Fear Storms

I used to think I was going backwards if I was feeling fear, that I was being unspiritual and imperfect.

Nowadays I do my best to remember when I feel lost in a powerful fear storm that it is often a signal directly from Mother Nature and Father Time, that I am ready for more emotional growth in recovery.  To make room for more love in my life, I will need to get rid of the old fears.  I now understand fear storms are necessary and a powerful indicator that more of my fears are ready to be flushed out so I can progress and move forward - it actually means I am being given the opportunity for growth and will need to clear away old emotional debris. 

If I ask The Great Out Doors (my version of GOD) Mother Nature and Father Time for an abundant and love filled life, this new abundant life is going to need space to grow.  If my hearts inner garden is cluttered with old toxic fears, they will have to come up and out like toxic weeds need to be removed from a garden.  One of the benefits of my fear storms that I can see myself more clearly once it has passed. I still struggle sometimes to remember I am okay during the storm, when I am in the midst of torrential rain, lightning and thunder.   But every time, once the rain, wind, lightning and thunder have passed, it makes clearing the garden of my heart easier for me.  There is a gentleness and a newness I feel nowadays after enduring a fear storm.

I was sitting on my front step a few weeks ago waiting for a client to arrive for their scheduled private Emotional Fitness session.  It had rained heavily the night before and my beautiful garden was glistening as the sunlight hit the water droplets on the leaves and grass.  My garden had been nourished and cleansed.  Even though I regularly hand water my darling potted flowers and topiary figs, there is nothing like fresh cloud juice from the breast of Mother Nature, to truly invigorate my garden.  The heavy wind had swept away the buildup of leaves in the gutters and it looked refreshed and healthy.  As I looked at the chocolate earth around the base of my steps and the smooth speckled river stones I noted some determined weeds spoiling my view.  So I pulled them out.  They slid out so beautifully, no resistance, so I kept on pulling them out as I waited for my client, and got a fair bit of weeding done in a short space of time.  I decided that I would set aside time on the weekend to finish the rest off.

It occurred to me as I weeded, that rain in a storm is much like my hearts tears within my fear storms.  My tears force me to surrender my ego and my defenses and flush out my fears.  I often have clients comment during their sessions, that "bad stuff happens in threes for them, or that it doesn't rain, it pours".   I choose to see these clusters of events in my life and in theirs as a warning to pay attention to, then surrender fear.  A bit like thunder warns us of a forth coming storm.  When I pay attention to blocks, accidents or inconvenient clusters of events in my life, the common denominator in my behavior that accompanies these events is usually that I am going too fast, and not paying attention or giving myself time.  I find I am working against Father Time, rushing and doing too much, as well as working against Mother Nature by not eating well, sleeping and not honouring my hearts true nature, but living in my ego.

When I am blocked in traffic, face a rejection or shut door in my career, or drop and break things ... instead of cursing and complaining I now remind myself that this is the prewarning, this is my thunder.  Once I acknowledge the presence of thunder in my life, I often hear myself saying out aloud to Mother Nature and Father Time,

"Okay I hear you; I will slow down and pay attention to what is going on for me."

Once I slow down, stop doing and starting being more real with myself and surrender to whatever fear I am running from or denying, then the rain starts.  Sometimes it is just a sun shower, sometimes its heavy rain, other times it becomes torrential and when I have to really stop and pay attention to bigger changes I need to make, it hails.  I find the heavier the storm, the more enlightening it is afterwards for me. 

When I stand out on my verandah during a Queensland storm and there is lightening, I smile to myself and Mother Nature's power of enlightenment.  I never fail to be impressed by her.   If she decides it is going to hail, we all have to stop what we are doing and where we are going in our cars, pull over and slow down.  We have to wait, turn off computers, pause and stop doing.

So when my fears show up these days and cloud my sunny emotional wellbeing, the discipline is in remembering that they are a necessary part of my hearts seasoning and strengthening process.   If I don't learn how to weather my fear, I automatically stunt my emotional growth and miss opportunities to build heart strength, which is vital for my emotional survival.  It is impossible to learn how to master fear if I never face it and feel it.

Weapons of Mass Distraction used to operate like an internal boom box to prevent me ever hearing my fear.  Whilst living deep in denial, drugs and alcohol were very loud chemical barriers to block me off from acknowledging my fears. But now clean and sober I can still use other weapons such as busyness, food, work, other people and money to obsess about in order to distract me from owning and learning from my fears. 

In the past I have ended relationships and retreated from constructive opportunities in order to avoid facing an opportunity to master my fear and grow.

If I am fearful it simply means I am disconnected from love.   So Emotional Fitness is about mastering effective ways to reconnect to love again - and once I have, only then I can regain clarity and find my way out of the fear storm I am lost in.

A clue to help me identify when I am lost in a fear storm is that I always lose hope, like I have lost my life map and along with it, the belief that I am a lovable and capable human being.   I feel flawed and can fall into the trap of believing I always was and always will be.

I experienced a fear storm as I sat in my writers nook staring at my laptop yesterday afternoon.  I am currently re-working my latest manuscript and communicating with literary agents and prospective publishing houses on how to market this new book child.   My fear started to rise like a pregnant mother remembers as contractions start with the birthing of her second child, how hard the physical journey ahead of her is going to be, it is scary.   Birthing a book child for a writer is very similar, it is demanding emotional work. 

Father Time never ceases to amaze me with his impeccable scheduling of events.  As self doubt started thundering through my heart frightening me yesterday, Mr. Delicious (my husband) phoned me for a chat.  As I heard his gentle deep voice over the phone, I started to cry.  I spoke out my fears and surrendered and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, letting myself sob unashamedly to him over the phone.  He reassured me that he believed in me not only as a woman and his wife, but as a writer, and that he knew all would be well.  This was short fear storm ... thank GOD.   After we finished speaking I went upstairs and made myself a lovely mug of tea and just sat for a bit with my hands cupped around my favourite gold and pink Royal Albert Mug that Beautiful Barb had bought for me.  I breathed deeply, closed my eyes and remembered to be grateful for all the abundance of love, health and time I have in my life. 

I was able to smile again, so I got up, popped some of my favourite pink lippy on and went back to work.  That gentle heart rain helped me pull up some weeds of self doubt that were going to prove too toxic to let continue to grow, I was able to remove them and get back on track.

I never understood that the protection we need during our fear storms is simple but not easy - it's love.  Whenever I am fearful if I can be loving toward myself and  hold tight to remembering I am doing my best, I am a lovable person,  a work in progress and don't have to be perfect, then I find I the dark fog of fear clears very quickly.  If I am unable to do this for myself and really lost in fear.........constructive loving people can mirror love to me with words of encouragement, loving smiles and gestures.

I used to be afraid of fear. Now I understand its valuable role in human growth.

The Word Vitamins I will leave you with today are from the wonderful Amelia Earhart who faced countless fears in her life journey.  When we face our fears no matter what they are, and continue on our path that is called an act of courage.  I used to think that courage was the absence of fear, but many wise elders remind us that courage is when we take action, in spite of our fears.

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things"