Intimacy

As an impatient emotional virgin back in 1995, it was explained to me that the reason I didnt have any deep intimate relationships in my life was because 'Intimacy takes time, so if I didn't make time, I wouldn't have intimacy'.  These words of wisdom were shared with me when I got clean and sober fourteen years ago.

Taking time, my God, instant gratification was my specialty.  The thought of taking time, being patient and considerate sounded like math's homework to me, to be honest.

I was curious about this word intimacy and what it involved. 

Back then at the ripe old age of 33, I was married and had been with my husband for almost 14 years, we had two kids. The word intimacy when I thought about it as a younger woman,  bought up pictures of romance, delicate lace, candles, deep kissing, pupil contact, smiles, slow and gentle seduction.  Once I got that far with my thoughts, my eyes would become watery and a lump would develop in my throat.  I would become anxious and think there was something wrong with me for getting upset about the mere thought of surrender and tenderness.

I tried to create this scenario often within my marriage and previous relationships but could not go through with it unless I added alcohol or some drugs to the mix.  I could not surrender, nor relax if I was absolutely straight.  I was just too awkward.  This is no reflection on past husbands or lovers, it was my issue.  I could have been married to a guy who had the sex appeal of George Clooney and the insight of Dr Phil and I still would have frozen when he touched me without some sort of emotional anesthetic.

The thought of sober sex alone was terrifying enough way back then, but add to the mix the word intimacy, and I felt paralyzed with fear.  Even though I had not experienced heartfelt intimacy from my perspective in my 33 years of life, I somehow still dreaded the concept.  Whenever a man touched me, my heart, head and body all argued, and it always resulted with my heart leaving the room.  My head and body stayed and had sex and I felt like I was being cheated and cheating him.  My heart remained malnourished.

I had experienced a lot of sex in my life by the age of 33 when my sobriety began.  I thought I knew a lot about it, and I probably do know a fair amount of technical and intellectual information.  But when it came to intimacy which involved allowing another to see into me, all of me, even the bitchy, scared and lost parts of me, well I  knew extremely little about that.

In -  to - me - see.  Break the word down my therapist said in one of our early sessions.  "Cynthia until you are willing to look into who you really are and then build a relationship with yourself that involves, forgiveness, compassion and gentle patience, you have no hope of building this with anyone else."

His words came back to me as I conducted an in house workshop yesterday in Cairns with a group of clinicians. 

I was sharing about the three components I have found to be essential for anyone who chooses to live a lifestyle that involves a healthy level of Emotional Fitness. 

If you would like to read more about the recipe for Emotional Fitness you will find the first point is highlighted in my previous blog "Brave and Beautiful Black Sheep", the second point in "Who's your Hope Masseuse" and the third in the blog "Heart Fatigue".  All of these previous blogs can be found under the heading "Heart and Hope Trauma" on the Home page.

But in a nutshell for now, the three elements I have observed that contribute to recovering, building, then maintaining a more robust level of emotional resilience in relationships are:

• 1. Tribal Support - Brave and Beautiful Black Sheep Blog
• 2. Tribal Elders - Who's Your Hope Masseuse Blog
• 3. Self Care - Heart Fatigue Blog

It was when I was explaining the self care component with this wonderful group of warm hearted clinicians yesterday that there were quite a few questions about this topic.

"The most valuable gift someone we love can give to us, is their time.  Their undivided attention that involves pupil contact and a heartfelt desire to be with us, love us, speak with and listen to us." I explained.

"Without what is often called Quality Time together with our lover, partner, children or dearest friends intimacy cannot grow."  It takes time, to get to know someone, like someone, and then love someone." They all nodded, what I was saying we all know is not rocket science.

"However, when it comes to our relationship with ourselves, how often do you give yourself the gift of your own time?  How often do you give yourself time to just be present to yourself, to pay attention, to love, speak and listen to yourself?" I asked.

"When seeing a new client for the first time whom has a background of  heart and hope trama, understandably they will be emotionally  hypersensitive. They will read your energy before they listen to your words.  For the first six months of my therapy, I have no idea what my therapist said.  I was just so relieved to be alone in a room with a man who cared more about my wellbeing than anything else.  The tone of his voice, the kindness in his eyes, the warmth and welcoming gestures he communicated when he sat, listened and spoke where what kept me coming back.  He was a warm hearted human being first, and a true therapist second.  He never revealed any of his private life, but I could see his heart was well nourished.  A well nourished heart needs intimacy and quality relationships to flourish." I paused and looked around the room, they were all giving me their undivided attention, and there were no questions, so I continued.

"I knew he practiced what he preached, so I listened and committed to learning from him, as he was emotionaly present when working with me.  He was the first to male in my life who could and would attend to my emotional wounds. 

Let's not forget the word therapist actually means "Attendant to the Soul".  I paused to check in with the group.  As I looked around the room there was a range of  responses, rigourous writing, pen chewing  and eye contact .... no questions, so I continued.

"It is imperative to ensure you continue to look after your own heart and ensure you take the time to self care.   Attending to your own hearts needs  involves connecting not just with loved ones, but with yourself.  If you dont make self care a priority in your own life,  you will burn out doing this work. Compassion fatigue is the result of a Helpaholic approach to life, family and work, ensuring we give everyone else our full attention, except ourselves." I shared.

I told them the story about the first emotional homework my therapist set for me that I actually did.  He had told me that I needed to practice more quality time with my sons as a newly single Mum,  as I had been physically present, but emotionally absent in their past, then they were just 7 and 9 (they are now 21 and 23).  He instructed me to ensure that whenever my sons hugged me, that I allowed them to always let go last.  This sounded easy peasy.

What I found was that night as I read my youngest boy (Little Chicken then 7, now aged 21) a bedtime story, when I leaned over to kiss him goodnight, he put his little arms around my neck to pull me close for a longer hug.  I let him hug me more.  After about 30 seconds I noted I wanted to pull away.  My head was telling me I still had school lunches to make, and washing to hang out, and a million of other reasons why I had to go.  However, my heart remembered what my therapist had said.

Instead of pulling away I relaxed and leaned into the crook of his neck and allowed myself to nuzzle my nose against the lovely milky skin of my baby's neck.  As I nestled in, he locked his little hands tighter around my neck.  He remained silent and so did I.  After a few minutes, tears rolled down my cheeks.  I realized that the reason I wanted to pull away was not really because I had stuff to do.  Mums always have stuff to do.  It was because I didn't feel worthy of his affection.  I felt great shame at the mother I had been to him and his brother.  I didn't feel deserving of his openhearted, beautifully unconditional love.  I am not sure how much time passed, but it was well over 30 minutes that I laid there with him.  I eventually got up when his arms went limp.  He fell asleep hugging me. 

Intimacy with my beautiful boys grew more and more in everyday life from that point.  We laughed, chatted and hugged more.   Their strong and pure little hearts lead the way and healed my tired and wounded heart.

After sharing this story I looked around the room, and there were tears, warms smiles and the rigourous note takers had put their pens down ... they had moved out of their heads and back into their hearts.

I went onto explain how these days, 14 years down the track, the first hour of my day is now always allocated for me.  I tack an extra hour onto my mornings to ensure I have time for my morning ritual of meditation (silent being present to myself) then prayer (verbal speaking out aloud with myself and Mother Nature and Father Time) followed by journaling (which is a sacred gift of joy I give to myself every day, that I just love).  This is a lifestyle for me, and keeps me Emotional Fit and functioning at my best.

Some days others might look at me if I am teary, feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed and question my level of Emotional Fitness.  Their opinion of me matters not.  These days I actually cope really well with not coping.  That to me, is real emotional growth. 

In years gone by, when I felt overwhelmed or lost and unable to cope with life on life's terms, I would pick up some form of self harm.  A drink, a drug, spending, eating, gossiping, start an argument with a loved one, or any destructive behavior to take me away from myself.

These days when I feel overwhelmed, I self care.  I cry.  I rest. I write. I ask for help.  I admit when I don't know or if I am afraid or feeling lost.  I pray. I meditate. I lie on the earth and connect with Mother Nature and ask Father Time to help me be patient and gentle with myself if I have made a mistake or been a bitch.  I can say sorry when I am wrong.  I can also stand up for myself and request a discussion to resolve a conflict if a personal boundary has been crossed by someone else.  This is for me Emotional Fitness in action.  Coping with not coping by self caring.

Self care and keeping Emotionally Fit is a lifestyle.  When people who want to work on their emotional growth come to me and say "I am sick of this shit, I have been working on my stuff for years, when does this end?"My response is, "It doesn't!"

We don't wake each morning and complain that we have to clean our teeth again, or take a shower, because we have done it every morning for thirty years, and ask when it will be enough.  The answer is the same.  Never.  Physical health and wellbeing is a lifestyle and a lifelong commitment.  We have a choice, we can refuse to self care physically, and if we do, the consequences are usually not pleasant.  We stink, become over or under weight and our overall health and quality of life will decay.

Emotional Fitness I have observed is the same.  If we actively choose not to self care, we become shitty people to be around, emotionally malnourished with low self esteem, or obese with our ego.  Our overall emotional health and the quality of all our relationships with self and others will decay as we age.

So I have found that over the years creating a daily habit of giving myself the gift of my own time has made a wonderful transformation to the emotional quality of my life.   I have come to know, like, build and maintain, a gentle love and respect for myself.  And surprise, surprise! .... sex and intimacy are now a wonderful joy in my life.  My body, head and heart can all be present and get along deliciously, rather than fighting and one leaving the room.  That is one of the reasons I call my darling hubby Mr. Delicious for he is the one my timid 47 year old heart drops its anchor with.  He is a true gift and divine blessing in my life.

I know, I know it's not rocket science.  Tribal Support, Tribal Elders and Self Care; it is a simple formula, but this does not mean it is an easy discipline to master.  Great rewards require great effort.  Until I really understood that I was worth my time and my own efforts too, I couldn't sincerely believe anyone else would feel the same way.

I, like many people that come into emotional recovery am not a slow learner, but a quick forgetter.  So a daily routine helps me immensely in building and maintaining a beautiful and emotionally abundant lifestyle.  I invite you to reflect on how much quality time you give yourself to just be with you.  Not doing stuff, just being quiet and alone, with yourself. No sugar, caffiene, booze, reading material, television, mobile phone, Ipod or drugs.  Just you, alone with you.

Those that we can do nothing with and have a lovely time just being in their company are our hearts intimate partners.  When we don't have to do.  When we can just be ... then we are in true heartfelt companionship with ourselves and others.

Can you do nothing with yourself, can you just be ... and have a peaceful time?

Thanks for sharing this space with me today.  It's lovely to be home in Bris Vegas after a couple of days away.  Here are the Word Vitamins I need to remind myself of today, that you are most welcome to share with me.

"Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade.  Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still."  Robert Sternberg