Putting Yourself Out There

"So how is the book coming along?" My husband (Mr. Delicious) innocently asked yesterday afternoon.

"It's coming; I am writing a little each day, each blog is a part of the book." I explained with anxiety thumping in my heart, knowing I couldn't keep hibernating with this new project.

I was about to get into the shower this morning, when I turned on my heels and ran naked downstairs. I thought to myself "I probably don't even have her email address anymore so I won't be able to contact her today, well not directly anyway." The thought of finding an excuse to not go ahead with the next step toward taking my dream out of hiding this morning, was a relief. 

I have been writing blogs since December 2009 and have about 30 now ready to go in order to launch my new blog site.  I have been putting the launch off until the site is exactly how I want it.  By Friday last week, we were just about there.  I knew by Monday, today, I should have all the last minute changes done and be ready to take the next step.

I remember years ago back in 2001 when the first edition of my first book "A Helping Hand with Life" was published.  A girlfriend that had known me since I was 16 phoned me.

"I just don't get why you need to put yourself out there like this.  Why do you even want to tell absolute strangers about all your private stuff?" she asked with genuine confusion.

I was 39 then and realized she didn't get it, and she didn't get me.  I tried to explain how I needed to make sense of the world, and life and writing helped me do that.  I told her how I had never felt so useful after years of feeling useless, and how writing fired my heart. 

I had recieved hundreds of letters and emails from my readers in the first few months of the books launch, thanking me for my honesty.  My school friend and I were on different paths as women and we grew apart.  It seemed she was embarrassed  to have a friend who admitted she was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic in the press.  All I could do was agree with her right to disagree with me and wish her well.  I still bump into her from time to time and it's awkward, she can't get away from me quick enough.

Back in 2001 whilst my first book was being launched nationally, I was invited to be a guest on many television shows to promote it.  The Australian Women's Weekly and many other magazines and newspapers contacted me about my work.  It was an exciting time.

One of the highlights for me during this time, was meeting a wonderful woman who was a panelist on one of the shows I was invited to appear on.  I was asked back about four times that year to be a guest on this hit daytime chat show.   Each time I appeared with a panel of other guests, however, I was consistently, more and more impressed by this one woman.  Her intellect, compassion and insight, whenever we debated issues of emotional recovery, trauma and addiction was refreshing.  Celebrities rarely impress me, but she did.  I just really liked her.

It was after my second book Emotional Fitness was published (co-written with Sydney Psychologist, Dr. Timothy Sharp in 2004) that I contacted her again as I prepared to start work on my third book.

She had given me her private email address previously but I had rarely contacted her.  It took me a whole day to draft the email.  I was very nervous.  I wanted to ask her to consider writing the forward for my next book.  She emailed back within a day and said she would be happy to do so.  I was gob smacked.  I told her I had not started writing, so I would be hibernating for a while whilst I did, but would be back in touch once I had a few sample chapters for her to peruse.

"Well I will speak to you again when you when you come out of the cave" she said encouragingly.

It was the following month that I received a green light from Federal Government to conduct research on rolling out my Emotional Fitness Program nationally.  This was going to be a huge project that would keep me busy for over 18 months and an opportunity not to be passed up.  So I emailed her and let her know I would be putting the book on hold for a while.

I then ran into her a few years later as she was the Master of Ceremonies at a huge Awards event in Canberra.  I had won the award in previous years so I was there as a guest.  Her national media profile had grown since I appeared with her on the TV panel years before; she had become a household name in Australia but had not lost any of her natural humour and integrity.  She was a few years younger than I but I admired her greatly.  I watched her that evening wondering if I should say hi, and if she would even remember me.

"I love the frills Cynthia, how are you?" I felt a warm hand on my shoulder later that evening, and as I turned around it was her. 

The whole table of strangers I was seated with, turned to smile with surprise at her as she and I chatted.  I was wearing my favourite powder pink Parisian shirt under my sensible charcoal grey suit; it is one of my favourite outfits for formal work events.  It seemed she loved it too.

I was surprised she remembered me.  I explained my book was still on hold, she smiled and wished me all the best and seemed sincerely happy that our paths had crossed.  Wow, what a lovely woman I thought to myself once again.

The Federal Government project and other amazing work opportunities have kept rolling in as the years have passed.  However in late 2009 I made a deliberate decision to slow down all of my other work commitments for 2010, and get this next book underway as a gift for myself during my 15^th year of recovery.

I had decided that I would contact her again to see if all these years later, she still might be interested in writing the forward for my next book "Emotional Monogamy". (See blog Emotional Monogamy)

She appears alot more regularly on TV now and frequently graces the cover of national magazines. Her profile and career has gone from strength to strength over the past nine years.

Would she remember me? 

Do I even still have her private email address?

Does my writing make any sense?

Am I kidding myself?

These questions and more flooded my thoughts as I prepared to hop in the shower this morning.

So to put my mind at ease before I got into the shower, which is where I do a lot of my creative planning for the day, I jiggled downstairs (as women my age do when they move quickly) to my little office and turned on my laptop.   The shower water ran upstairs, so I hurried.   Once back in the shower I could then work out my new strategy to contact her, as I thought I probably didn't still have her private email address anymore.

The laptop windows music played.  Waiting, waiting, waiting. I finally opened up my address book.

Shit! It was there. Her private email address is still in my address book.  What now?

No escape I thought to myself as I got into the shower.  Well it has been years, she has probably got a new email by now I decided.  If it bounces back, well it's not meant to be.  My anxiety was palpable.

I took my time dressing this morning.  I washed my hair, fluffed around with a few different styles even though I will be sitting alone all day at the laptop all day it is a special day for me.  I will be contacting her one way or another and want to feel at my best.

I logged onto the blog site this morning and a few minor things weren't right.  I rang my IT guy and he said he could have them fixed in 20 minutes. Hmm ... no obstacles there, damn it looks like today's the day.

So I thought I would write a confession to dissolve my anxiety in this morning's blog to you so I don't chicken out.  This way I am answerable to myself and to you tomorrow with an update on the outcome.

The next step, once I have asked this woman if she will write the forward, is contacting publishing houses and giving them an outline of the book to see who is interested.   

Nora Profit a writer once said "The fear of rejection is worse than rejection itself."  It has also been said that the once thing all successful writers have in common is a stomach for failing.  So as a writer I know rejection lies ahead, putting off the inevitable and anticipating the rejection just makes it worse.  Enough, after I sign off today I will email her straight away.

I hope to connect with you again here tomorrow; I will let you know how the day unfolds.  Thank you for taking the time to share this space here with me today.  The Word Vitamins I am taking for myself this morning, and offer to share with you too as I take the first step in putting myself back out there, are from one of my favourite female writers of all time.

"And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more"  Erica Jong