Enjoying or Enduring Life

You know those toys toddlers play with that includes a rubber hammer and three pop up characters?  As the child hits one of the characters on the head, another pops up in its place, but the three characters don't all show up at the same time?

Well this type of toy reminds me of the frustrating relationships I have had with My Head, Heart and Body throughout my past 47 years of my life.  These three elements that we are all given to work with to help us live and enjoy life, for me anyway have always worked in isolation, as individual components, disconnected from each other, each fighting for dominance as laws unto themselves, but never as a united team.  I never got to enjoy them all simultaneously, or to be fully satisfied for only ever one part of me, or on the rare occassion, two parts of me were present at once.  But never all of me,  I always kept something of myself back, either My Head (what I really thought) My Heart (what I honestly felt) or My Body (actions I truly wanted to take) were suppressed.  I never honoured myself fully, therefore never found anyone else that was willing to honour me fully either, for acess to all of me was an unavailable option not just for others, but for me also. 

I spent the first three decades of my life enduring my relationship with myself,  and enjoying little of what it meant to be me.  My Head, Heart and Body were all at war with each other, and saw each other as the enemy to be dominated, controlled or conquered.

So as you might have guessed, inner peace was not a place I experienced often throughout the first 33 years of my life.  However if I used the right combination of alcohol, drugs, caffeine, nicotine, sugar and external drama, I could reach a chemically induced state of peace, for a little while anyway.  I could mute my chaotic fear fuelled inner arguments and escape, 'get out of it' so to speak.

When I got clean and sober in 1995 and commenced removing my treasured 'weapons of mass distraction' I had been using to help me endure being me, what I was left with was an alarming view of my inner world.  I got to be present to what My Head really thought about myself and my life, I started to be able to feel the grief and fear that filled My Heart, and I slowly moved back into My Body and began to try to take healthier actions.  I commenced to begin to nourish myself more instead of poisoning my system with booze, drugs, excessive caffeine and nicotine.  It has been a long road from the land of self loathing to a new and unusal place for me called self respect.

Insight was not a pleasant experience for me in the beginning as I attempted to clean up the wreckage of my past so I had some space and some fertile ground to build a better future.  When you see a movie like The Thin Red Line, or Braveheart and the cameras sweep over the battle ground after the war and it is grey, and grim and gruesome as we witness what seems like senseless wastes of lives and inhumane cruelty.  Well that is what many humans are living with every day.  An inner war with themselves, that is destructive, ugly, intolerable and seemingly never ending.  This is what I had to face within myself almost 15 years ago after 33 years of self abuse and neglect.

As I  have worked on recovering my self respect, a day at a time for a while now,  one of the most important lessons I have learned, is:

The more I learn, the more I understand I know little, and have much still to  learn. 

However the little I have learned about how to connect and befriend this long lost trio of My Head, My Heart and My Body has made a world of difference to the quality of my life.  Genuine joy has replaced, gut wrenching anxiety and disappointment.  It is a huge journey that many of us embark on.  To digest and study this journey for me is easiest if I write it out as I go, and see in print what My Head, Heart and Body have to say to each other as they learn and share their findings.  Self study is in my view a powerful and fascinating way to find our own answers and without the trinity of Thought, Feeling and Action working together; we cannot gain insight into our true nature or tap our full potential. 

I wrote a blog earlier this year called 'A Letter of Apology' (under Food, Sex, Booze & Drug heading on Home Page).  In this blog I was sharing about the importance of making amends for past wrongs done to others as an important part of the recovery process.  It's called cleaning up the wreckage of our past.  I reflected upon making amends with Joe my ex-husband and the father to my two sons during the first year of my recovery.  It was cleansing and helped me take ownership of my past behavior and empowered me to make a fresh start and regain some self respect.

Over the past fifteen years it has taken a consistent surrender of my fear based ego in order to get to know the truth about these three dimensions of myself, more intimately. It started with a willingness to be open to be present to my Thoughts, Feelings and Actions by observing them, and doing my best to not judge them, but just learn about where my thoughts come from and go to, about what triggers joy and pain, and what actions I take to escape from, or get closer to, myself and others. 

I decided it would be helpful for me as I studied these elements of myself, to create some visual images of characters that depicted this trinity or team.  This way it became more tangible for me, I needed to engage with these elements of myself as I would engage with another person who was a stranger that I wanted to get to know.  This helped me  commence to really work with, not against the entirity of my being, and start peace talks by introducing the strangers within me to each other. 

Sound a bit fruity to you? 

Please bear with me if this concept sounds a bit odd, as I unashamedly am a bit odd, but for those reading this, that relate to visual imagery, this concept might be helpful for you.

My Head I gave the character of Joan Rivers the comedienne who I believe to be highly intelligent in a critical kind of way.  Her "on stage character" is whom I am referring to as I am sure the woman is quite a different person off stage.  But when she is entertaining her stage character seems very disenchanted and disappointed with males, and My Head and its associated thought processes all stem from this place too.  She seems to look for the worst in others and is skeptical and acid tongued.  She is not really impressed with  men, women or humanity in general, and seems to be fighting with Father Time, big time, as she jokes about her countless face lifts and surgical procedures.  So this fragmented part of me, My Head, when I began this journey was represented by Joan Rivers.  She was an accurate depiction of how I thought about myself, Father Time and people in general, bitter and dissatisfied.  As I share this process with you, perhaps ask yourself the question as to which character you would select that honestly depicts how and what you think about yourself, your life, and others, most of the time.

My Heart when I started this journey felt like a young Helen Keller.  I recalled seeing a movie as a little girl where Patti Duke played the role of Helen Keller.  Her frustration, and being treated as a dumb, useless human being that others tolerated was familiar to me and really how I felt in the depths of my heart.  I saw Helen Keller in this movie as brave and stoic, but mute and yet to learn how to effectively communicate.  I honestly felt when I started my recovery that my heart did not know how to speak or connect with others to make itself understood.  I lived in a perpetual state of emotional malnourishment as I was too afraid and honestly felt physically incapable of speaking up for my own feelings.  How do you feel about your current level of emotional communication?  Are your emotional needs being met, and if not, do you know what they are, and do you communicate them clearly, responsibly and frequently to those you love?

The character I chose to represent My Body was Xena the Warrior Princess for she was always at war and on the defensive, strong but fatigued, challenged by both men and women.  That's how my poor, tired and loyal body felt after years of unrealistic expectations and mistreatment at the hands of others and myself.  I had poisoned it with a multitude of chemicals, at times starved it, and then alternated by overloading it with sugar and fats.  It never had the support of My Head and My Heart.  When My Body was called to action, My Head often criticized it's in competencies and focused on its flaws, and My Heart simply left the room.  My Body has always been on its own to face life's battles alone.  You might choose to reflect now on a character you would select to represent your body.

So now you have a clear view of the fragmented reality of my inner world when I started my journey back in 1995.  Imagine Joan Rivers, Helen Keller and Xena the Warrior Princess all being on the same team supporting each other with their views about love, life, joy, beauty, parenting, men, sexuality, family values and the sisterhood?  It has been a mammoth task and has taken time, effort, tears and laughter, as I have developed quite an enjoyable sense of humour about myself and my inner world along the way.

So getting back to the letter of apology I wrote earlier in the year, it was a knock on blog from the previous one I had written (Eating and Competing with Males also under the same heading on the Home Page) where I confessed to My Body for the first time how neglectful and irresponsible My Head, and My Heart had been towards My Body.  It was almost like those two often ganged up on My Body.  I had focused a great deal in therapy sessions over the years on monitoring my Thoughts and Feelings and improving my communication skills with myself, but not as much attention had been given to what actions I took to care for My Body.

Over a decade later after putting down booze and drugs, I told myself that if the worst thing I did in my day was overload myself with excessive caffeine and sugar, it was a good day.  As long as I was clean and sober.  Now in the early days, eating sugar did help me as I physically detoxed from all the sugar in the booze I drank, and caffeine did help me also.  However, I swapped the witch for the bitch as they say in recovery circles.  I excused irresponsible and habitual neglect of my physical body and ate poorly, and drank way too much caffeine, so I could get as much physical mileage as possible from My Body, using and abusing it still.  I rarely exercised but if I did, it was grueling and punishing and something I endured rather than enjoyed.

It was only through the blessing of the onset of Menopause that commenced late in 2009, that I started to review my relationship with My Body.  Looking for a quick fix from the overwhelming hormonally emotive state I was entering, I visited my doctor.  She told me that Hormone Replacement Therapy was an option I could explore down the track as a last resort, but firstly she suggested I start to eat a balanced diet, exercise regularly, decrease my caffeine and sugar intake and rest more, and if I felt no better after six months of honestly committing to do that, we could then talk about taking a pill (HRT) to help me feel better.

I much preferred the option of instant gratification, a quick fix or taking a chemical solution rather than investing in caring for myself had been an option I had chosen for much of my life.  However, Mother Nature and Father Time have become trusted forces in my life, so I decided to invest in making the effort to increase my self care and put in the leg work and the time, and see where it took me. 

So back in February I started to adhere for the first time in my life to a balanced diet that included three meals a day and morning and afternoon tea.  It was scary to eat regularly and consistently for the first time in my life.  After twelve weeks of improving my self care with my eating patterns, I felt wonderful and like I had rejoined the human race, not to mention I lost over 7 kilos from eating more food than I ever have before.  I was elated.  I have maintained that weight loss, and feel wonderful and free from my old fear of food that I used to silently live with.

About six weeks into my healthy eating plan I found that as My Head and My Heart agreed for the first time in years to respectfully care for and pay attention to My Body I grew more and more aware of how little care and attention I had given to my loyal body over the past decades.  I began to feel and think about My Body with compassion more clearly.  I had a deep inner shift.  Almost like the miracle that happens when water makes contact with soil that has been in drought for decades.  When the rains finally come, fish, insect and birdlife seem to appear from nowhere.  It felt the same for My Head and My Heart witnessing My Body awakening and starting to enjoy rather than endure its existence.  As I commenced to bring more fresh water and nourishment to my long neglected body, it responded and started to come to life again.  Like a sleeping beauty.

So I felt compelled and finally ready to make amends with this dysfunctional relationship My Head and My Heart have had with My Body, and take responsibility for my wreck less, insensitive and unloving past behaviours.  And as crazy as this sounds, after writing this letter, a new world began to open up for me.

My Head and My Heart needed to communicate and write these words out to My Body after decades of being at war with it.

"We don't know how to talk to you.  We have only ever yelled at and ignored you, but never really talked to you with respect.  When we saw the deaf teenager in the movie earlier today something about sound being muted felt familiar to us.  It reminded us of you our dearest body.  It feels like at times when we try to speak to you, you cannot hear us.  Maybe all the trauma has damaged your capacity to receive us clearly, or maybe you have deliberately blocked us off to shut us out.  Either way, we would like to find a way to reach you.

We were both there when you were overpowered, hurt and disrespected as a little girl.  You took the full brunt of all the pain for us.   You were on the coalface of the abuse and the torture and you were so very, very brave.  We have never thanked you, and for that we are sorry.  Please hear us now.  We are deeply grateful and thankful.

We don't blame you for not listening anymore.  When one is consistently yelled at and ignored for 47 years in a relationship it would be hard to believe that change was ever going to happen and to be able to hold onto hope would be a mammoth task.  But something tells us, that you are far more robust and wonderful than we have ever given you credit for, and that you have been waiting for this day.  Maybe you have been just waiting for us to say sorry and come and extend ourselves to welcome you to take your rightful and valuable place with us in Cynthia's life.   As Cynthia's Head and Heart we now realise we need to make peace with you, our Body. We are incomplete without you.  We value you and need you."

About six more weeks after writing this letter, I started to day dream about taking long walks and eventually letting myself run again.  I used to love to run as a kid, I would hold my arms out like the wings of a bird and run home from school with my eyes closed at morning tea time.  I didn't want to go to school or be caged; I just wanted to be free.  My mother would drive me back to school, but I would simply run home again the next day. 

It was long cross country races I loved the most as a child, I liked the feeling of strength in my body, I was not a great athlete by any means, but I loved the feeling of running.  I also like to walk a lot.  I grew up in the Adelaide Hills in Bridgewater and would walk for miles as a child.  I loved the solitude and also liked to be able to use my legs at my own pace, to feel the blood flow into them for when I was being abused, often my legs were held and restricted and it was not safe to use them so I would make them go dead, go numb, turn them off.  So using them again was exhilarating for me as a little girl.

I spoke to Mr. Delicious (my husband) about how I had loved to walk and run the most as a child, and even as an adult.  Even when I was obsessively working out with a personal trainer a decade ago, I couldn't wait to get on the treadmill with music.  I loved it; it was my favourite part of the workout.

My husband is a rower and had wanted to purchase a rowing machine for himself, and make a home gym as he already had an exercise bike, so he suggested we also purchase a running machine just for me.  I squealed with delight, and jumped around the room clapping when he made the suggestion!!

I have had my running machine for five weeks now, and have noticed how much fear and self doubt I need to face each time I step onto the machine.  I have found if I meditate before I commence, I am able to relax and really learn and observe how My Heart and My Head have worked against My Body in the past.  I am gradually, with each workout, re-uniting this once fractured team. 

It reminds me of the work I needed to do once I began having sober sex.  I found being emotionally present so challenging in the early days for I was an emotional virgin when it came to attempting to make love.  My Body and My Head would stay in the room, but My Heart would leave.   I had had plenty of sex in my past, but to make love, one must also bring their heart into the bed.  So I would meditate in the bathroom or sometimes even drop to my knees before getting into bed, so I could relax and surrender the war between this trio, and invite My Head, My Heart and My Body to come together, and make love, not war against each other.  It started out as a deliberate discipline over a decade ago, and now it occurs naturally.   I can enjoy making love, rather than just enduring having sex, as I did for much of my adult life before I learned how to surrender and stop fighting with myself, and also found a partner I felt emotionally safe with and was willing to be vulnerable with.

The same discipline is now required for me as I introduce exercise into my lifestyle.  My Body is surprisingly strong even after years of neglect, and my husband tells me the pace and distances at which I run are impressive. I have no idea as I prefer not to compare myself with what others can or cannot do, however my challenge is with self doubt.  What I find really challenging is to not let my self doubt short circuit my enjoyment.  If I let my self doubt build, it becomes like a fuse that blows and takes out all of the electricity, it can blow my enjoyment and push my heart out of the room, and take me into punishment and enduring the exercise rather than enjoying it.  So building tolerance so that My Head, Heart and Body trio don't revert back to warring with each other is the discipline now for me.  

Music helps me a great deal to relax and allow My Body to have its fun, to express itself and enjoy itself.  I come off that treadmill and My Heart is pumping with joy, and My Head thinks impressive thoughts at how well I can do, and my self respect and self confidence are massaged.  This is a new privilege for me, to feel this good about being in My Body.  I have far more experience in finding comfort in being uncomfortable in My Body, for I know how to navigate that emotional territory.  And I am sad to say that it is more common, I have observed, at middle age for women to be unhappy with their bodies, rather than empowered, exhilarated and proud of their bodies.

So nowadays if you were to ask me to define three characters that depicted My Head, My Heart and My Body I would answer very differently.

When I run, I often replay in my mind's eye film footage I saw of a long legged gorgeous woman running in New York City.  It stopped me in my tracks when I saw it and I made a heart recording of it internally so I could play it back to myself as a rare visual treat.   She was so into her body, she was feminine not masculine in any way, and free, she was smiling not frowning and concentrating, she was not running against any other woman, but just for the joy of it.  It was footage one rarely sees of women, just enjoying exercise and being who they are.  So My long lost beloved Body feels like that now, no longer like Xena The Warrior Princess, there is no war to fight anymore.  I no longer feel like a princess, as I am taking the reigns as The compassionate Queen that rules lovingly over the newly united team of my own Head, Heart and Body now. 

My Heart feels like mine now, I don't have an external character like Helen Keller anymore in order to mirror it back to me, I don't feel mute nor emotionally incompetent.  When I look into the mirror of a morning as I dress for the day ahead, it feels good to be me.  Helen Keller was once a powerful mirror when I was a stranger to my own heart, but I have thanked her, and said goodbye to her too now.

And the Joan River's character I love dearly for the insight she afforded me to learn about my harsh thought processes with humour instead of judgment.  My Head and its thought processes I study daily as I journal, as I blog, within my own therapy sessions, and as I conduct workshops.  I am better at judging my thoughts less and observing them more with compassionate humour when I can, so that I can dispose of the thoughts that are fear based and keep the ones that are constructive and loving.

One of the main reasons I only ever presented one dimension of myself to the world at a time, was for safety.  I would hit overwhelm quite easily being a sensitive female, so restricting the access others had to My Head, Heart and Body was an act of self preservation before I knew myself.  When we are a stranger to ourselves, we can be afraid of what we might say, do or feel in an unguarded moment.  And so it is easier to guard one dimension at a time, not making available our whole selves to others made life more manageable, but kept us at war with ourselves, and disconnected from intimacy.  To be intimate with ourselves we must first honour our true nature, and what we honestly feel in our own hearts, we must become unafraid to think for ourselves, and then be committed to taking actions with our bodies that support who we are and what we will and won't stand for.

Giving ourselves permission to fully enjoy being who we are I think takes a lifetime, and along the way, we detox our fears and self doubt as we mature.  For those of you who like me have had a good deal of pain and fear to release in order to recover your self respect it is imperative that you deliberately look for ways to introduce pure joy into your lives every day.  Not chemically induced pleasure, but pure joy.  The joy we find with children, pets, nature, heartfelt hobbies and with loved ones who we don't have to pretend with or perform for, but are free to be whom we are and know we will be loved and welcomed even when we are at our worst.  This is the toughest love of all, to be loved when we are unlovable.

So if I can leave you with this question today ... What are you deliberately doing to increase pure joy in your daily life?  For pain is a part of living, it is said that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  We only suffer when there is no pure joy in our lives to combat and balance out painful times.  Going responsible for the joy in our lives is our responsibility alone, not our lovers, partners or anyone else's, but ours.

What brings your Head, Heart and Body joy simultaneously?  What can you introduce into your daily life that will build your self respect, make your heart smile with simple pleasure and increase your enjoyment in being you? 

I would like to leave you with these Word Vitamins from Kahil Gibran for those of you who may be still at war with your Head, Heart and Body and starting to sort through the wreckage left after the war, as I described earlier.  This is a powerful time, as it can be the beginning of the end of your internal war.  The best is yet to come.

Please keep your comments coming, I love hearing from you all, and should have a brochure to circulate regarding the Emotional Fitness Master Classes within the next week!  Thanks for visiting me here again, and I hope to connect with you again soon.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."