An Indigenous Heart

“Your talk was the first white fella recovery talk I have ever heard that makes any sense to me for my people”.   She looked deep into me with her magnetic chocolate eyes and gave me a gentle smile.

This Indigenous Elder in far North Queensland early in 2009 stood after I had run my morning workshop to offer her opinion.  I have never felt so honoured as she and the other attendees applauded me with a standing ovation.

I was later in 2009 that I was privileged with another invitation to speak at a larger Indigenous Forum in Brisbane.  My presentation’s focus was on my work with The Emotional Fitness Program over the past decade and why I call it ‘Heart Work”.

It seems to me that at a heart level we are all connected regardless of age, culture or gender.  The need to belong to a tribe and be treated as an equal is universal.  To have wise and loving elders to light the way when we get lost in the darkness of our fears keeps us all on track.  And to be able to connect to ourselves and build a respectful relationship as we age with ourselves is the only way we can truly live a peaceful and meaningful life.

Regardless of culture if a human being does not have wise and loving elders in their formative years of childhood, in my experience, I have found that they will need to find something or someone else to look to for guidance.  Some kids connect for love and support to their older siblings, pets, sports coaches, school teachers, invisible friends, bigger and more street wise older kids, or some like me, to Mother Earth.

I shared in my presentation about my connection as a four year old little girl to sparrows in my back yard.  To me they were and still are magical fairy angels.  When my little body or heart was fatigued from the violence and chaos that surrounded me, I would go and hang out under the lemon tree with my secret sparrow friends.

In teenage years as I chose homelessness and hitchhiked around Australia and through Europe, my darling sparrows came along for the trip.

In the deep secret drinking and drugging decades of my twenties and early thirties at times I would wake up under a tree in a park, or sit in a daze for hours in a gutter trying to remember where I was.  My darling sparrows would always seem to come out of nowhere and check up on me, putting a smile on my weary heart.

My first ever paid speaking engagement was at an International Conference in Melbourne about ten years ago for clinicians held in a huge convention centre.  I was speaking to over 1500 therapists and was terrified.  As the delegates poured into the auditorium on the floor below me I was on the phone to Beautiful Barb (my Heart Mother) crying in fear.  Three floors from ground level as I tried to pull myself together to  believe I had something to say of value when a darling sparrow flew past me and perched itself in my eye line as if to say.

“You are not alone, I am here, you can do this and don’t have to worry”.  The cheeky sparrow spoke silently to my heart.  I exhaled and smiled with relief.

I went in and stood proud giving an hour’s keynote and was overwhelmed to experience my first standing ovation.  The testimonials that flooded back to the conference organisers blew my mind.  I could not believe my keynote about sparrows, Mother Nature and Father Time would have been received so warmly by an academic audience.

It was when the Indigenous Forum late in 2009, took a lunch break that I found myself trying to pluck up the courage to go and speak to one of the magnificent Indigenous Elders who was also a speaker at the forum and a highly sought after Professor.  My guess was he was in his late 50’s early 60’s.  His presentation had me spellbound.  My heart pounded like thunder when this man spoke.  I had an instant ‘father crush’ on him.

He was over six foot tall with flawless skin, deep eyes that held ancestral wisdom, perfect white hair with matching beard.  He was like an indigenous Gandalf out of Lord of the Rings.  He had the commanding presence of a true King.

When he spoke every word was said with strength and great thought. I wanted to learn from him for he spoke fluent and eloquent language of the heart.  I felt like I was in the presence of one of my heart tribe’s true male elders. However, every time he used the terms “indigenous and non-indigenous people” my heart sank.  I felt excluded from his tribe because I am classified a non-indigenous Australian.  I was one of the few white women in the room.  As I looked around at all the beautiful indigenous women with their smiles, relaxed and welcoming energy I was reminded of my beautiful Barb, she too has this magnetic warmth that makes the child in me want to run and sit on her lap.

My heart was thumping as he was in deep conversation with one of the conference organizers during the lunch break, so I didn’t want to interrupt.  She caught me out of the corner of her eye and signaled for me to join them.

It was like the coolest people in the world inviting me over.  I looked behind me to check it was me she was beckoning.  They finished their conversation and then he turned to look deeply into me and smiled.  I swallowed hard.

“I was hoping to get the chance to speak with you, do you have a moment now or are you in a hurry?” I questioned partially hoping he had to go, for I wasn’t sure I could translate the thunder in my heart into comprehendible words that would make any sense.

“No, no I am not in a hurry, what did you want to talk about?” he seemed genuinely interested.

“Well, please forgive me in advance if what I am about to say is inappropriate or offensive in any way because I have the utmost respect for you and your work.” He nodded and focused more intently on me.

“I just have to say that I truly believe that no matter what a person’s skin colour, gender or cultural background, if they don’t have elders in childhood that their heart connects with, often they will go back to Mother Nature and Father Time to parent them.  I know I did.  And so have many people I have worked with over the years.” I explained.  He said nothing and seemed keen to hear me out, so I continued.

“When I heard you speak I felt like we were speaking the same heart language.  I was moved by your wisdom and insight.  But every time you said “non-indigenous Australians” I felt excluded and that your beautiful wisdom did not belong in my world.”  I am such a word sensitive person, so I apologise if I have offended by mentioning this in any way.” I added.

“No, no not at all.  I would have to say I absolutely agree with you.  I believe we all have an indigenous heart, but some of us have just forgotten, that’s all.  Mother Nature and Father Time as you so beautifully put it speaks to us all, but few listen.” He smiled.

“The word non-indigenous is not one of our words.  It is not our language and I agree it is a non-inclusive word that does not work well.  We should have a coffee sometime and talk more about this”? He raised his eyebrows inquisitively.

“I would love to; I will give you a call in the New Year”. I promised.

It was later that afternoon that a wonderful indigenous Kiwi woman who grew up in tribal warfare in New Zealand approached me.

“Did you know that the sparrows are a totem of a New Zealand tribe?” If they came to you as a child they could be your totem too.”  What is your background, where are your people from? She asked.

Her energy was just gorgeous.  There is no other word for it.  So peaceful, strong and serene, she had 20 years experience as a clinician working with domestic violence and childhood abuse.  An amazing Earth Mother is the best way to try and convey what it was like to be in her presence.’

“I don’t really know where my people are from on my father’s side.” I replied.

I was told years ago, that my paternal grandmother had a New Zealand passport, and it wasn’t until I went to New Zealand to speak to disadvantaged youth that I saw so many Maori men that looked like my father and older matriarchs that looked so much like my grandmother.  I have no paperwork or concrete knowledge even of my grandmother’s maiden name, and my father’s surname that was my maiden name was not from his birth father.  So I don’t know where my tribe is from.  But I can tell you I wrote a poem of thanks in my first book dedicated to “the Mighty Sparrows” for their presence has truly saved my heart and sanity.

“You feel like a Maori sister to me, you could track your people if you can find the birth names” she encouraged as she put her hand on mine.

I thought to myself, maybe one day I will, but for now it does not feel necessary.

My day ended yesterday speaking with a globetrotting, single, career superwoman who has asked to see me privately to do her heart work.  She had a childhood of horrific trauma and abuse and had heard me talk in whilst I was in New Zealand about the sparrows and Mother Nature, and said she knew I could help her, so she tracked me down.  She has now moved to the great land of Oz and is ready to do her heart work.

We spoke about the human spirit that I believe requires love, beauty and hope to survive.  And she like I found that Mother Nature always provided those elements for her heart when she could not find it in her biological tribe.

“Yes, an Indigenous Heart Connection that’s me too” she said with relief as she patted her heart and closed her eyes to release her tears.

I will leave you today with some beautiful Word Vitamins that have been long time favourites of mine.  I hope to meet you here again tomorrow.

“I keep hearing tree talk, water words, and I know what they mean” Lucielle Clifton