The Gift of Desperation

I always loved that song that "The Eagles" sing called "Desperado".  Every time I hear the lyrics I visualize a dusty faced cowboy whose only real relationship he has in his life is to his horse and to the ever changing landscape that he consistently searches .... looking for a place to stay .... but only ever for a little while, he is an emotional drifter who keeps on the move. 

The safety in remaining emotionally disconnected from people is something I too became addicted to in my younger years.  The song by The Eagles talks about freedom, but Desperado becomes trapped by his need to run and live on the emotional edges of life.  There is no freedom for him; for he doesn't lovingly choose solitude ... he is fearfully driven to a life of isolation.  

The lifestyle Desperado is chained to in this song, is also adopted by many who live as inner city landscape cowboys.  Instead of their horse as their vehicle of escape, modern day cowboys and cowgirls that crave to live on the outer emotional edges of life, keeping their hearts a safe distance from others choose their careers, laptop and electronic devices instead of people, to become their connection points.

"You better let somebody love you, let somebody love you, let somebody love you before its tooooooo, late." The song continues on singing lyrics of warning to the lone emotional wolf Desperado has become. 

Letting somebody love you can be the scariest most challenging proposal in the world, for those who have been abused, abandoned and traumatised in the name of love. 

Keeping on the move and travelling away from others can be done within the comfort of your own lounge room.  As a recovering Desperado myself, I know the tricks of the "emotional disconnection" trade only too well.  Many of my clients looking to improve their levels of Emotional Fitness identify too with always being emotionally and geographically on the move, never staying long enough in one place to be known well or to know the warmth in others.  Relaxing with people is not an option for Desperados for they remain guarded and emotionally unavailable.  But if they are unable to physically travel and leave their environment, they can emotionally remain unavailable often for a whole lifetime, whilst sharing a home, office, family and relationships with others.

Mastering the ability to be physically present but emotionally absent is a necessity for the city dwelling Desperado to survive.  Alcohol, drugs, pills, food, hectic social circles that demand giving small pockets of attention to many people keep relationships superficial, secretive sex, computers and crackberries (Blackberry's and assorted mobile phone in  other words) obsessions and distractions all efficiently make it difficult to sustain meaningful emotional bonds with others.  These are some of the most common weapons of mass distraction Desperados emotionally hide behind.

Working in remote areas, choosing shift hours, or evening hours that keep them out of mainstream life give them a legitimate excuse to not be emotionally available.   Being on the move as a lifestyle choice works well for the Desperado, never staying long enough or being accessible enough to build intimate relationships.

When one feels emotionally wounded or traumatized, rather than being exposed as vulnerable, naïve, afraid, awkward and traumatised in relationships they prefer to hide, or just not go there.  Humans will only emotionally connect with others, if we feel safe.  We are hard wired to self preserve.   If no emotional elders have been available to model how safe and respectful relationships look, sound, function and feel to be around ... heart connection remains foreign and unsafe prospect. 

Sometimes extremely painful events occur in life like sexual, physical or emotional abuse, trauma, death of or separation from a loved one.  When events like this happen to a human heart, it simply becomes too painful to continue to invest in loving, intimate relationships until the wounding surrounding the distressing event is addressed. 

The issue of concern is that when we shut ourselves of from our emotional pain, we also shut ourselves off from heartfelt joy.  Life becomes meaningless when humans are unable to connect, enjoy and sustain loving and supportive relationships.

Many Desperados including myself, at the beginning of their emotional recovery journey report feeling emotionally numb, apathetic and cynical about even trying to change.  Disconnection from their pain over time has often minimalised their capacity to feel joy and ignite their passion to engage in life.

One of the lines in the song Desperado asks:

"Why don't you come to your senses, you've been out riding fences for so long now"

It has to make sense to want to reconnect to life again.  "Why would I open up and let someone close to me and just set myself up for more pain" my clients sometimes ask me?  I remember I asked my therapist that very question almost 15 years ago.  I did not feel deserving of a better life and felt flawed and unable to be am emotionally fitter person.  But over the years through using the "one day at a time" approach I have been able to remain emotionally safe with the wise guidance of a professional therapist and the support of Beautiful Barb (my heart mother) whom I met at a recovery group and build my emotional strength and fitness.

Reconnecting to life has to start with the basics,  like a newborn child has to.  They learn about the world around them, and how to keep themselves safe through their senses.  So it is for recovering Desperados ... before we even concern ourselves with connecting with  others, we have to start with building a gentle and loving heartfelt connection with ourselves.  The first place to start is with our common senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, sound).  Massaging love, beauty and hope back into our malnourished hearts has to start with simple tasks.  Working with instead of against, Mother Nature and Father Time is essential for one day at a time; we need to make time our friend, not our enemy.   Recovering Desperados need to take baby steps.   

Being able to sit still and be, rather than hectically doing and running is simple but not easy.  Taking time to look at beauty, surround self with lovely scents, choose to eat nourishing food that is not loaded with sugar, salt and spice, touching another human's hand, or allowing someone to touch you respectfully and taking time to listen to music that is relaxing and soothing will work miracles over time.  These are the disciplines that connect head, heart and body through the senses so they all work together in harmony rather than being at war with each other.

Coming to our senses needs to be a personal and gentle journey when our senses have been traumatised, ignored and or disrespected in the past.   The good news is that when we finally are able to surrender our ego and our fears and find a safe person to do that with, healing happens.  Like rain on drought stricken land.  Out of nowhere new life springs forth, after eons of malnourishment and neglect, just waiting for the seasons to change and for us to surrender our fear.  Our tears like rain brings new life to the once hardened areas of our hearts.

To call someone desperate in my past, was always an insult in my mind; I never envisaged it would be a gift for me and help me get into emotional recovery so I could start to build the life of my dreams. 

Desperation can be a gift without a doubt.  I have heard many great sayings over the years about willingness, surrender and pain.  The one I love the most that is often said is that "Pain is the gift that nobody wants".

To unashamedly acknowledge the Desperado within me was my turning point.  I was emotionally disconnected from my own heart, and therefore unfit and unable to build and sustain quality heartfelt relationships with others.  As an unfit person is physically disconnected from their body and unable to run a marathon until they "one day at a time" commit to making incremental changes.  In time, if they don't give up, they will become physically fitter and run marathons if they choose.  It is a universal law.  I can now say I feel like an emotional athlete and am able to enjoy and sustain abundant and beautiful relationships with myself and others.  It has been said many times before that in life one needs both inspiration and desperation to achieve.

Those who identify with being emotionally disconnected Desperado's like I have been, please ... take heart.  With time and patience we are able to evolve into proud Kings and Queens who reign with wisdom, love and respect over the abundant terrain of our own hearts.  And this is only possible when we are gracious enough to accept the unlikely "gift of desperation."  I would like to leave you with some Word Vitamins from Jim Carey which made me smile.

"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you aint interesting!"