Attracted To Rejection

Somehow the adrenalin that accompanied being rejected had become more of a comfort, than any compliment ever was for me.  Whenever I was upset and needed to calm myself,  I used to think hard of who I could start an argument with by phone, by visiting or pretending to run into.  People that I already had an ongoing hurt with were my most sought after, so that I could pick up where we left off.  Their rejection seemed to be helpful.  It became like a distraction, a new focus point so that I didn't have to believe in myself or try to be better or do better.  Their criticism and refusal to let me in, was my excuse to give up on having hope about love. 

I often found in my early recovery that when things were going really well for me, I looked for unavailable options from emotionally unavailable people.  My dysfunction was twofold.  I would go to someone who I knew could not and would not emotionally be there for me, and ask them to support me.  This is what I call emotional self harm.

One of my naïve beliefs was that if I got clean and sober, I would all of a sudden become normal and more lovable.  If I could just be good enough, appropriate enough, non threatening and compliant enough, then they might let me belong to their club ...The Normal People's Club.

The other dimension of my attraction to rejection was about proving myself right.  You see if I could prove I was unlovable no matter what I did, looked or how I behaved then I could give up on the happily ever after bullshit that was sold to me as a little girl in fairytales.  And I could also give up on these losers in recovery like Beautiful Barb (my heart mother) who was also trying to sell me the belief that a wonderful life was awaiting me.  Whenever she said that she believed in me, that I was beautiful, lovable, intelligent and worthy of speaking up for myself deep down inside I felt enraged.  What would they know?  If they knew me, like I knew me, they wouldn't believe in me.  I am a flawed, bad, a psychopathic liar who is a burden and just too much for anyone to have a relationship with.  People give up on me, and I want to give up on me, trying is really demanding and I dont feel emotionally equipped to keep trying.

I had lied a great deal in my childhood about my sexual abuse and the domestic violence I lived with.  I lied mostly to myself.  Telling myself I deserved it, they did it because they loved me; it was okay, it happened to all kids.  I honestly believed at my core, that I was not as good as other kids so should just shut up and put up and take a back seat and be lucky I am even tolerated by anyone at anytime.  I was so desperately grateful if someone liked me but then I ensured over time that I did something really bad to them so that they would reject me and I would prove my theory right and feel comfortable again in my role of the flawed unlovable one.  Yes I relished in victim hood,  but I had no other skills at that time in my life to climb out of this limited role.

I had confessed all of my lies to my therapist over the years often trying to convince him that he was dealing with a psychopathic liar.  Because lying had become a survival mechanism for me over the years.  When I started to tell the truth, I started to feel really crazy and preferred for my truth to be the lie, and my lies to be the truth.  I remember him saying to me many times over the years when I would confess a lie, and disclose a truth.

"Cynthia, psychopathic liars don't question themselves, admit to fault nor try to take emotional responsiblity for who they have become. You are a copy book survivor, preferring to take all the blame and be the flawed one, so that you protect those around you from this harsh and confronting reality. You would prefer to betray yourself, than to bear the accusation of betrayal from those who abused you and who enabled the abuse".  He would say this in many different ways, over and over to me.

I became more comfortable not belonging.  Being the loner and outsider and as a natural introvert, it served me very well.  Whilst I could keep proving myself right, that I was unlovable,  I didn't have to emotionally connect with anyone, believe in love or try to be a better person.  If anyone tried to contradict my theory about me being too much trouble to have a relationship with, I would just be mean in some way to send them off packing. 

Trouble was, at ten days clean and sober after nineteen years of drug and alcohol abuse I met someone who challenged my beliefs about myself and the whole subject of love. 

Enter Beautiful Barb. 

I could not speak to her much when I first met her, I used to just cry and rock, and look to the ground in shame.  She is ten years older than I and I had an instant Mother Crush on her as soon as I saw her.  The little girl inside of me wanted to crawl onto her lap, have her stroke my hair and tell me that everything would be alright, and that she loved me.

Fourteen years down the track this Gentlewoman is still here.  I would cringe in emotional pain anytime she complimented me back in 1995.  Like lemon juice on paper cuts on your fingertips, her kindness was almost intolerable.  I wanted to get away from her so often in the early days because her love did feel like disinfectant on my hearts deep wounds.

When she would say something lovely to me, I would wonder to myself,

"Yeah, yeah, what do you want?"

First of all I was convinced she was just a loser with no friends.  Until I met her family and her friends and could see she was abundantly wealthy with love and respect in her life.

Then I wondered if she was a closet gay.  If she had a crush on me and was just waiting to make a pass.  But no, she is a happily married heterosexual woman who has a lovely intimacy with her husband King Trev after 30 years of marriage.

I couldn't figure out what she wanted with me.  Why wouldn't this woman reject me?  God knows I tried to get her to.  I would yell at her sometimes to leave my home when she was really nice, telling her to leave me alone.  I felt like I was going insane with her kindness.  Actually I was leaving insanity, and becoming sane.  Reclaiming my birthright to believe in kindness and love.

I remember saying to her after ordering her out of the psychiatric clinic I was put into after sixteen months of being clean and sober, because my bouts of chronic Post Traumatic Stress were getting so bad.  The longer I was clean and sober the more emotional sewerage from my past surfaced and I had to surrender and get clinical help to move through it.  She took me to a clinic after finding me having a physical fit in my bathtub.  I had been fetal in the bath for hours, naked with the water running on top of me shaking and immoblised in a state of Post Traumatic Stress.  She broke into my house, covered me with a towel and took me to hospital.

As I sat in my hospital gown after sixteen months of being clean and sober having my marriage come to an end, she had the audacity to tell me I was the most courageous woman she had ever met.

"Courageous, are you insane? Will you stop with this sickly bullshit?  I am in a looney bin, I am sixteen months clean and sober and my life has turned to shit.  I may lose custody of the only thing I did this for, my two boys now, I am on a single mothers pension and you want to tell me I am courageous and the best is yet to come?  I was so angry with her unwavering support, it was confusing me.  I couldn't work out why she would do this.  People that are related to me won't support me, what is in this for her, what does this woman want? I had no answers.

"So why don't you go home to your house, your husband and your normal life and just leave me alone, you are making things worse for me, look at my life now from following your advice?" I was verging on hysterical.

"Okay love I will go for now, but I am not leaving you, you deserve to be upset and angry, but I will be back tomorrow, just call me in between now and then if you need me." She touched me tenderly on the face with such compassion my heart hurt.

I phoned her half an hour after she left sobbing with my apology.

"Why are you so nice to me, I don't get it.  I am such a bitch to you.  I give you my worst bitch, I scare myself when I get that angry, why don't I scare you?" I asked with genuine amazement.

"Love well you remember when your boys were babies, around two years of age and they got upset with you because you put them to bed when they wanted to stay up or wouldn't let them get their way for some reason? Did they ever put their little hands on their hips and tell you they hated you and weren't going to be your friend anymore? I could see her gentle face smiling at me in my minds eyes as we spoke.

"Yes, they get very cranky with me sometimes still when I limit their computer time." I admitted.

"Well love, that is how I see you.  You can get as cranky with me as you like, you deserve to get angry, it would be unhealthy for you not to feel upset during such a hard time in your life.  But I am not going anywhere, I love you, you are like the daughter I never had, and I will always be here for you no matter how cranky you get.  And I hope you don't take offence, but love you are not that scary." The tone of her voice was so comforting.

I remember not long after leaving the hospital I was watching a National Geographic documentary and the penny dropped about Barbs maternal kindness.  There was a tribe of elephants and one of the mothers had died and left her baby calf.  All the other mothers gathered around to care for the calf so it survived.

I am now no longer attracted to rejection, I am attracted to kindness, respect and love but the emotional rewiring has taken some time to change.

The first step in making this change was with awareness. Like when I saw those mother elephants just looking after the sisterhood, looking after the young that needed help.  We can't change what we can't see, and we won't make changes unless they make sense to us, until we get it, and feel safe about the change.

I only really hunt for rejection these days if I am over hungry, too angry, if I am lonely or tired.  Or if I am scared.  When good stuff happens for me, my first instinct to comfort myself is to think "Well this probably won't work, it is too good to be true, I am not good enough, I am kidding myself".

I no longer have a desire to belong to The Normal People's Club.  Quite frankly I find those people who need to conform and negate their opinion and individuality to belong, far too emotionally beige for my taste.

My new programming to look for love, not rejection, kicks in quicker and quicker these days.  The reason I chose this subject for this morning's blog is because yesterday I finished the first draft of my manuscript and printed out the telephone book size wad of pages.

It is sitting on my coffee table now for me to read and edit.  I am procrastinating.  Because I am so pleased with it, it scares me.  I have read the first few pages and my heart pounded with excitement.  I was able to capture on paper what my heart needed to say.

As soon as I finish the edit I then need to let go of it and give it to my publisher and send it down to Sydney to have the forward written by a wonderful Australian icon.  The discipline for me is to stop the negative fear, and remember not to reject my own feelings of accomplishment and self respect is still a challenge.  I am proud of what I have just finished ......... and I paused for quite a few seconds before daring to even type the word proud. 

As I was proof reading this blog a publisher I have been speaking with phoned to make an appointment for me to see him, talk him through my vision for this book child, and leave it with him.  I committed to next Tuesday ...... game on!

My God.  My heart is pounding.  It is like taking your first born child out of the safety of the hospital ward into the big wide word.  It is for me emotionally challenging to have my new book child leave the safety of my home.

I still have work to do on this whole topic and so in writing about it this morning, I have taken it out of the dark place where I hide my fears, and exposed it to the light of day on the page in front of me.

Once I let go of my attraction to rejection I was able to hold onto my heartfelt hopes and dreams without feeling afraid.  Beautiful Barbara was most definitely right, the older I have become as my recovery journey progresses, the more wonderful and amazing life is.

My Word Vitamins for today as I need them for emotional nourishment in order to remember to love myself through my fears about feeling good about myself.  Here are some wise words from Doris Murdock.

"We can only learn to love by loving".