Turning Points

 'Have you heard?'

'Heard what?' I replied without particular apprehension. 

'What your young friend has done: he has killed himself! Didn't you realize how much that guy was suffering?'

A two column article explained that my friend had shot himself at dawn with his father's pistol.  I could not believe it.  It must have been someone else, maybe with the same name and profession, but not him.  My eyes full of tears; I read and reread the article.  I refused to believe that my friend - my splendid, intelligent, brilliant friend - was the same person who had carried out this insanity. And, God, I did not see him suffering at all!

These words I read last Friday afternoon as I opened the book that had just been mailed to me. The book is called Turning Points and has been written by Diego De Leo.  Diego is a Professor of Psychiatry and Director of the Australian Institute for Suicide Research and Prevention at Griffith University in Brisbane where he also directs the World Health Organisation Collaborating Centre for Research and Training in Suicide Prevention. Diego has won several international awards, but this book is his first for a general audience.

Years and years ago I was invited by Diego to write a piece for him for a book he was putting together.  He wanted real stories from real people who had been suicidal in their lifetime.

I was touched by his genuine concern for people like me.  Diego's compassion had also been echoed in an article that was written by a wonderful journalist about suicide, after I had given a talk at Parliament House in Canberra.    Matt Price from The Weekend Australian had this to say:

"The most moving speech I've heard in parliament this year by a good distance wasn't delivered in the House of Representatives or the Senate.  Nor was the orator a politician...A tall, attractive woman named Cynthia Morton rose to speak .... Those of us in the room, including Health Minister Tony Abbott, who'd sensibly excused himself from mundane duties, struggled to fight back tears...... 

Matt Price went on to say that his reason for writing this piece was ...

"Mainly, to help counter some of the sanctimonious bunk flying around since the suicide attempt of NSW Liberal MP John Brogden.  The one thing we know about suicide is we don't know very much about it at all.  Why are some of us, such as Morton, so resilient and others so vulnerable?"

These questions are asked by many of us, not just journalists like Matt Price and Professors like Diego, but by anyone who has had suicide touch their lives.  So of course I said yes to Diego, and have always said yes to any opportunity to help others understand this complex human issue.

I had been out of touch with Diego for quite a few years.  He works a great deal in Italy, and so I figured he was perhaps back in Europe working.   So, I was surprised when I received an email from him late in 2009 saying that his book Turning Points which is the book he was talking about all those years ago, was due to be released early 2010.

Diego asked if I would be prepared to speak at his forthcoming launch.  I congratulated him and said I would be happy to help.

Then a couple of weeks ago I received an invitation from his Publishers to attend the event confirming my availability.

"Yes I would love to attend, however I wrote my story for Diego years ago, I haven't seen the book as yet, and would love to read it beforehand." I said to his Publicity Manager.

"No problem Cynthia I will put one in an express bag for you today." She offered.

So when it arrived on Friday my heart pounded as I opened it to read what I had written quite a few years ago.

Turns out it was almost 8 years ago as I was 40, another time, another marriage.  What a blast from the past.

Diego opens Part One of book sharing the story of his splendid, intelligent, brilliant friend who took his own life (his words I commenced today's blog with).  It is both a heart breaking and inspirational message.  He then goes onto introduce me and others who have contributed to this book with their stories.  I was gob smacked when I read his introduction for me.   I honestly thought that Diego had gone onto publish this book without my words.  He is an international academic and I understood my words may well have been too "non clinical" or un professional for his readers.  I thought I had probably waffled on too much, and did not write anything that captured what he was looking for.  I had not heard anything for so long from him.  So I was truly flabbergasted when I read the words he had written to introduce me:

"The book opens with 'Sharks and Dolphins', a chapter from a professional writer, Cynthia Morton, that I have solicited after meeting her.  This lady is a brilliant communicator and motivational speaker; she has already published an autobiography and more.  She certainly has the capacity to capture the reader's attention.  The fresh style of her narration counterbalances the many miseries of her past life."

Phew.  I got a lump in my throat.  Is that me he is talking about?  I had this man's opinion of me, all wrong.

As I concluded reading Part One, I was enthralled, what a wonderful book he had put together.  Part Two of Turning Points features "Stories from the Edge" and leads with my story. As I read my opening words, I was truly a bit scared.  I was concerned that my naïve way of using words (being an uneducated, teen school dropout, and untrained writer) may well have made me sound like an idiot:

Dear Diego,

Being suicidal at different phases I life does not mean we are always destined to feel that way.  My story illustrates that fact.  From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to "get dead".

It is only now at age 40, looking back on those days, do I truly understand that I was a suicidal child, then teenager and later adult.

I feel like I courted death all throughout my life.  Like an elusive lover, I waited desperately for him to send me a signal, or just to show up and take me away from it all, but he never showed.  I laid the red carpet out for him many times, inviting him into my life; I dreamt about him constantly, about his exquisite touch that bought relief.  I longed to be with him, but I was always faced with rejection.  Death represented freedom.  I felt jailed.

My story went on for 23 pages and each time I turned a new page I was faced with many mixed feelings.  It had been a long time since I had really read my story; actually I don't read my own books.  I write them, then set them free from the nest of my laptop, like a young bird that is ready to leave mother and fly.  So this was a first for me to take it all in like this.

It was a turning point for me to really see myself as a useful writer through Diego's eyes.   I lay on the day bed on my Queenslander verandah reading his work.  I actually looked at the reflection of myself in my own words and felt a deep and quiet combination of both compassion and sadness.

I continued on and read the whole 23 pages, bracing myself with each new paragraph.  My writing was raw and rigorously honest, and I remembered as I wrote these words 8 years ago, never for one minute, did I think he would publish every single word like he has.  I eventually finished my long letter to Diego and my closing paragraph read.

Miracles happen every day Diego, and I am grateful to know I am just one of many people who do recover and reclaim their right to an abundant life.

The books format then has Diego commenting on the individual's story and I was deeply moved to read the words that followed his summation of my journey.

"Her new self-esteem and the discovery of fresh meaning in life is a product of the many talents and emotional robustness that Cynthia naturally possesses.  Her life experiences are too important to waste:  they have such potential to assist - even save - many other people.  Her 'Emotional Fitness' program could not have a more credible basis.  Bravo Cynthia!"

Wow.  My heart was heavy for the remainder of the afternoon.  I rang my Heart Mother Barb to speak with her as I was overwhelmed, but got her voicemail.  I was anxious, unsettled and proud of myself all at once.  So I sat in silence under the fan in my lounge room, and took deep breaths.  I had to digest this and take it all in.  I had to sit with it and hold my own hand.

Receiving validation can really fluster me emotionally.  But that wasn't all the validation Mother Nature and Father Time had in store for me.  Saturday afternoon I received an email from that wonderful Australian Icon that I had written to earlier this week.  I had met her years ago back in 2001 when we both appeared as panelists on popular midday television show.  She was a regular panelist and I a guest.  I was invited back four times that year to be a guest on that show, much to my surprise.  It was back then my admiration for her professionalism, warmth and intelligence began.

When I approached this fellow panelist earlier last week I was unsure if she would even get back to me.  This woman is a major Australian celebrity nowadays, and would have a hectic working schedule.

But on Saturday night, she did.  She said yes.  She committed to write the forward for my new book child "Emotional Monogamy".  Again, the anxiety rose.  Good stuff, validation, people believing in me and backing me in the big wide world still feels foreign and like someone has made a mistake. 

I am grateful and excited.  I will continue to nurse this book child a little longer before I approach publishers; I am not quite ready for them yet.  I will keep you posted on how mother/author and child/book are doing.

So I just wanted to close today's blog with a heartfelt thank you to Diego for including me in his amazing new book, and for his important international work for humanity.

Also I will keep the identity of this wonderful Australian Icon a surprise for you until the book comes out, but she knows who she is.    I want to also thank her for agreeing to give me some of her time later this year to help support my message.  Thank you so very much.

For those of you that are interested in attending the book launch of Turning Points in Brisbane next week, you are most welcome, however you will need to RSVP.  It is being held at Mary Ryan's Book Shop in Milton at 6.00pm on Thursday February 25^th, 2010.

If you would like to join me and support Diego's wonderful work just phone Amanda Hearn on 07 3257 1176 or email her on a.hearn@australianacademicpress.com.au and let her know you would like to attend.  If you are in another state I am sure Diego's books will be available in most bookstores, but if you have trouble finding it perhaps email Amanda or give her a call and she can let you know where you can pick up a copy in your city.

For those of you in Cairns tomorrow I will be up there running a workshop and doing and interview on the ABC.  If you would like more details just drop me an email to cynthia@emotinalfitness.com.  Also my apologies for those of you that have been trying to order my books from the Resources page.  The contact order form is being re-attached as the original is off floating in cyberspace without our permission, sorry about that.

The Word Vitamins that warmed my heart when I read them today are anonymous but powerful.  I needed to read them as I have been 'on hold' a little while with continuing to write my book.  I have been facing the fears I always face before I write a book.  Fears that I don't have what it takes, I am not good enough or clever enough, fears that I am told are common not just amongst the amateurs like me, but even with professional writers.

Diego's encouraging words and the support of this wonderful woman have provided me with the nudge of encouragement I have needed to take myself off of pause.  No excuses, no stalling, I will now sign off today's blog and get to work.  Thanks so much for sharing this space with me again today.

I will be flying to Cairns tomorrow and be away from my desk until Thursday but will do my best to squeeze in a blog in the next few days from sunny North Queensland.  Till then.....

"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin." Author unknown