Holding On & Letting Go

When we hold onto relationships, careers and lifestyle choices that in the past have proven emotionally destructive, we remain unable to embrace whole heartedly anything new in the present with love.  If we can't let go of fear, we can't make room for more love.  We remain stuck in a pattern of always attracting the same result. 

It's that old, Resolve it or Repeat it law.

To embrace lovingly a new relationship or lifestyle change is to pull it toward us with enthusiasm, commitment, desire and most importantly... love.  When someone gives us a one handed hug or embrace, it feels half hearted, like they are not really committed to fully being present to us, but more like they are just going through the motions and keeping up appearances.  It feels superficial and has no emotional depth.

When we fence sit with one foot in our old past fear based world and another in the new love based change we desire, we remain immobilized and suspended in an emotionally superficial, non committed state. On pause. in other words.  It is like we are in a deep pool of water and the water level remains just below our nose so we need to keep treading water consistently so that we don't drown.  It is emotionally exhausting.

I was having a heart to heart with my wise male elder "The Gentle Giant" on Friday afternoon.   My heart was grieving, feeling quite fragile and tired.  I have come to respect that grief is quite a demanding emotion to process and that it is best to ask for support when the tidal wave of grief rises.  It may rise because of an anniversary of another's death, divorce, birthday or family event like Christmas where the old relationship is remembered. 

So when I feel grief rising these days, I have learned how to surrender my ego enough and can now ask for help.  If human help is available via my wise elders which are always my first port of call Beautiful Barb (my heart mother) or The Gentle Giant, I ensure I speak with or meet them in person.  If they are unavailable I then call on Mother Nature and Father Time for support.  I meditate and pray to them, usually that involves dropping to the floor and having a good cry to release the grief.  I then lay somewhere that I can see the sky, like on the day bed on my deck, or go for a walk, or sit on my front steps in the sun with a quiet cup of tea and my darling colourful pots of flowers, and soak in Mother Nature's beauty.  I have learned to now surrender and work with Father Time not against him.  I don't run away from the grief, but sit with it, as I would sit with my sons, husband or any loved one who was processing grief.  I would ensure I was physically and emotionally there for them.

I found myself asking The Gentle Giant through my tears last Friday,

"But can't I have both, do I have to choose?"

I have been slowly surrendering my rescuer, or helpaholic relationship habits over the past fourteen years and am pleased to say that within 98% of my relationships these days it no longer exists. 

However ...  it is that last 2% that can still bring me to my knees.  You see,  I decided at a very young age that it was my responsibility to emotionally support another person instead of myself,  for they were in as much trauma and as lost as I was.  I however had the fairies, Mother Nature and Father Time to parent and support me as a little girl.  They took care of me when safe people were hard to find,  and helped me find peace when my surroundings got violent and scary.  This other person however seemed to rely on me to support them.  So I decided in my wisdom at around four years of age, that I  would commit to emotionally supporting them.   My little maternal spirit that really should have been directed to my dollies in prams in childhood years, was directed to look after another traumatized heart.  Nobody asked me to do this, I just decided they needed help and it was my job to provide that help.

The guilt and fear I have felt in letting go of this old habit and co-dependent relationship has lessened over the years.  I have gone from embracing them fully and leaving myself uncared for and emotionally malnourished ... to letting go of them with one hand, and trying to care for my own heart more responsibly.  But if they complained or shamed me for not continuing to meet their needs, I would let go of me and go back to them.  My recovery would then go backwards and without the aid of drugs and alcohol to sedate me, the pain of my own self abandonment became too acute.  So I tried for a short period of time a new balancing act holding onto myself with love with one hand, and holding onto them with the other hand in fear that they would shame me more if I didn't continue.

So when I asked The Gentle Giant the question about having to choose, he so simply said to me ...

"Cynthia, it is important to not focus on the fear based relationship you are letting go of, but to focus on what you will now be able to fully embrace with both hands with love ..... your relationship with you.... the time has come Cynthia.  It never was your responsibility to take care of this other person and fix their life and wear all of their pain and unhappiness.  They were irresponsible for expecting you too."

As I cried he kept gently saying to me over and over "They are not your responsibility, they never were."

I have felt so overly responsible for anyone close to me being unhappy or unfulfilled all my life.  I always concluded it was because I simply was not good enough to fix it for them.  In some way I believed (and they confirmed it by blaming me) that their unhappiness was due to me being lacking in some shape or form.  I used to innately believe I was a flawed human being, someone to be tolerated who really was quite a burden to have to put up with.

So just remembering this gentle wisdom about enjoying what I have to hold onto helped wash away a great deal of grief for me.  So I wanted to share it with you too, for many people who are working on letting go of their pasts so they can enjoy the present moments in their day, and build more abundant futures often ask me

"What do I let go of and what do I hold on to?

The answer is simple but not easy.  We let go of fear so we can hold onto love.  I took this message with me when I went to the Drug and Alcohol detox unit to run my group at The Royal Brisbane Hospital yesterday.  I have been running "Emotional Fitness" groups for their inpatients for the past ten years.  It is a great privilege to offer hope and respect to those who are quite malnourished when it comes to having hope that they can heal from their addictions and past traumas and respect themselves again.  My wise elders have been generous hope masseuses for me over the past fourteen years, respecting me when I felt undeserving.  So it is a privilige to pass it on.

So if you are in the midst of letting go of an old fear based situation I offer these wise words of support to you also.  If we hold onto love, and let go of fear we can build abundant and beautiful lives for ourselves.  But if like me at times you feel that if you let go of your fear supports, you might fall over ... it is important to remember to ask for help.  It is our birthright to give and receive constructive support from each other and to live a life full of love and light.

Please keep your comments coming, I love hearing from you all and your comments domino in offering support to others, so thank you.

The Word Vitamins I will leave you with for today are from the Greek Philosopher Plato and help us remember it is our choice alone whether we live a life of tragedy and fear or triumphant love!  What we focus on in and feed with attention in our lives is what grows strongest.

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light."