In Dismay on Mother's Day

Sometimes in order to comfort the disturbed, one must disturb the comfortable. 

Many people spend Mother's Day emotionally uncomfortable and disturbed on a very deep level.  These people are often ashamed, feel wrong and like outsiders from the human race on family days such as this.  They are often not acknowledged nor supported, so I write my blog today, in support of those who do feel dismay about Mother's Day approaching this Sunday.

I write with love to remind you that you are not alone, nor are you rare; you are a normal and healthy sector of the human race.  I use the word disturbed within this blog in the true sense of what this word means "to be troubled" and to feel dismayed on Mother's Day for many is an accurate description of how they emotionally spend this day every year "dismay: to feel apprehensive or alarmed".

Motherly qualities that are celebrated on Mother's Day and deservedly so, are the cornerstone to a healthy and happy human race.   Qualites such as "maternal affection from the one who nurtures and protects you, the one who stays and believes in you when the rest of the world leaves and doubts you".  How wonderful, essential,  powerful and reassuring maternal love is to the human heart.

However not all of us have had the privilege of maternal love consistently throughout our lives.  For many on this day they will be remembering a Mother who is no longer with them due to a premature death, an addiction, an emotionally dehabilitating illness, geographical distance or due to abandonment.  I am sure that anyone who has lost a mother through death would feel it premature.   Somewhere deep inside we all hope and pray that maternal love with be available for us all to find comfort in throughout our entire lives.  I believe we are organically hard wired to never want our mothers to leave our lives no matter how old we or they become.

My aim is not to be morbid about acknowledging those in dismay this Mothers Day, but the opposite.  To be respectful and compassionate to those who are not wealthy in the maternal love stakes on Mother's Day.  If you are one of those fortunate ones reading this who will experience the comfort and warmth of your mother's proud smile, gentle hug and loving eyes this Sunday, please celebrate and be grateful for this priceless wealth.  And if you can, perhaps spare a thought for those hearts in dismay, grief and confusion this Sunday.

Many of my clients that I will visit on Monday in the Royal Brisbane Detox Unit will be there because they pushed themselves to the limit with their substance abuse on Mother's Day this Sunday.  I have been volunteering my time for the past decade at this hospital, and I observe every year that after Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas and New Years Eve, the unit is at its fullest.  These are family celebration times, and we know from statistics in the Royal Brisbane Hospital's Detox Unit which is one of the largest in the southern hemisphere, that in excess of 70% of the inpatients, that arrive battered and close to death, due to their self harm through substance abuse ...  have been victims of childhood abuse and trauma.  The most common heart wound I have heard over the years within this unit and from workshops I run in jails, other rehabs and in the community at large, is the maternal wound.  Something happened to mother and damanged or withdrew her ability to emotionally be present to love , nurutre and protect them.

Those who have been born into families where the mother is self medicating due to her own past traumas with drugs, pills, alcohol, workaholism, eating disorders, relationship and sex addictions are parented by a mother whose maternal radar goes onto mute.

I speak from experience as I was one of those mothers who had her maternal radar muted for a few years.  If you are reading my blog for the first time, I have been clean and sober since October 12, 1995.  But for 19 years I abused drugs and alcohol.  My sons were aged 7 and 9 when I got into recovery.  Today they are beautiful young men aged 21 and 23 who have invited me over to their bachelor pad where they live together as budding musicians to cook me a Mother's Day dinner this year. 

I like many who will fill detox units in this country on Monday morning, lived with sexual abuse and trauma as a little girl.  I longed for the mother in the sky to come and save me.  I would lie on the grass in my back yard looking up at the sky as my little body throbbed in pain and feel a soft pink maternal love fill my tired body with peace.  She was always there for me, this gentle woman, her feminine strength  I could plug into when I felt lost and afraid.

Mother Nature and Father Time parented me until I could find my heart mother Beautiful Barb when I was 33, whom I met at 10 days clean and sober.  Almost 15 years later Barb and her divine mum Mary, who is around 80, have modeled for me how maternal love works. They welcomed me and my boys into their tribe like the matriarchs in a tribe of elephants do.  They gathered around and took care of the young who are left without mothers to guide them.  I felt unlovable, flawed and emotionally exhausted, confused and overwhelmed when I came out of my drug and alcohol fog back in 1995.

My maternal radar was damaged whilst I drank and drugged, and when I stopped medicating myself with booze and drugs, the emotional sewerage from my past as it rose in my throat, felt like it would drown and kill me.  I felt like I had a monster inside of me that was bigger than me.  That monster was fear.  Black suppressed fear.  Whilst I emotionally detoxed this fear, Barb held my hand every step of the way.  And when she was away on business trips, Mother Nature that soft pink mother in the sky carried me.  And her partner Father Time worked his magic and my wounds slowly healed and I became stronger.

I make amends to my beautiful sons every day I remain clean and sober.  I have said sorry for my past mistakes as I made many, and I still do today, but less I am pleased to say.  I have been blessed with their love and the privilege of being their mother and they have never failed to welcome and include me in their lives as little boys, teenagers and now as young men.

The mother in the sky now lives inside of my heart.  I have become a gentle woman and a respected and loved mother in my son's lives.  A blessing I felt undeserving of for many years.

For some not spending time with an emotionally disconnected, disrespectful and toxic mother is the healthiest thing for them to do this year.  Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for another is to leave them be.  Allowing another to disrespect you just because they are biologically related is not helping them.  You enable them to deny your value.  We all deserve love and respect as our birthright.    Respect must be earned not demanded.  I wrote a blog back in February called "Criticising Critical People" (click on February archives or Friends Family & Foes title at the top of the home page if you would like to read it) that many readers found helpful who have emotionally toxic mothers.  In this blog I include a story Beautiful Barb told me about elephants that illustrates how a wise and loving elder handles conflict within the family.

One line that comes to mind often for those who need to self care by giving themselves space this Mothers Day from their Mother is from that age old poetic reading called "The Invitation thats asks us:  "Can you handle the accusation of betrayal from another, and not betray your own soul?"

So this Mother's Day if we all practice the true essence of maternal love with each other, respecting that not everyone will be feeling joyous and supported this Sunday, having compassion and respect for each other, we will be carrying the true flag of maternal love for all absent mothers.  A loving mum never shames their child for their feelings no matter what they are.  A loving mother models maternal love for her sons and daughters to carry forward to the next generation.  She holds the family together, does not allow siblings to gang up, she never excludes any of her children as she models how a gentle woman operates.  Hopefully our sons then choose a partner who lives by this wise heart philosophy, and our daughters carry on these traditions and have an innate gentle strength of the loving matriarch.

For those reading this who have hearts wounded from maternal absence for whatever reason, I want you to know that I respect your pain, and whatever you need to do to self care this Mother's day, I would encourage you to allow yourself to invite Mother Nature into your day on Sunday and Father Time  .... and do it.   Hearts that require healing and grieving need time.  So perhaps allow yourself to spend some time with the Great Out Doors this Sunday and try to remember that however you feel, even if it is in dismay this Mother's Day, you are not alone.  Healing does happen in its own time, and the Mother in the Sky, our Earth Mother has never left you, her lap is always there for you to lie upon, and she will always love you as much as she loves everyone else.

I would like to close today's blog by giving thanks ... my heartfelt thanks ... to my divine Mother in the sky who has been with me and never left me since I took my first breath, Mother Nature.  Thank you my darling, beautiful soft pink woman in the sky. 

I also would like to thank my biological mother for blessing me with the gift of life, for which I am and always will be truly grateful. 

My hearts Mother Beautiful Barb, this blog today is to celebrate you and all the wisdom and generosity of maternal love that you have blessed me and my sons with.  Your tireless guidance and gentle strength have enabled me to become the woman and mother I am now proud to be.  Thank you my darling beautiful Barb.   

I also want to send my love across the ocean to my treasured Mother In Law Mama Wendy.  We have spent so little physical time together as she lives in the U.K. and one day may join my hubby, her son (Mr. Delicious in my blogs) in the wonderful land of Oz.  Mama Wendy you hold my  hearts hand in you words when  you write and your voice when we speak thank you so very much for welcoming me into your family.  Your loving words and support often bring tears to my eyes as I sit at my laptop to read your news. 

And to my divine sons, who have made me a mother, thank you for never giving up on me and staying with me, and loving my tired heart back to life.  Your love has saved my life.

The Word Vitamins I will close today's blog are from Frederick Douglass as they personally bring comfort to my heart.   They are also for those who feel grief, sadness or dismay this Mother's day.   I am sure that our universal maternal Mother in the sky wishes for us all to be true to ourselves and to love ourselves gently especially if we feel troubled.

"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence."