Recovering from Recovery

Some days I still soooo crave something to take 'the edge off' of how I am feeling.  And yesterday was one of those days.  I just felt drained and overwhelmed.  I have even cut back on caffeine lately as I am in the midst of menopause and caffeine just makes me feel even more irritable.  So I swigged water all day and just kept taking deep breaths.

My anxiety was high, partly because of menopausal hot flushes and partly due to the combined state of excitement and self doubt.  I had just written an email to an amazing high profile Australian woman hoping she might agree to write the forward for my next book.  She had said yes a few years back when I asked her, but since then I had put the project on hold.  Clicking 'send' on the email yesterday set the wheels in motion.  Phew!

I also notified many of my readers, clients and colleagues about my blog.  It has been said that writing is like sending coded messages into outer space, you never really know if someone is actually out there receiving it, or if they even give a damn.  I would soon find out now.

By late afternoon my bum was numb.  I had been sitting writing for seven solid hours, and needed to move.  I went out to collect the mail only to be greeted by another speeding fine.   I so hoped my husband had been driving my car on that day so the points came off of his license, as I didn't have them to spare.  But nope, it was me.  Three points that I haven't got!   My little back V Dub also doubles at the Bat Mobile when I am in a hurry.  When I take Black Betty's soft top down she almost flies.  I have post it notes on my rear vision mirror reminding me not to speed. Shit, shit, shit!  I was so cranky with myself I just wanted to cry.

Then the huge envelope still in my hand along with all of the other mail, caught my eye.  'What's this?' I wondered.  Too big to be another speeding fine, thank God, it looked like magazines.  As I flipped the envelope over I saw it was from the Editor of Better Health Magazine (www.betterhealthmag.com).  It was a copy of an article I had written for her quite a while ago, that I had almost forgotten about.  She had also included a beautiful book on clouds.  I had written a few pieces for her over the past year.  One of my favourites was called "Cloud Juice" and so she had included this lovely book as a gift.

I thought I would share with you today a few random paragraphs from the piece I wrote for her early in 2009, that was titled "Recovering from Recovery. 

Recovering from Recovery is the new black!  After 13 years of gradually exposing my far from perfect naked emotional body to my darling and patient therapist, past husbands, sons, sponsor, audiences, readers and anyone placed across from me at a dinner party, I have decided to finally drop the feather boa and let it all hang out!!

My life had swung full circle from being an emotionally illiterate, broken, single mum on a pension in 1995 struggling daily to not pick up a drink, drug or drama, to the privileged state it is today.  As a proud and true recovering pink champagne and tequila guzzling, drug sneaking, chain smoking, drama seeking, fearlessly flirtatious, chocolate gutsing, fanatically fashionable, breast flashing, table dancing addict! I have attended thousands of recovery groups in countless different places like  New York  City , Hawaii, the Austrlalian outback and most of its capital cities over the past 13 years.  One day at a time living clean, sober and I have learned a few wonderful skills... that include unashamedly embracing my insanity and my brave and quirky heart, not to mention learning to love the hail damage (cellulite), grey hairs, diminish nagging my un-ironed shirted sons.  I have had to  face the fact that I was an emotional virgin, and become truly grateful for my 46 amazing years of life.  Remember that no matter how old you are or how dysfunctional you have been you don't have the monopoly on flupping up in life 'cause we all do.

The article was written with a lighthearted focus on the recovery process.  I have found over the years that for some people who are recovering from addictions or trauma, they can become addicted to, or obsessed with, groups and the opinions of others and lose their independence, and individuality along the way.  Recovering from a militant fear based style recovery approach is sometimes also necessary for some people during this vulnerable new phase in their lives.  Recovery like any spiritual journey can either be experienced through love or fear.  For those who stumble into the militant born again, "us and them" approach to recovery, life can become more isolated, fear and guilt ridden than the life they were living before they tried to improve themselves.  In my view the whole reason for a change in lifestyle is to recover our birthright to be who we are unapologetically.  Recovery in my experience is the journey out of a fear based life into a love filled abundant life.  This journey I have found, gifts the individual with a broader and more meaningful life, the ability to build quality, loving relationships and to be able to stand up and speak up for themselves. 

After seeing this article I wrote quite some time ago now and almost forgotten about in print for the first time bought a smile to my face and helped me forget about my numb bum.  What perfect timing receiving this was for me.  A massage of hope for my anxious heart.  For any writer, holding published written work is such a private and sacred joy.  This was a silent massage of hope as my eyes feasted on the great colours on the magazine's cover, and the wonderful images within it.  What I was craving was encouragement and validation yesterday.  Mother Nature and Father Time delivered just that,  just when I needed it, in the mail addressed to me.

So this morning I awoke with a lighter heart and could not wait to get to my desk and connect with you.  One thing I do know is when I honour my heart and my feelings by not masking them with weapons of mass distraction (drugs, alcohol, excessive sugar and caffeine, spending, drama etc.) my life gets better.  My hope grows along with my self respect.

I decided also this morning that I will give it a week to see if the woman I have asked to write my new books forward gets back to me.  If not, I do have her postal address.  I will try snail mail incase the old email address I have is one she no longer checks, as it has not bounced back to me as yet.

Thank you also to all of those people who have already subscribed to my blog on its first day at school, on the humungous, World Wide Web.  If you haven't already and would like to, please go to the home page and click on subscribe.  This will automatically send all new blogs to your inbox once a week.

Also, I welcome your comments, so please feel free to let me know what is going on in your world and forward suggestions or questions and I will do my utmost to respond either within a future blog or to you personally.

When I am honest with myself and how I feel and don't hide in emotional escapism, I can receive the little messengers of hope that I believe are sent to help my heart if it tires.  It might be through a song, sunset, cloud formation, butterfly, Willy Wag tail, spoken word, or a message in the mail, like yesterday's mail delivery.  If I am patient and remember to look for the good in a cloudy and gloomy day I will always find it, the sun does eventually come out again.

Self doubt has been a huge challenge for me throughout my recovery.  It still haunts me sometimes, and I know it visits many other people who are also doing their utmost to live life clean, sober and sanely one day at a time.  The most productive thing for me to do when I experience self doubt is to be honest about it.  To confess it to myself, see it for what it is, have compassion for myself not shame.  It makes us human to experience self doubt.  So my Word Vitamins for today, that you as always are welcome to share with me, were penned by the wonderful wordsmith Thomas Jefferson.

"Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."