Too Good To Be True?

Happily Ever After just Livin' the dream with the love of your life? Are these phrases you respond with if someone asks how you are? 

Or ...  do you file these statements in the too good to be true basket and dismiss them as naïve and unattainable for you or anyone for that matter? 

I was in the Royal Brisbane Hospital Alcohol and Drug Detox unit just yesterday running my Emotional Fitness group.  I have been working with inpatients in this unit for over a decade now.  These brave souls dare to strip themselves emotionally naked and look at who they have become. 

These people for most of their pasts have been ..... unhappy, surviving a nightmare, full of fears, just barely coping with life. 

Consider this for a moment ......  one in ten human beings on our planet struggle with addiction and ... 70% of those addicts will also be survivors of trauma.   So if we just take one small town like Bris Vegas we could fill Suncorp stadium right now, with all those in need of help with their addiction in this city alone.  However only a handful ever surrender their fears and check into hospital.   Those that do face up to themselves and attempt to claim their birthright to be happy in life have, my absolute respect for their courage. 

Unfortunately there are also many who struggle to claim the life of their dreams that are not addicts.  These people present to me as "the walking wounded".  Survivors of trauma whom identify with being either emotionally disconnected and or hypersensitive when it comes to relationships.  Many have given up on ever believing they could live happily ever after with themselves, let alone another. 

When our body is traumatized, let's say we break our leg  ..... we protect the wound from further damage until it heals, usually with thick plaster.  Others don't ask the person with the broken leg to run a marathon with them the following week; they understand the body needs time and specialist care and attention to heal.  

The same rules apply to the human heart.  However many don't receive specialist care and attention in order to heal their hearts trauma, so as a consequence spend their lives either protecting their wound (being disconnected).  Often drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, work, sex and other external distractions serve as an alternative plaster or numbing tools for their wounds.

Or  ....  trauma survivors can also become hypersensitive needy people who consistently look for friends, family or lovers to fix their painful emotional wounds.  Friends, family and lovers, even if qualified medical practitioners, are too close to be professionally productive.

Trauma survivors end up emotionally in the same place as the addict, enslaved to a belief that something external can fix them.  They too identify with an unhappy existence, full of fears just barely surviving life.  

Most clients I encounter who live with emotional trauma don't even know it.  They have become masters at minimizing events that matter and catastrophising events that don't.  Often they have grown up in environments where they are told they are being dramatic, they are a liar, burden or a difficult child.  They are often programmed to become the family or societal scapegoat and believe they are flawed and not good enough. 

So the too good to be true shelf in life becomes an unavailable option that they believe is far too high for these individuals to reach for.  They settle for less than others  convinced they are not good enough for the treasures of life that are our birthright ... love, beauty, heartfelt joy and peace.

The great news is, the too good to be true program can be deleted, and the I am deserving of a wonderful life program can be installed in its place.  I and thousands of people I have been honoured to work with over the past 16 years are all living proof! 

So how does one delete the too good to be true program and install the I am deserving of a wonderful life program in its place? 

Quite a few of my readers often ask how I did it, and many are also keen to know more about my relationship with Mr. Delicious, the alias I give my husband and partner of 7 years.  And why and how I came to believe that living the happily ever after is everyones birthright, not a childish fantasy. So in this article I will share a little more on how our relationship commenced and evolved.

As a survivor of sexual, physical and emotional childhood trauma, and a recovering addict, I once believed that men like Mr. Delicious were too good for me.   Convinced those top shelf blokes like him would never choose someone like me.  

As a younger woman I would watch men like him from a distance, and then look at the women they chose trying to work out what it was these women had that I did not. 

I now know they had heart! 

Yep, heart connection .... They gave good heart! 

For the first three decades of my life, I only knew about head and body connection ... no wonder things never worked out.  I always felt something was missing.  It was ... my whole hearted connection.  I was emotionally absent. 

If it looked too good to be true, it probably was!  The belief that real happiness, love and joy were false, illusions and not to be trusted ....  is what I trusted.  In a sad way this belief kept me feeling safe in my unhappiness.   I like many, was happier being unhappy for many years.  It allowed me to keep my heart plastered and unattainable for me or others to access.

A recent blog subscriber asked me to share some tips on how to know when you find the right one.  She is a single woman of 40 wanting to know more about giving yourself permission to dare to pick from the top shelf, and then live happily ever after with that person, not just for 5 minutes. 

I received her email as I travelled to Kalgoorlie last week.  As I lay in my hotel bed contemplating what I could share in response to this reader I jotted down a few key points throughout the night.  The next morning when I woke I bundled the wad of paper into my diary.  I have them now sprawled out in front of me on my desk.    What I came up with are lessons I have had to embrace in order to help myself: 

My head, heart and body were all divorced from each other 16 years ago when I started this journey.  Not only were they divorced, they despised each other and were not on speaking terms.  My head hated my body; my heart was mute, plastered with substances and in lockdown and life felt empty.  

Reading self help affirmations to just love myself were useless at that time in my life!  How do you love someone you don't even know?  In a nutshell I was a stranger to myself, and didn't like the look of me to boot. 

When head, heart and body are disconnected we live fragmented lives.  If we are untrue or unfaithful to ourselves, infidelity manifests in our external lives.  Sometimes others will dishonor us sexually, financially, emotionally or physically.  

We teach others how to treat us. 

When we pretend or deceive ourselves that things are ok and they don't feel right, we sell ourselves short and this shows up in our relationships with others. 

Takes one to know one. ... Yes we often attract others who know the dance of disconnection too.   We connect with those whom are as disconnected as we are.  

Heart connected males gave me a big swerve in earlier years.  They were the top shelf guys who were wise enough to know a relationship with a disconnected woman like me, would go nowhere other than to the bedroom or an intellectual affair.  Short term fun maybe, long term quality partnering ... not an available option. 

The remedy for my dysfunction has been a gradual courtship process with myself over the years.  I have ceased abusing my body with booze, drugs and too much or not enough food.  I take it for runs and walks in the sunshine; I smile appreciatively at it when my 49 year old naked image is reflected back at me in the mirror.  These new habits have helped reconnect me to my body. 

I pray and meditate each morning and also write out my heartfelt thoughts in my journal.  Thoughts and feelings too private to share with anyone other than Mother Nature and Father Time, this feeds my hearts spirit, and keeps my hearts connection strong.  I also consistently emotionally undress with my therapist revealing my most toxic fears.  I then share with my husband a summary of any findings to help him learn more about me.  I ask my mother in law to share her matriarchal wisdom in parenting two sons.   Also on female stuff as she is an amazing library of feminine maternal wisdom having deeply loved two husbands whom she has outlived, and raised two amazing sons into successful gorgeous men.  I am also blessed with a few near and dear friends who are safe to be vulnerable with. 

I deliberately take on new projects with professionals qualified in areas that I am not so I can continue to learn and keep myself intellectually stimulated.  I seek out wisdom from elders as remaining teachable helps build wisdom and keeps my head, intellectually engaged with learning. 

The daily focus on new habits that reconnect head, heart and body is the starting point in building Emotional Fitness.   I also personally bought myself a wedding ring after I completed my first book back in 2000.  Finishing a book was realizing a dream for me, keeping my first promise to myself.  My first book A Helping Hand with Life was literally a dream come true. I fell in love with new possibilities within myself completing this book and securing a publishing contract.   Until I chose to commit to a quality marriage to myself for the remainder of my life, I had nothing to offer another.  

It has been said that those who will not honour themselves will not find themselves honoured by others.  I believe this to be an age old truth. 

I also jotted down in my notes from Kalgoorlie the importance of not giving my power away to anyone.  Not people pleasing and betraying myself and then resenting others because I wasn't strong enough to say no.  I had to resolve this conflict within myself before I could effectively learn how to resolve conflict with others.  If my head, heart and body weren't in agreeance I had to say either no to others, or "I will get back to you".  I now give myself the gift of time.  If I feel torn thinking one thing, but feeling another, until I am in alignment it is not wise to make a decision, so I don't. 

I don't engage in relationships with anyone, whom chooses to  disrespect me, without being able to apologise, nobody deserves that sort of treatment.  If we do we just enable them to believe that being abusive or disrespectful towards us is ok behavior, and we only have ourselves to blame for any pain that results.

I have come to recognize the right people to have in our lives don't want your power; they will honour you because you honour yourself.  Your self respect is where your confidence comes from, and confidence is attractive.  Those who are relaxed and enjoy being who they are unapologetically, are liberating to be around. 

So how do you know when a relationship is right for you?  Let's summarise.

Until your relationship with yourself is focused on being as respectful, honest and loving as you can each day, you cannot ethically ask it of another.  We don't have to become saints overnight, but we do need to be as loving and kind and patient with ourselves as possible every day.   This is good practice like exercising a muscle, it builds our emotional fitness.  We can't give away what we haven't got, so first things first, what shape is your relationship with your head, heart and body in at present? 

Would you want to marry you? 

When you meet a potential partner in business or personal life, your thoughts, feelings and actions (head, heart and body) will be in united and in agreeance if they are right for you.  It will make sense for your common senses (sight, smell, taste, touch and sound) will give you the green light.  If in doubt, and you get a yellow light; give yourself time to observe further.

Remain teachable, do you have elders that you respect to advise you?  If not therapy might be worth exploring.  The word therapist's Latin roots mean "attendant to the soul".  That is what an elder is.  I have paid for male eldership for the past 16 years and it has proved invaluable.  I don't speak fluent male, so having an elder help me learn about the male head, heart and body helps me become a wiser woman, mother and wife.  For those blokes who are reading, do you have a female elder that you respect and learn from?  I would suggest an elder for us all of each gender.  My mother in law of 74 carries the love of her two deceased husbands in her heart everyday and is an invaluable resource on intimacy and giving good heart in relationships.

So once we start new habits of self care they become a lifestyle choice we need to continue.  Sustaining our emotional fitness, health and wellbeing is like looking after our physical fitness, we consistently need to take care of ourselves.  Especially once we have given ourselves permission to pick from the top shelf in life we then more than ever, need to look after our head, heart and body so we can continue to enjoy it.  

Like the brave souls I was privilged to talk with yesterday in the detox unit we all need to find the courage to dare to strip ourselves emotionally naked.  Only then can we be really honest with ourselves and others.  This is emotional intimacy, or giving good heart.  This is how we honour another the sacred privilege of seeing into our hearts.  I love the break down of the word intimacy  In - to - me - see. 

So are you disconnected and divorced or intimately married to yourself? 

Are you good at holding your personal power and honouring yourself?

Are you still teachable and willing to emotionally undress with an elder when important life choices present themselves in order to ensure you don't hide your truth from yourself?

Elders are great for they have the ability to see our emotional blind spots that we cant always see for ourselves.

For when we consistently self care we then understand that nothing in life is too good to be true and we claim our birthright of living happily ever after in our own skin. 

When I met Mr. Delicious seven years ago, I had finally reached a stage in my life where I was off my trainer wheels with self care.   I had established a strong head, heart and body balance within myself; I was in a committed marriage with myself first and foremost and still wear my wedding ring to myself along with his to this day.    

He tells me now in hindsight that I was and still am, to him "the whole package".  He saw an unusual blend of femininity and strength, and he found that attractive.  He says that men find confident women sexy.  Now that was news to me for I was told by scorned women in my past that men are intimidated by confident women.  He assures me that only boys are intimidated by confident women, not men.

What I found so impressive about him was his capacity to hold his personal power.  He is unapologetically happy with himself, and will speak up whenever he needs to.  He is not afraid of anyone, his fearlessness I find impressive.  He doesnt suffer fools lightly, and has no problem saying no and setting and honouring personal boundaries he sets for himself.  The only people who have a problem with him are the ones that wont give themselves permission to stand up to him.  When others do stand up to him, he is fair and respectful and a true gentleman.  He is no saint though, and if he loses his temper or is unhappy with his behaviour  he will apologise and go responsible for himself.  I just love him and the way he  stands in his power no matter who he is with.

In order for me to successfully partner him I need to more than ever hold my own power and be unafraid of who I am and who I am not.  I need to stand up and speak up as well as surrender my fear in claiming my feminine strength and gentleness.  The only time I ever am in conflict with him, is when I am not honouring myself and want to blame him for it.  And that happens rarely these days. 

So to my reader who asked about this subject I hope I have addressed your questions.  For I do believe the person I had been looking for all my life, my one and only ..... was me. 

I have become the source of love in my life ... and don't need to look for others to fill me up, and as a result, my cup runneth over ... 

I sometimes pinch myself for I have become one of those women I used to admire.  Yes I too can give good heart now.  

When we claim our hearts wisdom we become truly empowered then and able to share it with those we love.  

A wise life partner, a top shelf partner is looking for the full package  ..   a head, heart and body connection. That is what they will have with themselves, and will have too much self respect to settle for second best. 

Most importantly for us all is to know that no matter who else is in our lives we can live happily ever after in our own skin.  I applaud my wonderful mother in law for long after who two dearly beloved husbands have died; she still carries a smile, her love and her wonderful memories of them with her every day.  She models for me how to honour gentle feminine strength and love males in all their glory as she lives happily as a widow in her own skin. Thank you my dearest Mama Wendy.

For those of you who have asked how to order my books, A Helping Hand with Life,  and Emotional Fitness, just drop me an email cynthia@emotionalfitness.com and I will get a signed copy to you asap.

I will leave you with these wonderful Word Vitamins from Richard Bach and look forward to meeting you here next month. 

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it."