Criticising Critical People

“You’re such a nasty person, you have to say such nasty things” she accusingly spat her words down the phone at her daughter.

“You can’t just be nice can you? If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” her mother demanded.

Tara is a young woman I have been working with who was recounting her last conversation with her birth mother.  She was always devastated after any interaction with her.  She looked at me through tear filled eyes for some clarity in her confusion.

“But I have been silent all of my life, keeping up appearances, keeping family secrets, pretending … and I just can’t sit there anymore and play along with the charade.  This Christmas was hell for me, I just wanted to scream at them all to wake up” she pulled pieces off of the tissue in her hands in frustration.

Her story I have heard too many times before.  Some nasty things had happened in the childhood of this young woman.  To heal she needs to uncover, discover and then she will be ready to fully recover herself respect.   Tara also, like many, needed to speak up and out in order to save her sanity. She was in the first phase of her journey.  She needed to uncover her truth.  Her heart needed to breathe and disguard the heavy secrets that were smothering her.

It is natural to want to go back to the biological family to look for support when we are venturing into new emotional territory in life.  But for those who were traumatized within the family unit, this is a complex path.  “Coming Out” for survivors of trauma and abuse within the biological family can have similar outcomes for those I also work with who face emotional traumatisation when  “Coming Out” claiming their sexuality as lesbian, gay or transgender in a strictly heterosexual family.

1. The best and most desired outcome is that the child will be absolutely supported when they disclose, not questioned critically with disbelief.   It is hoped that any questions asked are respectful and loving.  In an ideal world, the child then does not lose their place in the family unit, and future family life involves supporting their journey.  Unfortunately this most desired outcome, is rare.
2. The second scenario is that the child is interrogated, not supported, put at arm’s length and labeled “the problem child” or the family scapegoat.  Other children then often move into the role of hero children.   Sometimes the child attempting to honour their truth are still allowed to enter the family unit, but have to leave their truth at the door, when they do.  If they dare try to be open about their feelings on their issues they will be called names, and lines like “After everything we have done for you, this is how you re-pay us” or “You are killing your mother/father, you have wrecked our lives”.  These words come from parents who don’t know unconditional love.  They see parenting as a trade and credit and debit system, and feel owed.  They do not see that their children are a privilege and a gift.
3. An all too common outcome is that the child who has chosen honour their truth needs to disconnect from their familiy for at least a litlle while, in order to maintain their self respect and sanity.  Removing themselves from the consistent criticism, name calling and the pain of being disrespected and shamed is the only healthy, adult thing to do.   It's tough.

There are of course many more outcomes, but these tend to be the most common three in my experience.

Tara finds that her mother gangs up on her with her other siblings and at this Christmas gathering they all took turns in putting Tara down and assassinating her character and success. 

Recently Tara had spoken up as a young actress who has some celebrity standing at a charity event supporting abused children.  The newspapers were there and asked Tara to comment on why this cause meant so much to her.  For the first time Tara disclosed some of her story to the press. 

Her siblings call her a liar and say it never happened.  Her mother sees it as a betrayal and is more worried about what others think of her than the horror that Tara has lived with.  They all say she exaggerates the healthy discipline in their home calling it domestic violence.  And how come Grandpa only abused Tara, he was a lovely man, she is just plain nasty, is their plea.

“Maybe I am just a drama Queen Cynthia, maybe I am just absolutely fucked up and a psychopathic liar”.  I would prefer to be those things if it meant my family didn’t hate me”.  She was sobbing uncontrollably now hardly able to get the words past the huge lump in her throat.

“Years of broken bones, bruises, and violent outbursts are called domestic violence Tara”.  I sat next to her and put my arm around her narrow shoulders.

I told her the story Beautiful Barb (my heart mother) had told me years ago about the Indian man with the five sons and the elephant.  It always helps me when someone I am speaking with is dealing with finally having the courage to speak their truth and having someone they love calling them a liar.

The brief version of Barb’s fable goes something like this:

A father has five sons who always argue about everything.  They all see life differently and often accuse each other of lying when their views don’t match.  He took his sons blindfolded into the jungle.  None of them had ever seen an elephant before.  One he directed to touch the tail, the others the foot, the ears, the trunk and the last child he picked up and put on the elephants back.  They all remained blindfolded and were asked to feel with their hands their section of the elephant and say nothing to each other.  All five sons did as they were asked very excited to feel an elephant for the first time.

Their blindfolds were removed once they returned home and each child had to sit in silence and listen to the others experience of the elephant.  One claimed an elephant was long and skinny like rope, another that is was like a tree trunk, the other said it was flat and hard like the earth, the one who had the ear said it was fine and soft like paper.  Of course arguments broke out, and their very passionate and heated views as each child claimed they were right.  And they were.  Their view or perception of the elephant was true for them, but only for them.  They were right and so were all their brothers.

The Father explained that just because someone has a different experience of the same situation it does not mean that one of you is lying or wrong.

It seemed Tara was the only child her grandfather sexualized amongst her siblings even though he babysat them all.  Her siblings only had lovely memories of their Granddad, but Tara had only nightmares and shame.  Tara’s siblings and her mother whether we like it or not are all entitled to their view.

Unfortunately for Tara her mother does not have the emotional wisdom that the Indian Father had.  He knew how to speak fluent language of the heart to his sons.  He ensured that he never enabled any of his children to gang up on the others.  For without his leadership the family would have fractured with such strong personalities.

“Tara when a mother calls a child names, and criticizes consistently this is hurtful and emotionally immature for a grown woman and mother”.  You could even call your mother calling you nasty, a nasty act in itself.”  I stroked her back and pulled the moist hair off of her face and tucked it behind her ear.

“However the challenge for us as women Tara, who choose to be strong and loving matriarchs as we age, is to not regress back into immature name calling girls ourselves.  We choose to break the cycle and mature by learning the language of the heart for our children.  We cannot do this if we become the very thing that has hurt us.”  I explained.

“Us sitting here calling your mother nasty just keeps the cycle turning.  We criticize her for criticizing you.  This is just copying the behaviour she models.  She is entitled to her perspective and her behaviours as are your siblings... as are you.”  Tara nodded, sitting up straighter.

“Some people choose to not change.  They choose to give their power away believing that everything in their lives that has gone wrong is because of someone else.  Blame and shame just keep people stuck.  The emotionally illiterate live this way.  This is not you anymore Tara.” I smiled at her, and her eyes gently replied.

“No its not, God I don’t want end up like my mother, taking sides and alienating my children if I ever have any, this behaviour stops with me.” She stated with conviction.

One of the hardest things for Tara in her recovery is to give herself permission to have as much space as she needs for as long as she needs whilst she builds up her emotional fitness and heart strength.  She will always long for her mother’s love and support, but it may not be an available option for her right now and maybe even in her lifetime. 

Some are blessed with biological families that are also heart family.  For others finding independent heart family outside of the biological unit is safest.    We can only learn how to master the art of emotional monogamy (being true to ourselves first and foremost) from Elders who are strong and wise enough to show us how to put love before ego and fear.  With these Elders even if they are not biologically related, they can show us through example what a heart connection is.  Only Elders, who treat youth with respect, are truly deserving of their respect.  Respect cannot be demanded, it needs to be earned. 

As Tara stood to leave peace had returned to her face and she gave me a smile. 

"So this is how we trudge the path to happy destiny?" she joked.  I smiled and gave her a hug, and thanked her for the privileged of her trust.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for those who judge us, criticize us and call us names is to leave them be, and ask they do the same for us.  It’s the whole live and let live approach.  It is very hard with biological family as the umbilical pull is strong, but Tara is strong.  She has already survived a horrific childhood and will most definitely be able to heal if she gives herself time, space and seeks loving support to do so.

To agree without becoming disagreeable were words within one of President Obama’s recent speeches which I thought were great Word Vitamins in themselves.  What a huge task.  To remain true to yourself and not lower your self respect and criticize those who criticize you. 

I am in no danger of becoming a saint and mastering this just yet.  I am definitely a work in progress.  These are the words vitamins I prescribed for Tara to sooth her sad heart with every time she beats herself up with the thought that she is a bad person for speaking her truth.

“We must become the change we wish to see in the world” Gandhi

Love Cynthia

© Copyright 2010 Cynthia J. Morton

Emotional Fitness™ Emotional Monogamy™

(All names in all blogs are changed to protect confidentiality)