Would You Marry You?

If you’re not into the whole concept of marriage, change the question to, ‘Would you have a long term committed relationship with you’?

Fourteen years ago when I was a fear fuelled, firm bodied female aged 33, my answer to this question( if I could have been honest with myself long enough to answer, which was most unlikely) would most definitely have been “No Fuckin’ Way!”

Today aged 47 with more wrinkles, hail damage (cellulite) and gravity taking its humorous toll on my loyal body, my answer to this question would now be, “Absolutely”.

In yesterdays blog I wrote about the divorce proceedings I started with myself in early childhood to arrive in adult hood, not on speaking terms with my own heart.  I was disappointed, fearful, angry and ashamed of myself.  I wanted to get as far away from myself as I could.  I had spent my teenage years doing what recovery circles often refer to as “geographicals”.  I was emotionally on the run and hitchhiked around Australia and through Europe hoping if I changed people, places and things around me my life would improve and my problems would disappear forever.  Trouble was wherever I went; I had to take me too.

So Plan B involved staying in one place geographically instead but going on secret squirrel, internal trips, literally.  Drugs and alcohol took me to a secluded paradise whilst peeling the potatoes, and hanging out the washing for many years.  Any emotional pain or problem I faced was band aided with a weapon of mass distraction, my secret travel agent that would rescue me from myself.  Favourites being alcohol, drugs, drama, cigarettes (3 packets a day), excessive sugar, salt, starvation, sex, spending and sleep and the list does go on.  This are just preferred my top ten.

I got clean and sober on October 12, 1995 and put down on that day the first top two on my top ten, for they were definitely going to kill me the quickest.  It has taken quite some time to surrender the last eight and I still do pick them up from time for time but not in such a destructive way these days.  I am pleased to say that my self preservation backup safety switch kicks in before I do any long term damage, instead of the self sabotage switch that used to ensure I did the maximum damage to myself as possible.

I was driving in the car with my youngest son Little Chicken yesterday on our way to have one of our regular lunch dates when I realized how impressive his relationship was with himself for such a young male.  He is only just 21 and has already made a pledge of commitment to his own heart.  As has his older brother Big Chicken aged 22.

My sons only three years ago decided they wanted to play musical instruments.  Neither of them had ever before.  Big Chicken bought some drums out of the local newspaper and Little Chicken asked for a guitar for his birthday.  They started to write some music with two other friends and followed their hearts.

This was the beginning of them getting to know and honour who they are at a heart level as young men, and exploring how they wanted to express themselves.  A courtship with self if you will.   

Not everyone uses the same form of mindfulness and meditation which are in my view ways to court our own hearts.  Meditation really just means hanging out with ourselves …. being instead of doing.  This is how we get to know and understand who we really are, like you would hang out and spend time being with a new potential lover.  There are many ways to the waterfall of the heart, where our deep beauty and peace reside.  Once we find our individual path, we don’t ever have to feel lost again, for we will know the way home to our own centre of truth, love and self respect.

Long story short, they have won a national competition that 2000 other up and coming Australian Bands entered.  And they start their national tour next weekend, five gigs across Australia with international bands.  They were given some prize money also, so recorded some of their new material just last week.

I had not heard these new songs before, so for me it was like being allowed into the birthing room to have first hold before anyone else.  What a privilege.  I was so excited to hear them as we drove in Black Betty (my VW beetle soft top) to Portside in Brissy to feast on superb fish and chips.

I got goose bumps.  Their lyrics, instrumental timing and voices were powerful.  More powerful that I had ever heard before.  In each song I could hear they were having a great time being who they all are.  Big Chicken I had never heard sing before as he is always on drums, but he made his debut in one of their new songs and I could not get the smile off of my face and needed to call him and congratulate him as he was back at work.

I wanted to share this moment with you today because I find more and more as I not only parent my sons, but work with Generation Y in schools, rehabs and at youth events, that their yearning to connect to what is real and true seems to be more in the forefront than it was for my generation in their early years of adult hood.

Gen Y doesn’t so readily buy the bullshit of being seen and not heard, like we did.  They don’t sell themselves out so readily for public approval and seem braver and more connected than my generation was.  Of course there are upsides and downsides to every generation but with SMS, email, Facebook, Twitter and the mobile phone they remain in touch with their tribe in ways we never could.

To see my young son smile with pure delight at the joy in his life, and the kick he is getting out of being true to who he is made all of the emotional shit storms I have weathered in my life worth it, just to witness this.  He has a quality courtship going on with himself as does his older brother.

Quality courtships involve fun, laughter, excitement, passion and exploration.  Quality marriages or long term commitments incorporate all of these heartwarming dimensions and more.  Sacred intimacy, emotional safety, wonderful companionship, loyalty, respect all tied together with peace and a deep and beautiful love.

As I reflected on my amazing day late last night with my darling hubby Mr. Delicious we both smiled with quiet joy at how wonderful life has become for us both.  Only a few moments later his serenity was interrupted as he needed to yell at his beloved gigantic flat screen TV realizing he had forgotten to record the second episode of a series he is very excited about.  He started to chastise himself and get annoyed for not remembering to set the time to record for longer.

I rubbed his yumptious hairy chest and said “Well sweetheart, if that’s the worst thing that happens in your day, it’s been a good day”.

“You and your bloody luxury problems,” he laughed as I pinched and played with him.

One of the things I love so much about being married to this man is that from the first day I met him, he knew how to make me laugh.  We laugh most days and they are often deep belly laughs that include tears of exhaustion.  Heart filled delight about our quirky ways and favourite sayings are what tickles us both the most.  He can also make me cry with joy in the way his divine and strong heart loves me so deeply and loyally.

I also am most thankful that I can also find myself laughing in my own company at myself or my paranoia or clumsiness.  Rather than criticizing myself I can see the lighter side of what it is to be me.  I encourage my own tears too.  When I am hormonal and need a good cry to relieve the emotional pressure, I go and hire a movie and let myself sob away unashamedly.

So as you consider this question, ‘Would you marry you”.  Ask yourself how frequently you laugh and enjoy being who you are, and how gentle and compassionate you are with yourself when you need to cry and release heart fatigue or sadness.

It is said that laughter and tears are the language of the heart.  How often does your heart get its say honoured, in its marriage or relationship with you?  If you and your heart are currently divorced or not on speaking terms, the good news is you can change that if and when you are ready.

So I will sign off for today and thank you once again for sharing this space with me.  Till next time if you are someone who has not let your heart have a good cry for a while, let me reassure you it is more effective than Botox at keeping the lines of stress off of your face, and it is soooo healthy for your heart.  I will leave you with these Word Vitamins to ponder.

“Tears are like rain.  They loosen up our soil so we can grow in different directions” Virginia Casey