Self Sabotage to Self Support

If you identify with being a high stimulus personality yourself, like me, or have a relationship with someone who always seems to be looking for more, you might find this blog of interest.

I have come to realize that as a recovering addict now almost 15 years clean and sober my high stimulus personality is still alive and well these days, but it is an asset not a liability anymore.  Addiction is often called the disease of more and I think it can be misleading sometimes to expect that once the addict chooses recovery, that the desire to explore and look beyond life's horizons and choose to still colour outside of the lines that society provides us with, will disappear. 

It doesn't. 

What does happen though is that we learn to find our emotional centre of gravity and constructive ways to self sooth.  We gradually learn how to pick ourselves up when life knocks us over, without relying on destructive self sabotaging habits from our past, where we pick up a weapon of mass distraction so we can escape our feelings.  We are able to come home to how we feel, sort through the emotional baggage of our past, then move on, rather than hiding it, in the hope that the growing lump of emotional baggage under the carpets of our hearts doesn't trip us up at an inconvenient time.

It seems to me that it is a basic human instinct to desire growth and new challenges, like a plant is programmed to grow toward the light.  If you watch an infant they are always looking to move to the next level of growth so they can become more self supporting and independent.  From lying on a rug, to rolling over, crawling, holding onto tables, walking then running the instinctively keep looking to learn more.  I had the idea in my mind from somewhere that once you left school and reached adult hood, there was not a hell of a lot to keep learning about.  I also stunted my instinctive emotional maturation processes by remaining on pause for 19 years misusing drugs and alcohol.

Because I had more experience in living with fear and emotional malnourishment, it was almost like my basic human instinct to grow and learn, was put in reverse gear.  Those who experience loving support and emotional nourishment move forward in life and continue to grow and learn.  However for some of us, if this was not an available option for us handed down from our tribal elders, instead of going forwards in life, we go backwards.   Instead of enjoyment in living life increasing with age for some it simply decreases with age.  Life becomes more about surviving and enduring.  Whenever an opportunity to grow presents itself, we see it as a punishment, and the more life lessons presented we encounter, the more pissed off we get at whomever we perceive is dishing out the emotional homework.  For some of us we will perceive this force to be God, our parents, our children, our past, lovers, siblings, spouses or society in general.

The only way to become fully emotionally self supporting in life is to be able to build emotional strength when a challenge arises.  We have all heard the saying that sails rise against the wind, not with it.  If you don't have an emotional tool kit to support you when an opportunity for growth and maturity presents itself, you will back away and retreat from life. 

I find it interesting that the word live when spelled backwards is evil.  We either move forward with love or backward in fear, and if we go backwards into fear life can at times feel quite evil and cruel.

So once an addict learns how to move out of emotional reverse, self sabotaging reactions can be replaced with self supporting choices.  I have found it frustrating being me at times for I continue to  move the bar higher and higher for myself once I have in my heart mastered using a new emotional tool.  I have said to my therapist at times, "Why can't I just be satisfied working in a shoe shop, is this my disease of more in action that I keep setting myself new and harder challenges, what is wrong with me?"

I now understand that having gone without emotional nourishment for so very long in my life; I have a real passion to taste the full smorgasbord of what life has to offer as I age.  I am an emotional explorer who loves to go trekking into the deep jungles of my own inner heart.  I also jump at the chance when another just starting out on this journey invites me to be their emotional caddy and support them as they trek the unknown parts of their own heart.  It is a sacred privilege supporting others as they discover how wonderful life can be when you know how to access your own hearts power and marry that with the right emotional tool for the job.  It's exhilarating and better than any chemical high on the planet.

I remember also complaining many times with utter exasperation to Beautiful Barb who has been my emotional caddy for the past 15 years whenever a new opportunity for growth presented itself, "I feel like I am back at the beginning Barb and don't know anything, why don't I know how to do this, have I learned nothing?"

She would respond calmly pulling out one of her stories from her caddy's bag to help me embrace the opportunity to become more emotionally self supporting, rather than run from it and sabotage the abundant gifts life was trying to give me.

"Love if you can imagine you are an apprentice carpenter who knows nothing about how to build things.  You start out with simple tasks.  Now Mother Nature and Father Time know you are new at emotional maturity, like the apprentice carpenter, so you won't be asked to build a mahogany spiral staircase for your first project.  You will be given a hammer, some nails and a few pieces of wood and be asked to build a box.  It might take you a few attempts, but if you don't give up, you will learn how to build an impeccable box.  After making ten or so boxes, you will become bored, and look for a new task.  So you will then be given, when Father Time decides you are ready a brand new tool that you won't know how to master and some different pieces of wood and be asked to make a chair.  Now you will need to go back to basics, which does mean going back to the beginning, but not as a punishment because you know nothing, because that is the wisest place to start.   You then use what you have learned whilst mastering the box, and allow yourself to experiment, get it wrong and keep trying.  Once you have mastered the chair this process will continue throughout your life.  New tools you don't know how to use, and new types of wood will keep showing up in your life.  You will eventually get to the stage where the mahogany staircase is easy for you to make and you will be tapping your fingers looking forward to the next exciting project.  Knowing that not knowing in the beginning is normal for us all as we continue to mature is what you need to remember now.  So let's have a look at what would be the best tool for this job and get on with it, what do you say?"

I find these days that I look for new projects to work on as I love to learn.  Learning itself has become a labour of love.   I used to run from learning afraid that others would find out how little I really knew about myself and life.  Now living life in reverse loving the things I used to fear means I can now enjoy the things I used to think were too good for a person like me.

I don't require any more of the things that really matter to be happy in my life like love, joy, health, beauty, hope and time; I am blessed to have become very wealthy in all of these.  My darling husband Mr. Delicious and my divine sons fill my heart with love, joy and beauty every day just looking at their photos around my desk as I type these words to you makes my heart smile.  I am blessed to be in great health at the ripe old age of almost 48, and my clients I am privileged to work with mirror sacred hope with me each time they invite me to be their caddy.  I work for myself these days so I am the boss of my own time which is a wonderful gift and even though I am a tough boss and set myself challenges each day, I am also generous with time off for my heart to recharge as it needs to.

Instead of living with an active disease of more that is fear driven sabotaging my sense of wellbeing I now have a calling.   My passion and heartfelt desire to keep growing, pruning and cutting back where necessary the jungle in my own heart is how this calling has manifested in my life.  I now choose to continue exploring my potential for I have a lot of catching up to do, as I spent so many years in hiding retreating deeper into my fear.

When you delete the fear from a high stimulus, obsessive compulsive personality's life, you are left with a sensitive, passionately disciplined, loving and respectful human being.  When I have deleted all the fear from my life, and become this type of person entirely, I will let you know for I am still very much a work in progress.  But I can report that with each passing month and year these constructive personality characteristic within me gradually replace the fear driven self sabotaging person I once was.

So the good news is, the best is yet to come for those with Masters Degrees in Self Sabotage like me.  If you put the same amount of energy and commitment into moving forwards in life ....you will blow your own mind, I promise. 

Shit makes great fertilizer, if you have been shitting on your own life and had others also dump on you; you can recycle this manure and grow not just one divine rose bush within your hearts wild jungles, but acres of beauty for yourself within yourself, to share with those you decide are deserving.

When we have bought the belief that we are not worthy and deserve only punishment, we try to remain true to whomever we respected enough that sold us this lie, and honour their view of us.  So if any form of reward comes our way, we will as an act of integrity and honour take it from ourselves.  When fear is used to program the emotionally naïve self sabotage is the resulting knee jerk behaviour.  When love is used to delete this program all the things our heart has dreamed of no longer become out of our reach.  How bloody exciting is that?

I will leave you with this simple one liner of Word Vitamins today from Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby and look forward to meeting you here again when you next have time.  For those of you interested in the Emotional Fitness Master Classes feel free to now download the PDF on the home page under Events.

I also want to quickly say that I had a wonderful day yesterday speaking at the 10X Super Club at the Marriott on the Gold Coast, so thank you to Ryll, Craig, Nic, Rob, Michael and Shane for the privilege.   If you were one of the attendees there, I would like to thank you sincerely from my heart for the wonderful handwritten feedback notes you gave me.  My youngest son read them to me as we drove back to Brisbane and it was so lovely to see him smile at me with genuine pride at me.  I was once a mother whom caused him great angst, so thank you for your generous and loving words of appreciation they provided a lovely unforgettable bonding moment for us both.

Also please keep your comments coming in the box provided as I really appreciate hearing from you all.

"Self Sabotage is when we say we want something then go about making sure it doesn't happen."