A Letter Of Apology

Making amends for past wrongs done to others is an important part of the recovery process.  It's called cleaning up the wreckage of our past.  I remember making amends with Joe my ex-husband and the father to my two sons during the first year of my recovery.  It was cleansing and helped me take ownership of my past behavior and empowered me to make a fresh start and regain some self respect.

I was just watching a movie with a leading Hollywood star in it and throughout the first hour of the movie this hunky, healthy male was jogging.  The movie kept cutting back to him jogging and as he jogged it was apparent that it was helping him emotionally deal with a recent death.  His body was his friend, his companion.

Immediately I felt envious.  Since writing my blog last week on Eating, Competing and Males I was able to see then, for the first time, the envy I have been carrying for 47 years towards males and the relationships they have with their bodies.

I was working in Melbourne last year with some AFL elite footballers and noticed then also how their relationship with their body was solid and unwavering.  It was their friend and a trusted companion.   It was the one relationship they could emotionally commit to, respect and find safe emotional comfort in. 

I have been the exact opposite throughout my 47 years.  My body has been the one relationship I have never committed to solidly, respectfully and it is no surprise that I have never been able to find any comfort or companionship in the physical realm. My body I have treated like a burden and a liability criticizing it consistently and always looking for fault.  I have starved it, overloaded it, poisoned it with excessive abuse of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and sugar and neglected it.

There was a line in this movie where the lead actor was trying to help out a deaf and mute teenager.  The actor did not know how to use sign language and was getting frustrated trying to communicate and help the distressed teen.

"I don't know how to talk to you" he said with genuine exasperation and concern.

At that moment I paused the movie.  I got up and started to write almost involuntarily.  It happens to me sometimes.  I do it in the dark in the middle of the night like this at times too, I just do what I am told and almost hold the pen over the paper, and the words come flooding through me, I don't have to think about them, they come from a deeper place.  I am often woken up by an inspirational word picture or idea in the dead of night, and in a state of semi sleep I reach into my bedside drawer, grab my pad and pen and write in the dark so I don't wake my husband.  The next day my pad is tattooed with written treasures that I am grateful to have captured in the quiet hours when my subconscious and conscious mind are comparing notes.

What I found myself writing, once I paused this movie, was a letter of apology.  A letter of apology from my head and my heart, who are now finally talking after decades of being at war with each other.  I know this sounds a little odd, but my head and heart demanded I get up then and there and write to my body.  So I started to scribble down pages and pages of notes on the small telephone table pad, and realized this was going to require a bigger container.  So I have come downstairs and here we are. 

It seems I am finally ready to make amends with this dysfunctional relationship my head and heart have had with my body, and take responsibility for my wreck less, insensitive and unloving past behaviours.

I have been longing to take myself for a walk, or a run, or to do Yoga or Pilates over the past couple of weeks.  But I have felt frozen.  Almost as if my body is not speaking to me, and does not want to hear any more of my fear based bullshit when it comes to exercising. I don't blame it.

I was talking to Mr. Delicious (my husband) the other evening.  He had sent me an email earlier that day after he had read my blog on Eating, Competing and Males.  He was telling me how proud he was of me for being so brave and honest writing that blog. He knows how private and ashamed of the relationship battle I have had with my body I have been in the past.

We were discussing exercise as he was interested in my resistance and anger I have towards the whole subject.

"Sweetheart, there is more to this.  I'm not sure what it is, but you get so upset whenever we talk about the subject of physical exercise.  Maybe you should consider exercising with another woman so that you don't try and keep up with me or compare yourself with males?" he suggested.

The adrenalin in my heart pounded as he spoke.  I knew my heart was willing to start afresh with my body.  But my body was not listening.  Any time I had asked myself if I felt like going for a walk, or going back to a gym or to a yoga class, something internally slammed a door.  I have had a little more free time on my hands since finishing my manuscript and most certainly could squeeze some exercise into my routine now, if my body was willing.

But it is not.  It just leaves the room when I approach the subject.   It is really pissed off with my head and my heart's past behavior.

So I am going to write a letter of apology from my head and my heart to my dear body in the hope that it can grant me forgiveness for my self inflicted betrayal, abuse, neglect and insensitivity.  So as weird as this may seem to anyone else, to me, I believe it is long overdue. So here goes.....

I have to run upstairs and do an anxiety wee before I start.  My heart is pounding and I am anxious.... Be back in a sec..

Right I am back and had to take off a layer of clothing as my body temperature has risen and I am having to take deliberate deep breaths and as I walked up the stairs I wanted to cry.

To my dear Body,

We don't know how to talk to you.  We have only ever yelled at and ignored you, but never really talked to you with respect.  When we saw the deaf teenager in the movie earlier today something about sound being muted felt familiar to us.  It reminded us of you our dearest body.  It feels like at times when we try to speak to you, you cannot hear us.  Maybe all the trauma has damaged your capacity to receive us clearly, or maybe you have deliberately blocked us off to shut us out.  Either way, we would like to find a way to reach you.

As the head, body and heart team Mother Nature and Father Time have put together to help Cynthia navigate her life, we know we have not ever worked with each other, but rather against each other.  We have rarely supported or stood by you, but we are here now, today.  We only hope that you might be willing to forgive us and agree it is better late than never.

We were both there when you were overpowered, hurt and disrespected as a little girl.  You took the full brunt of all the pain for us.   You were on the coalface of the abuse and the torture and you were so very, very brave.  We have never thanked you, and for that we are sorry.  Please hear us now.  We are deeply grateful and thankful.

We don't blame you for not listening anymore.  When one is consistently yelled at and ignored for 47 years in a relationship it would be hard to believe that change was ever going to happen and to be able to hold onto hope would be a mammoth task.  But something tells us, that you are far more robust and wonderful than we have ever given you credit for, and that you have been waiting for this day.  Maybe you have been just waiting for us to say sorry and come and extend ourselves to welcome you to take your rightful and valuable place with us in Cynthia's life.   We are incomplete without you.  We value you and need you.  We hope you will accept our invitation to enjoy the second half of Cynthia's life, with us.  We encourage you to express yourself freely, at your pace and in your way, for we have missed so much joy in Cynthia's life because we shut you out.  We blamed you for what happened, and that was wrong.  You were a little child's body, there is nothing you could have done to stop it, it was not your fault.  We are sorry we made you feel it was.  We ganged up on you and that was cruel.  Please consider our apology as we pray and hope for your forgiveness.

We see other people dancing, loving, respecting and playing with their bodies and it makes us sad.  It makes us envious because we want that for the three of us too.

We don't know how to do this.  Or where to start.  So writing is what we are resorting to for written words have been able to speak for us when the spoken word is too confronting.  However we are going to read this letter out aloud to you when we finish so we are sure you hear us, and know we are now willing to step up, speak up and commit to supporting you, but most importantly, love and respect you from this day forward.

We know you have great strength.  In those days when shame and fear were dominating us and we marched you off to the gym even when you were tired, sore and feeling punished, you showed up for us.  You did more sit ups, push ups and lifted heavier weights than any other woman there.  Thank you, we are sorry we pushed you so hard and uncaringly.  No wonder you don't want to go back to that.  Nor do we.  We know you can run well, and walk for miles and miles.  But we won't dictate how you choose to express your strength physically and find your joy; we will co-operate and not judge you nor dominate you anymore.   We hope to be a powerful and supportive team and work with you to find your own style of physical expression.

We do remember walking through Paris for 7 hours with you and Mr. Delicious, we loved that, we were all together and happy on Cynthia's honeymoon, thank you for showing up and being the great sport that you are.  And also when we all worked as a unified human being, which has been rare for us.  When we trekked the Amazon Jungle in Peru, that was a wonderful time.  We walked every evening for hours, even though we were abusing you with excessive alcohol during that time, you still carried us through the sacred heart of the Amazon tirelessly, it was a physical highlight of our life and we want to say thank you for showing up for us again then, even though we weren't there for you.

We also have never said a thank you for carrying and birthing our two beautiful boys safely for us.  What a blessing.  So many women dream of this privilege and you were so stoic and silent as we overloaded you with food during the pregnancy and forced you to carry not just the weight of the children but fear weight as well, and you did not complain, not once.  Thank you also so very much for your quiet integrity and humilty.

You have been so loyal to us, so faithful and resilient.  You have endured so much without one word of thanks and for that we are truly sorry.

We would like to make amends and even though it has taken us until mid life, aged 47 and a half to grow up enough and have the clarity to see how poorly we have treated you.  We sincerely hope you will consider this apology.

As you know we are committed to firstly changing our eating habits from a fear based lifestyle, to a love based relationship.  It has only been six weeks but we promise to do our very best to continue to commit to a healthy lifestyle with eating from here on in.  There will be no deprivation of your favourite foods or overloading you with them.  We will commit to eating three balanced meals a day, not skipping meals and allowing healthy morning and afternoon tea snacks so that you never go hungry or feel bloated or overloaded again.

If you could be a little patient with us as we install this new way of eating we would be most grateful, we may slip up from time to time, but give you our word that if we do, we will apologise and get back on track as soon as we are able.  If you could focus on progress not perfection we would be deeply appreciative.

What has happened over the past six weeks whilst we have been respectfully feeding you, is that we are growing more and more aware of you.  We can feel and see you more clearly now.  Almost like the miracle that happens when water makes contact with soil that has been in drought for decades.  When the rains finally come, fish, insect and birdlife seem to appear from nowhere.  It feels the same for us with you.  As we have commenced to bring more fresh water and nourishment to you, you have responded and started to come to life again.  Like a sleeping beauty.

We feel you, and see you and are so thankful for you our darling body.  Please take this formal letter of apology as a written contract, like a wedding vow that you can rely on and remind us of if we slip back into old ways. 

We don't know where to from here, but we are willing to take direction from you.  Please show us what brings you joy, and how you would like to express yourself and we will honour that and look forward to getting to know you better, and hopefully be able to build a wonderful future together.

Thank you for taking the time dearest body to sit with us whilst we write these words.  We hope that you will give us an opportunity to read this out aloud to you as Mother Nature and Father Time witness our vow.

With love and great gratitude to our long lost body,

From your devoted and remorseful,

Heart & Head

I read and re-read this out aloud to myself until I could read it without crying.  And now I can.

I encourage you to contemplate writing a letter to your heart, head or body if you know that one of them has been ganged up on all your life and made the enemy.

I am not sure what my body will want to do from here, but I can be patient, God know it has been more than patient with my head and heart over the past 47 years.

I will leave you with some Word Vitamins from Dale Turner that make sense to my heart as I conclude this blog, and feel a deep sense of clarity and self understanding.  I hope to connect with you again next week if you have time to drop by.

"It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character"