Bossyfussbums

Bossyfussbum is a perfect title for me when I am emotionally out of balance.  When my hearts GPS system has gone off line I become controlling, pedantic and quite frankly a pain in the bum!

I use this term with myself affectionately as it tickles my sense of humour and helps me have a good laugh at myself.  It helps me immensely if I don’t take myself too seriously or punish myself for not being everything to everyone, all the time.

As you have probably gathered by now even though I am called a writer and have had two of my books published, I am shit at grammar.  My sons and husband often help me out with editing from time to time.  When they do, my work comes back tattooed with red pen, crosses and lines with accompanying comments like ‘this doesn’t make sense Mum’ , ‘ that is the longest sentence in the universe’ or my darling husband Mr. Delicious often gently says to me

"Now Sweetheart I am not sure of what you are trying to say here?”

I always have to check my ego when I have invited criticism as my written work is very intimate and dear to me and I am protective and defensive of it like I am my children.  So I do a quick HALT system check before I ask for editing advice to ensure I am in a heart set of love, not a mindset of fear.   For those who have read my previous blogs I mention it in ‘Fairy Christmas To You”.

In a nutshell H. stands for Hungry, A for Angry, L for Lonely and T for Tired.

I first heard about the HALT system in recovery groups around 14 years ago when I was getting clean and sober.  My apologies to whomever authored this acronym I don’t know who it was, but I think it is simple, quick to use and a brilliant, heart soothing tool.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to remember it so for me after 19 years of drug and alcohol abuse with an addled brain it was a godsend.  If I ever got really overwhelmed, anxious or fearful Beautiful Barb, my recovery Heart Mother would remind me to stop (halt), pause, be still, get out of my head and check in with my heart.  She would patiently and respectfully go through the check list with me.

“Now love, when did you last eat?” Barb would gently enquire.

After putting down a three packet a day cigarette habit as well as drugs and alcohol I was paranoid about putting on weight, but was also quite vague and forgetful.  I would lose time and not realize I hadn’t eaten.  My appetite had been suppressed and distorted for nineteen years so it took a while for me to even know what hunger felt like.

“You sound angry love; do you need me to come?” Barb would offer to drive from Samford (a 40 minute drive to the inner city of Brisbane) just to be with me.

“God no, I’m fine”. I would snap.

“Love I can hear with the tone in your voice that you are not fine.  If you are angry, be angry you have much to feel that you have never addressed.  Can you write it out if you can’t talk to me? She would remind me of how writing helped me safely unload a lot of my toxic rage in the early days.

“Yeah, I will write, thanks Barb”.

I would hang up and write pages and pages into the night and release my anger safely. The anxiety and fear that fuelled the anger would seem to miraculously evaporate.

“Are you lonely Love? Why don’t you bring the boys and come and have some dinner with us?” She would suggest.

I had separated from the boy’s father, and single parent life on a pension was challenging.  So I would pack up the boys who were then aged seven and nine and we would drive out to Samford and spend time on her beautiful property.  The boys would go and collect eggs from Barbs hen house, bake with Barb, go over into King Trev’s shed and explore.  We were all connecting with our heart family.  My loneliness would subside as I would be with Father Time and just sit and stare.  Mother Nature would caress my tired heart with her breathtaking beauty.  The huge and serene dam on Barb and Trev's property, with its floating water lilies and ducks were meditative to lose myself in.  The cows, horses and dogs, the green lush grass, grandfather trees and home style cooking dissolved my fatigued hearts loneliness.

I was single for quite a while in early recovery and missed the smell and strength of a man’s caring embrace.  Her gorgeous hubby King Trev, who was then around age 60, would always welcome me with a warm, bear hug.   I remember saying to him once after walking in their door with a bad case of the lonely’s,

“Oh Trev, it’s nice to have a strong hug, I do miss having a man to hug.” as I put my head on his shoulder tears came to my eyes.

“Knock yourself out love; they don’t come much better than me.” He chuckled cheekily.

“Ah, they sure don’t.” Barb smiled sincerely, as she wiped her hands on her apron and put on the kettle.

And the last one in the HALT system that Barb would also ensure we checked when I was upset, is tiredness.

“Why don’t you do some doona therapy love?” Barb would gently suggest.

“Well because I have got dinner to cook before the boys get home from school, washing to do and some volunteer work I said I would do today”.  I would annoyingly respond.

“Well love it sounds like you need to stop doing, because I can hear you are tired.  The boys will be happy with pizza tonight and you know it, the washing can wait and how can you truly help others if you won’t help yourself with basic self care?”

Barbs advice was always hard to argue with.  Often if I could not reach her on the phone she would let me know later, unapologetically, that she turned off her phone and was having a ‘zizz’ as she calls her snoozes.  She always ensures she doesnt let herself get over tired.  She lives this system and is no hypocrite.

It is such a simple formula and I find anytime I, or anyone I am working with, is telling me about anxiety, conflict or fear in their life it is the first place we start.  More often than not their heart plug has been kicked out of its socket so they lose their personal power.  When this happens, they like me, go into ego, or head power.   We get lost when our intellect is not connected to our intuition.  We is a gift of the hearts GPS system.

So many of us don’t know how, or are unwilling to, honour basic feelings of hunger, anger, loneliness and tiredness.  So it stands to reason if we don’t honour basic fundamentals in our relationship with ourselves; how do we stand a chance of honouring any more complex feelings?

If we don’t honour hunger, anger, loneliness and tiredness, how the hell do we cope with the bigger more complex feelings that all humans experience from time to time like grief, jealousy, shame, hope and love?  They take a lot of heart to handle well, and if your heart is disconnected, well your head won’t have a bloody clue how to help you; but your ego will convince you otherwise.

I would fight my tiredness almost every night.  I used to stay up and watch crap on TV fighting to stay awake.  Or, use excessive caffeine to keep me going and wonder why I kept running out of fuel and feeling anxious and overwhelmed.  Many people go through phases where sleep is a challenge. I had to first learn how to rest, so I didn’t become restless.  Even if my body would not sleep, I had to let it rest.  To let myself be still, quiet and peaceful  Even if it meant just laying in a hammock looking at the trees, or on a beach.  To turn my mind off, not to read or watch TV but to just be still.  This is so important otherwise we do not refuel.

If we don’t eat when we are hungry the denial of self care will eat at us and cancerously erode our self respect.  Our body requires fuel to power us with energy so we remain functional.  When we deny ourselves our natural appetite we also deprive ourselves of pleasure.  Our ability to relax, experience sensory enjoyment, feel fulfilled and nourished is diminished when we ignore hunger.  We become hypersensitive in relationship to others and over compensate in inappropriate ways looking for substitutes for pleasure, nourishment, enjoyment and fulfillment from others. Hungry people often struggle with heartfelt intimacy.

When anger arises it is an alarm that needs your constructive attention as a priority.   It is helpful to remember anger is a normal human reaction and is not wrong or bad but essential for self preservation.  It is helpful if we ask ourselves before we respond "How would a person with self respect manage this?" What are the best dance steps to take in order to be able to waltz instead of war our way through this?  If we are unsure we can then consult a positive male or female elder that models respect for themselves and others when they are experiencing anger.  So until our anger has been released responsibly it will throw us out of balance like carrying too much in our hands, we will drop something of value unless we stop (halt) and re-centre ourself.

It is a natural desire to yearn for emotional and physical connection with other human beings as we are tribal creatures.  Solitude is an important component of self care but too much time alone can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection.  If we are feeling out of touch and in need of a heartfelt connection with someone we love this must be attended to otherwise we can look for love in all the wrong places.  So asking someone safe who respects us to share some time with us is wise.

When we are tired our intellect and intuition are not operating to their optimum and as a result, our resilience on all levels is compromised. We can hit emotional overload very quickly and become unnecessarily stressed and draw our swords and prepare for a battle.   Ensuring we receive adequate rest and sleep is a basic skill in self respect.  Solid sleep helps reset brain chemistry and re-boot the heart whilst halting any destructive behaviours.  If we don’t rest, we become restless.

Baby steps in honouring my relationship with my own heart started with this HALT system, and I always go back to it if I find myself becoming Ms Bossyfussbum.  I used to blame people, places and things when my life got out of balance as I preferred to look outward than inward.  I now know that the quality of my life depends on my relationship with me.  When I am okay and at peace with me, others bother me less and if they do I can have a cry, work through it and find the lesson.  Sometimes a good belly laugh is the intuitive advice my heart gifts me with to navigate through life’s challenges.

As I sign off today I am looking at the sticker on the stapler that sits neatly next to my laptop and tape dispenser.  I am a Virgo, Year of the Tiger, neat freak.  I get so much pleasure out of visual order.

I put that sticker on my stapler as a friendly way to honour and remind myself of my own humanness. Yes I can become a Bossyfussbum if I don’t keep my hearts GPS system connected.  If I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired it is like pulling the plug from my heart.  I go from being directed with love and balance, to lost in fear and confusion.  And when I feel internally out of control, Miss Bossyfussbum goes into overdrive and tries to control everything in my external world to compensate.

To be emotionally monogamous to ourselves is in a way to honour ourselves first and foremost.  As Shakespeare so wisely says until we are true to ourselves, we cannot be to anyone else.  My marriage to my own heart is a day at a time commitment.  I do my best to love, honour and obey my truth even when my ego doesn’t like it.  For my ego fearfully commands the approval of others, my heart loves me just as I am.

These Word Vitamins of wisdom I take when Ms Bossyfussbum rolls up her sleeves to try and take over my day you are most welcome to share with me today.  Hope to catch you here tomorrow.

“He who cannot obey himself will be commanded. That is the nature of living creatures.”  Author unknown