When Punishment Becomes The Reward

I identify with this blogs title, even though it might sound like absolute madness.   For those who have never comforted themselves through punishment, these words may offer you an insight into others.   Some of us, from time to time, emotionally self sabotage in order to put the brakes on success, love and progress.  It helps us feel calmer and safer.

When we feel we have been an emotional burden for most of our life to others, not good at much, and don't deserve good stuff, when good stuff comes our way it makes us feel unsafe.  When one has no tolerance for heartfelt love, unconditional support and humanitarian compassion, these things are foreign.  We have no mechanism nor experience in receiving them.  We dont know what to do with them, so we reject them.  When someone is nice to us, our alarms for self protection go on.  And we ask ourselves,

"What do they want, what emotional bill are they going to present me with, what will this cost me?"

Those who identify with seeking punishment or self deprivation,   find that removing abundance from their lives helps them feel they are back in control and that all is as it should be.  These people have usually been exposed to a great deal of shame and blame in their formative years.

These people are often described as an emotional drain to be around.  The contributing characteristics of a person who uses punishment as a comforter is generally, a real challenge to have a relationship with.  Their incessant need to either shame or blame other people or themselves for anything that goes wrong in their lives or their world keeps others at a safe distance.

Let's just explore a little how shame and blame work and why they cause so much emotional damage.

Shame is fed by the belief that the person in question is flawed, wrong and deserves to be punished.  It is more about humiliation and disgrace and is a fear fuelled mindset.  To shame is to ostracize and shun another human being from love and humanitarian compassion.

The habit of shame is about focusing on what the person should have done rather than the fact that they have made a human error or did not have the emotionally literacy skills to draw on to make a better informed choice.  Shame feeds on minding other people's business.

Smear campaigns designed on the self appointed superior party standing self righteously over the accused and pointing the finger of blames makes everyone uncomfortable.

The benchmark of what is normal, acceptable and appropriate by family members, social groups, colleagues or society in general, can be hard for anyone human being to consistently meet throughout the changing seasons of life.

When we have been told that we should be ashamed of ourselves, the person pointing the finger of blame is more interested in punishment and separation, than the life lessons that could be learned. 

The most damaging person I have experienced pointing the finger of blame at me in my lifetime, has been me.

We all make mistakes and errors in judgment and it is appropriate to feel genuine remorse which is a healthy reaction if we let ourselves or loved ones down.  Shame however, is about punishment, emotional alienation and is fear based.

Remorse on the other hand is the emotionally literate or healthier way to deal with mistakes, and is about compassion, emotional growth through lessons learned, making amends, and is a love based approach.

Shame focuses on character assassination of the person and is about public humiliation and disgrace. 

Remorse focuses on behavioural changes that need to be implemented and is about private emotional rehabilitation, forgiveness and compassion.

So those people, and I have been one of them on more occasions than I care to admit, who are emotionally invested in playing the shame and blame game can play one of two roles. 

The first role they can choose is to become The Black Hooded Executioner who stands above the accused with the axe poised to strike off the head of the condemned. 

Or the alternative position available in this game is the role of the condemned, The Chopping Block Volunteer.  These people, and I know both roles intimately, feel most comfortable putting their head on the chopping block anytime, anything goes wrong.  The condemned automatically assumes they must be to blame somehow if others are upset.

Those who don the hood of The Black Hooded Executioner lose their emotional peripheral vision.  We become disconnected from the bigger picture of life and what it means to be human.  Narrow minded and emotionally tunnel visioned, the hooded person playing this role becomes consumed with the blood thirsty mission to put someone... anyone's head on that block so they can drop the axe with full force.  It can be an innocent bystander in a shopping queue, traffic or anyone who has the audacity to be happy and loving in their midst.  For The Black Hooded Executioner, somehow it provides a relief of inner pressure almost, once they have The Condemned in their sights.  It seems, from my perspective, that often the executioner is so full of shame, self loathing, silent disgust and blame towards themselves on a private level  that they need to unload it in order to ease their own emotional internal pressure.  They are the explosive personalities we find draining to be around.  Other titles given to those playing the role of The Black Hooded Executioner in life are The Perpetrator or The Bully.

Here is a quick checklist to help you identify the emotionally illiterate and fear fuelled state of The Black Hooded Executioner within yourself or another.

1. Taking actions to deliberately upset another in order to give you an opportunity to unload your unmanageable and explosive feelings of frustration and anger.

2. The habit of scouring others for fault in order to avoid emotional closeness, or self sabotaging any opportunity of feeling any emotion that might involve vulnerability.

3. Preferring to be the aggressor in all situations.

4. Favouring relationships with emotional unavailable and disconnected people, who drink, drug, over work, over eat, over spend, obsessively exercise, chase sex insatiably, or deprive themselves of food, funds, health or quality intimate relationships.

5. A love of fear, and a fear of love

6. A sense of superiority and a belief that it is your right to be judge, jury and executioner of anyone who inconveniences or dares to challenge you.

7. A sense of emotional safety derived from not caring or connecting with others on any level other than physical (sex) or intellectual (career, study, political or social causes)

The Chopping Block Volunteer as I have mentioned is also required for the shame and blame game to take place.  This role enables the volunteer to feel useful within a crises.  So as a result these people are drawn to chaotic situations and personalities that thrive on drama, or they will create drama within their own life in order to feel more familiarity and comfort within their environment.  The Chopping Block Volunteer drops to their knees willingly and move the hair from the back of their neck so that the axe falls more efficiently.  These people also identify with other titles such as "The Flawed One, The Black Sheep, The Victim or The Scapegoat.

Emotional self harm is a byproduct of The Chopping Block Volunteers choices if they have no perpetrator to inflict punishment on them.  Those who witness others or who may participate in the game from this angle themselves, can be found cutting, burning, excessively tattooing, mutilating themselves or their hair, over eating, starving and obsessively piercing themselves.  It is a form of self soothing.  Punishment has become their reward system.  It helps them make sense of the world and those who choose this emotional state because they don't have any other emotional skills, feel safest being unsafe.  Physical pain is a great distraction when they feel emotionally overwhelmed.   Also,  if they stay in a consistent state of emotional deprivation, they owe nobody anything.  They have nothing to take and nothing to give and therefore feel safer that way.

The sense of relief and a mechanism for emotional pain management is the reward for The Chopping Block Volunteer in self harm.  Cutting one's self for example is often not about a suicide attempt and more about efficient pain management.  It helps relieve internal emotional pressure and relases the toxic inner emotional sewerage that has built up.  Often Chopping Block Volunteers have a childhood habit of being overly responsible and blame themselves for the whole family's problems.  So as the child grows into an adult it is almost as if the volunteer receives validation, recognition and relief from being punished and persecuted.  It becomes their role in the family unit,  to take the heat and blame for anything that goes wrong. 

I identified for many years throughout my 19 years as an active addict with this role.  I was happier being unhappy as I did not have the skills to cope with the emotional sunshine an empowered love filled life brings back then.

The Chopping Block Volunteer is not familiar with the experience of being treated as an equal and therefore does not innately know how to successfully partner in relationships.  They blame themselves for consistently not measuring up, being unsuccessful at removing other peoples pain, no matter how much abuse they endure to take the heat of off their loves ones.  They never feel good enough.

This quick checklist will help you identify the emotionally illiterate state of The Chopping Block Volunteer within yourself or another.

1. Does it feel wrong or uncomfortable when another compliments you, almost like disinfectant on a wound?

2. Do you self inflict emotional pain on yourself by looking for rejection, for example only finding potential partners attractive if they don't want you?

3. Preferring to be submissive in social situations and identifying with a sense of inferiority to others

4. Harm, deprive self or encouraged another to hit you and hurt you, even hitting others in order to provoke an attack?

5. A love of fear and a fear of love?

6. Feeling pain provides you with a feeling of sedation and relief?

7. Do you have a history of being the scapegoat or black sheep in your biological family or with past caregivers?

The good news is that if you have identified with either or both of these behaviours that you can leave this dysfunctional world behind you.  I too for the first 33 years of my life played the shame and blame game every day of my life to some extent.

I mentioned earlier that the most emotionally damaging person I have ever encountered in my life has been me.  This is true.  But the reverse is also true.  The most loving and healing person I have encountered in my recovery has also been me.  Because I am with me 24/7 I have the most impact on my recovery process.  That is the good news.

I have had to learn much about self care over the past 14 years of life in recovery and still have much to learn.  If you need help or support with any of these issues I would encourage you to ask for help, you deserve a beautiful, love filled life, we all do.  

Emotional elders can support you in recovering from a fear fuelled life into a new and abundant love filled existence.  You can find emotional therapeutic support everywhere these days.  Ask your doctor, Google therapists or clinical support in your area, or drop me an email if you like. 

The seasons of life exist for us all.  Harsh, cold and dark Winters, Autumns of change, Summers of sunshine and Springtime's of new growth.  When I was stuck in these roles in the past it kept me stuck in only one sector of life, Winter.  Life everyday seemed harsh and a chore to endure, I was surviving, not living.  But, if we are open to asking for help, we can move through our dark, cold and fearful winters into the sunlight of growth, change and an amazing new life.

I look forward to sharing this space with you again soon; here are my Word Vitamins for today.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change"

Charles Darwin