"I could stop drinking if I wanted to, I just don't want to." I would say defensively when someone bravely suggested I needed to slow down with my boozy lifestyle.

I remember watching Melrose Place in the early 1990's.  I can't remember who the actress was, as I was too pissed at the time, sculling cheap wine as I relaxed in front of the T.V.  But what I do remember, is that one of the female characters was going to recovery groups because she was an alcoholic.

"Poor woman" I arrogantly thought to myself.   "What a shitful life she will have to live; now she can never drink again".

I didn't trust people that didn't drink.  I thought they were beige and boring. I was a party girl, the dial-for-fun-girl, I used to think of myself in my ego based state of denial.  I now know I was more like the dial-for-a-dickhead-girl back then.  I remember asking a non drinker at a party in my early thirties after they had told me they didn't drink.

"How do you have fun?" I asked with a strong tone of disbelief.  The concept of having a good time sober was incomprehensible for me as an Active Alcoholic and drug addict.  I honestly didn't get it. I found life, and especially people, a chore without substances and booze. 

The Non Drinkers by choice, Recovering Addicts and Social Drinkers reading this will wonder what the hell I mean.  These people at times prefer to not drink so they can have more fun.  More fun?  The Active Alcoholics reading this may wonder, like I used to, how that is even possible? What is better in life without booze?  The Non Drinkers, Recovering Addicts and Social Drinkers will answer this question with a really long list.  The sequence on their lists will vary, but usually it  will include the stuff in life that is immensely better without booze (I have only just discovered these joys in the past 14 years of my recovery) things like:

• Intimate love making
• Prayer and meditation
• A healthy belly laugh that can bring on tears of joy
• Driving self or loved ones home safely
• Remembering a great night with friends at a restaurant, concert or party
• Cooking and entertaining at home
• Enjoying family events and holidays
• Being and Doing your best as you work on your career
• Great straight and sober sex
• Being a reliable person lwho oved ones can call on in the middle of the night to drive to their aid safely in an emergency
• Sleeping
• Coping with stress

An Active Alcoholic like I used to be, knows not of these heartfelt rewarding sober, human experiences.

The Social Drinker drinks because they want to, not because they have to.  They don't give into social pressure to drink.  When they choose not to imbibe they don't feel uncomfortable socially or wrong and it is not a chore or hard to not drink.  They choose unapologetically when they will drink, and how much they will drink.  Alcohol has no power over them.  They might choose on the rare occasion to let their head go and get really pissed.  A Hens Party, Bucks Night, Celebration, New Years Eve, or a big win with their favourite sports team may be a special occasion.  But it is not a regular occurrence.  Being drunk and intoxicated is not their lifestyle choice.

Social Drinkers were who I secretly envied.  I was an Active Alcoholic and drug addict for about 19 years.  I started drinking in my early teens, and loved the effect but hated the taste from day one.  I have been clean and sober since October 12, 1995, one day at a time.  That means I have not picked up a drink, cigarette (3 packet a day reformed smoker) or a drug from that day to this. Yes absolute abstinence! No kidding, not one drink, one ciggie or drug.  For me ..  That is nothing short of an amazing miracle.

I sometimes pretended when I was out with Social Drinkers as a younger woman, that I was like them.  It is called "controlled drinking" for the Active Alcoholic in recovery circles.  I would watch how much the Social Drinker drank, and keep in time with them for as long as I could.  But there always came a point where it just got too bloody hard.  I would excuse myself and go home and drink more, or go out on the town with the Heavy Drinkers, and my fellow Active Alcoholics and leave the boring Social Drinkers to it.  I put them down behind their back.   My favourite description and my excuse for leaving them behind of the Social Drinker was because they were all "as boring as batshit" .... Yes, charming I know.  The tall poppy syndrome also known as character assassination was one of my preferred behaviours at that time in my life to defend my destructive lifestyle choices.

Then there are those people that are Heavy Drinkers, or Binge Drinkers.  A step up the sliding scale toward the more dangerous end of alcohol consumption.  These people drink large and dangerous volumes of alcohol.  But it is still a choice for them.  Often they are what I call emotionally dependent drinkers.  They hit it hard when they decide to drink, but they don't seem to decline emotionally with time, nor accelerate their drinking habits as the years pass like the Active Alcoholic.  They also don't have shame about the way they drink, and they don't hide it or live in fear of themselves in the same way the Active Alcoholic does.  I used to drink with these types of drinkers but found their consistency lacking.  Today I still bump into them from time to time.  We recall the party days 14 years ago when I used to drink with them and find they are still pretty much doing the same thing with the same people.  They might not decline emotionally like an Active Alcoholic, but they don't really grow and blossom with age either.  Heavy Drinkers seem to emotionally live on pause, I have observed. They are not high achievers like the Active Alcoholic (high achievers at self sabotage) and Recovering Alcoholic (high achievers at self care) or the Social Drinker (high achievers with a balanced lifestyle) can be.

Then there is the Active Alcoholic which was me 14 years ago.  I was a danger to myself and others when I drank for I could not guarantee my behavior.  Alcohol gave me a chemically induced state of peace.  I loved it more than people when I was under the influence, and I don't feel proud of myself admitting that, but it is the truth.  An addict loves their substance of choice whilst abusing it,  more than their loved ones, for their hearts are disconnected.  When they are sober and straight their remorse is immense as the heart tries to reconnect through the thick fog of regret.  The shame and self hatred for letting loved ones down is crippling once we realize what we have done whist heartlessly using. 

The Active Alcoholic does not drink because they want to; they drink because they have to, almost like an allergic biochemical reaction.  A Non-Alcoholic or Social Drinker may well say "Bullshit, they just have no will power." Trouble is that is so far from the truth.  Active Alcoholics have huge focus and will power, but our livers don't operate in the same way as in a Non-Alcoholic and sets up an insatiable craving. 

Addictions are like emotional cancers.  They eat away at your self respect from the inside.  In the beginning of their drinking career from the outside an Active Alcoholic looks no different from anyone else.  And if you are Australian being a pissed idiot is often very acceptable behavior and almost a rite of passage in some homes for the teenager.

But as the Active Alcoholic ages their shame, secrecy and self hatred snowballs.  We can stop drinking.  God knows I did when I was pregnant with both my sons.  I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped.  Once I picked up again I steadily declined.  I could even control it for a while in the early days, but the ethanol in my system eventually got too much momentum again in time and controlled me. 

I have found learning about this topic interesting over the years of my recovery.  I have been privileged to work alongside with, and learn from, many leading world experts and medical professionals about addiction over the past 14 years.   Sometimes they had conflicting views.  However, what I found from my own experience and from working with in excess of 7000 recovering addicts, is that an Active Alcoholic can easily kid themselves into belieiving that they are a Social Drinker.   At times I was absolutely convinced I didnt have a problem with booze because I could go three days without a drink.  By the fourth day I would find an excuse to have one or two, but as long as I had some I was okay.  I didn't have to get drunk every time I drank but I had to top up the ethanol levels in my system. 

Medical professionals had told me that it takes the Active Alcoholic up to 72 hours to rid their body of ethanol whereas the Social Drinker can flush it out of their system in 24 hours and this can sometimes mean a dreadful hangover.  I as an Active Alcoholic, rarely had a hangover, for I rarely hit day four without drinking.  If I kept topped up every 72 hours I was fine.  I didn't have to get drunk, just top up my ethanol levels.  But then sometimes, out of the blue, after just a couple of drinks, I would be slurring my words and staggering around the place.  People would accuse me of being pissed and I would argue vehemently that I had only had a couple of drinks because I had, but the ethanol levels in my system were peaking.

"Cynthia you have been sober and straight a long time now, so why do you still say that you will publish your next book on October 12, 2010 if you make it.  Do you still live in fear of picking up a drink?" A therapist asked me who was attending the workshop I ran in Cairns earlier this week.

"Well no I don't live in fear, but I do have a healthy respect for my addiction.  I liken my addiction to the force of the ocean.  I must respect it as it has the ability to overpower me if I minimalise it or get lost with my ego.  I have seen too many people with 20 and 25 years of living clean and sober, bust and go back to living on a park bench, or commit slow suicide with booze because they got complacent and arrogant." I explained.

"I don't live in fear of picking up a drink; however I do live with a daily awareness of my biochemical pre disposition of an Alcoholic, no different to how a diabetic each day is aware of their condition.  They treat themselves with respect and ensure they self care.  I choose not to call myself a Recovered Alcoholic, some people do, and that is their choice, but for me I am in remission, one day at a time, and I am eternally grateful for that."

She nodded and beckoned for me to continue.

"Like the people that go on weight loss television shows and lose massive amounts of weight.  They feel like different people, and they are.  Self respect now is the dominant focus of their relationship with themselves.  They don't have to live each day in fear that they will wake up tomorrow and be 30 kilos heavier.  But they do understand that if they don't self care and continue to live the lifestyle that supports their recovery, they will end up back where they started.  That is how it is for me.  I really believe if I continue one day at a time to live a lifestyle that includes the three support systems that have built my levels of Emotional Fitness (as mentioned in previous blogs), I will be safe and able to live a wonderful life." I smiled and took a deep breath.

"There but for the grace of God go I."  Said one of the older male therapists in the room.  He was a Church Minister prior to becoming a therapist. "It's called humility remembering that the spirit is strong, but the body is weak." He gave me a warm smile.

So if you or someone you care about is struggling with alcohol and wondering if they need help, it is available internationally through many centres.  Just Google the topic of alcohol or problem drinkers and you will be surprised at the range of choices available to help.  There are many ways to the waterfall of recovery; I don't believe there is a one size fits all approach, so doing some research is worthwhile.   If substances or booze are destructively affecting your life, you need to make some changes, whether you are a Heavy Drinker a Binge Drinker or an Active Alcoholic.

I was given a questionnaire early in my recovery that helped me see myself and my behaviours more clearly.  It is a simple yes, no list of questions.  I was advised that if I answered yes to four or more of these questions, I was a problem drinker and needed help.  This very questionnaire follows and might be useful for you or someone you care about in the future.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? YES / NO

2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do? YES / NO

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk? YES / NO

4. Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year? Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking? YES / NO

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? YES / NO

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? YES / NO

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home? YES / NO

8. Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough? YES / NO

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to? YES / NO

10. Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking? YES / NO

11. Do you have "blackouts"? YES / NO

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink? YES / NO

If YES is the response four or more times from the above list, then the individual that answered YES is probably in trouble with alcohol.

If you have any concerns about this subject and would like to get in touch with me, please do.

Thanks once again for sharing this space with me today, have a wonderful weekend wherever you are in the world and I hope our paths cross again soon.

Some Word Vitamins for us both to ponder today are below.  These are especially helpful for me as I go my first day today, willingly without chocolate and sugar as my "fat pants" are now seriously getting too tight, and Christmas and the festive season is now an outdated justification! Lots of love!