed and in tune with themselves firstly and then with their partner.  Dancing is about expression and connection with the ebb and flow of energy.  Until I became willing to learn about myself and my past I could not embrace myself in the present day.  I could not enjoy dancing by myself or with anyone else.  It took me years of therapy to process my violent and abusive childhood, but once I had made peace with why I had lied, cheated stolen and lived a promiscuous lifestyle as a younger woman, only then could I detox my shame and move comfortably within my own skin.

One of my favourite sayings is Resolve it or Repeat it.  Until we take the time to remove the emotional stones from our shoes that we have gathered as we have journeyed through life, we will know no true comfort in the present day.  Most people once they hit mid life, I have observed, spend the second half of their lives getting over the first.

I had to let go of hunting for the quick fix, and for instant gratification to distract me from uncomfortable truths I needed to face. 

Healing our wounded hearts, maturing and building character, takes nurturing and time.  Mother Nature and Father Time are the best healers and teacher to work with, not against.

There are universal laws in life that we cannot escape.  If we have spent our teens and early adult life running from emotional responsibility and emotional homework, by mid life it catches up with us.  And if we don't resolve it and learn, it will just keep repeating itself and turning up the volume of the lesson with every new dance partner.  Of course some people try to avoid their emotional homework by giving up on participating in loving partnerships and choose pets or things in place of people.  I have observed that Mother Nature and Father Time bring keep the lessons coming no matter where we try to hide.  Our children, siblings, material world and past will keep bringing emotional pain to the surface until we surrender our fearful warriors stomp and learn how to waltz with ourselves with love.

I met Mr. Delicious six years ago at age 42.  By this time in my life I had been married twice to two good men but I had chosen to live emotionally parallel to them ensuring they kept their distance.  I often say that I could have been married to a combination of George Clooney and Dr Phil and still the marriage would not have worked.  It had nothing to do with the shortcomings of my past lovers and husbands and everything to do with me being at war with myself.

I do the war dance less these days, and for those of you who read the previous blog "The Bitch and The Bastard" you will recall I don't pretend that I am anywhere near sainthood at the ripe old age of almost 48.  My Warrior Bitch is still with me, but in retirement these days, she stomps her feet less, and dances more.  When I met Mr. Delicious I knew he was special by the way he connected with me with his heart when he kissed me and danced with me.  I call him Mr. Declivous because the first time I kissed him I had a spiritual experience ... as corny as that sounds.  My whole being felt like my internal Christmas Tree lights had been turned on.  It took 42 years for this to happen for me, better late than never!  I lit up from the inside.  His mouth had the inviting sensation of a delicious velvety chocolate mousse.  I remember looking into his eyes after our first kiss and saying almost involuntarily

"My God, you are delicious".

Thus his nick name became Mr. Delicious!  When I dance with him whether it is in my pajamas around our lounge room to an old Rod Stewart song or at a formal occasion I feel enchanted and connected to myself and to him.  Father Time came through big time to turn on Mother Nature's internal fairy lights around my heart!

Please forgive me if I sound nauseatingly in love, because I am with my life.  I never thought someone with my past would ever be allowed to live such a beautifully abundant life.  The abundance I speak of is the stuff money can't buy.  Love, time and health.  My core reason for writing these days is to massage hope for those who have weary and wounded hearts.   I believe with my whole being that it is our birthright to live happily ever after with ourselves.  If something were to happen and Mr. Delicious was taken from my life, I can now say my heart has experienced what it is to waltz with my own and another's heart.   I can partner myself and another, this balance took years to learn and if I can do it, anyone can.   I am no longer a solo Hakka Warrior; I am open to learning new dances, and I can waltz with heart and joy.

If you can relate to the same dance different partner feeling and have become bored and uninterested with life, this is often an indicator that your time to review your relationship with yourself self has arisen.  Like travelling to a new country, exploring the terrain of your heart will open up new worlds and teach you some new and exciting moves.  Often infidelity or multiple partners in the bedroom can indicate that you have hit the wall of boredom as your head and body will tire as you age of sex and conversation without heartfelt connection and intimacy.  If we won't invest in intimate time getting to know ourselves, we will not be able to share who we are at a heart level with lovers.  I come across many clients that are successful high achievers by mid life that know a lot about sex but very little about intimacy.

I have observed there is a formula to building our levels of Emotional Fitness if you would like to explore this topic more, please click on the Emotional Fitness icon in the header of this home page and previous blogs under this section outline how to go about improving your level of Emotional Fitness so that you can experience and sustain heartfelt intimacy in your life.

You have probably heard the word broken down before, but if not, it is ... in - to - me - see.  If we are not willing to look into whom we have become and why we will not know peace. It becomes essential to resolve and weed out the toxicity of fears about our past only, then do we have room to plant seeds to grow sacred heartfelt intimacy into our present and future life.

I am not suggesting that we spend our day's navel gazing getting stuck in the past, but I do believe the past needs to be honoured, processed and understood.  Making peace with our past is as important to our emotional safety and wellbeing as a rear vision mirror is in a car.  We do need to look back at what is behind us in order to merge and reverse when necessary, safely with others in life, from time to time.  Otherwise we emotionally become blind and keep crashing, same dance, different partner.

If you were to put a song on your music system today and dance alone with your own heart, what song would you put on?  And are you willing to close your eyes and have a dance with yourself, a gentle waltz even.  And if your answer is no, I would ask that you consider is it fair to expect another to lovingly do with you what you would not willing do for yourself?  It has been said that dancing is like dreaming with your feet!

Thanks for joining me here again today; the Word Vitamins I would like to share with you for today are from Martha Graham.

"Movement never lies.  It is a barometer telling the state of the soul's weather to all who can read it."