Introverts, Extroverts & Ambiverts

I put introverts first in this title, because it is the tag I identify with first and foremost.  I am most definitely a pure bred introvert myself.  If we visualise a sliding scale beginning at number 1 for pure bred introverts like myself, then slide up to number five we will find the ambivert personality comfortably sitting there in the middle.  Then continuing on up the scale if we go all the way to number 10 we will meet the pure bred extroverts smiling and chatting like the little rays of sunshine that they are, with all their mates.  Like my husband and a couple of my dearest girlfriends.

If we look at the text book explanations of what defines an introvert you will read descriptions that state that introversion is a tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own internal world.   Introverts tend to be more reserved and less outspoken in large groups. We find our greatest pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though we tend to enjoy interactions with close friends. A pure bred introvert will prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate.  Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement. We are more analytical before speaking.  Well that's me in a nutshell.

I also find that in excess of 90% of all inpatients and clients I have worked with who are recovering from a full blown addiction also identify with these personality traits.  I have observed that when an introvert is not emotionally supported in their formative years for being quiet and reserved and made to believe they are wrong for being so, this causes a great deal of anxiety.  Especially if they have siblings or extended family that are gregarious extroverts.  Comparisons that insinuate that the introvert is less confident and capable than the extrovert are inaccurate.

I have come to understand that introversion is not the same as shyness, a lack of confidence or being a social misfit.  As an introvert we choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people are fearful of others.

As a child I was quiet and lived with fairies, pixies, angels and in my dolls world.  Their silent communications with me made my games so exciting and enchanting.  I found others that wanted to play with me an invasion and an interruption.  If they were not respectful and gentle with a huge imagination, I could not and did not want to, connect with other children.  I did however have a divine Pa Pa who had a magical inner world like me; he was a wonderful introvert that spoke fluently with his hands, heart, laughter and eyes.  We could sit on our favourite beach Glenelg in South Australia and smile and play in silence building sand castles together if peaceful bliss for hours.

I believed I was wrong for being a quiet child, couple that with a violent and abusive environment and I retreated further and further into myself to find peace and refuge.  I then found it very, very tough to connect with others, and to be honest, really didn't like people much and found my own company far more soothing and enjoyable.  Mother Nature was a good friend, probably my best friend in childhood.

As puberty set in and my libido started to stir, I found males more and more interesting but did not know how to connect.  I also had experienced years of sexual abuse in my formative years as a little girl so I was genuinely confused when it came to the matter of my sexuality.

I found alcohol was a great solution.  It helped me come out of my shell so to speak.  I became what would appear to the outside world as an extroverted young female.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  But with alcohol I could chemically connect with others whilst keeping my heart safely hidden and protected by the fairies in my inner magical world. 

As you may be aware by now if you have read previous blogs, my drinking and drugging career spanned about 19 years.  Anyone that met me during that time would describe me as an extroverted, outgoing, confident and fun loving female.  Our home when I was married to Joe and our boys were young was called 'party central'.

When I took the drugs and alcohol away, I reverted to my true self.  The introvert who cherishes time to herself, and actually requires it for my emotional health and wellbeing.

I can stand up in front of thousands of people and present with confidence a 90 minute keynote address without relying on one word from any power point or notes.  I am far more fluent and effective if I present straight from my heart.  I have great passion and confidence in my work whether doing a television interview or speaking in a maximum security prison.  I am not a fearful nor shy person.  But when it comes to social interactions and connecting with others, I am discerning and find if I don't select who and how I socialize on weekends I actually burn out, and feel peopled out.  It drains my energy.

I am however highly attracted to extroverts now I am clean and sober.  When I was abusing substances and also early in my recovery I sought out shy introverted men, and quite frankly I got bored with them very quickly.  Our worlds were too quiet and our social circle too small for me.  It was not a good fit for me, two introverts together.  Mr. Delicious is the first extrovert I have ever dared to connect with, and I have never been so challenged but delighted.

Now, if we look for the text book explanations of what defines an extrovert you will read descriptions that extraversion is a tendency toward being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self.  Extraverts tend to enjoy human interactions and to be enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious. They find most of their pleasure in activities that involve large social gatherings, such as parties, community activities, public demonstrations, and business or political groups. Politics, teaching, sales, managing, brokering, and acting are fields that favor extraversion. An extraverted person is likely to enjoy time spent with people and find less reward in time spent alone. They tend to be energized when around other people, and they are more prone to boredom when they are by themselves.

This is my darling husband to a T.  Having to sit quietly and leave me be, each morning over the past five years whilst I do my morning meditation is tough for him.  He is like a puppy with his tail wagging waiting to be taken for a walk.  He likes to be on the go, he likes to do more activity than I do, and I like to be quiet and still more than he does.

Ironically because we communicate honestly and frequently we are able to bring the best of our worlds together.  He has taken me to amazing places around the world and I have socialised, explored and have a richer outer life than I ever have had before.  When we go to a function, he is great at holding the social umbrella above me so that I can share in the sunny connections he so easily makes.  I love to listen and observe how others connect, but small talk is not my preference.   I love to listen to others who are skilled at making humorous and interesting social chit chat. 

I often need to go and take a breath and sit alone when at functions, and my husband knows I don't need him to sit with me and keep me company, actually I prefer it if he mingles and does his thing.  He comes back and checks on me ensuring I have a fresh drink and checking with me as to when I am ready to leave.  I am fine if others want to sit and join me, but I won't initiate speaking to a stranger.  In business circles about business yes, I will go and engage national and international leaders and have done on many occasions, but socially .... Ah ....no.

My girlfriend The Glamazon is an A Lister Brisbane socialite and is eloquent and skilled at holding her own with anyone, anywhere.  I think she is a super star and just love walking beside her.  We are both very tall middle aged women, who love this time in our lives.  She will go to any social situation anywhere on her own, and hold a wonderful debate with anyone, on anything.  It's impressive.  I learn from her and love how extroverted she is.

A true introvert like myself with full blown extroverts can be a wonderful fit as long as nobody makes the other party wrong.  Mr. Delicious says he loves our quiet love nest at home we have built together; it is like a sanctuary for us both.   He too had never dated an introvert before, he always dated party women who made it a double whammy extroverted relationship, and it never worked out for him.  I love my big and rich social life and feel enriched by being around my wonderful extroverts.

My beautiful Barb, my heart mothers, is a quiet introvert like me, and it is so wonderful to be validated by her and reminded that I don't have to ever apologise for choosing quiet time alone over social gatherings if I need to recharge.

Now you might be wondering what the hell an ambivert is.  Well again looking to the text books we are told that although many people view being introverted or extraverted as a question with only two possible answers.   Most contemporary measures refer to levels of extraversion-introversion as part of a single, continuous dimension of personality, with some scores near one end, and others near the half-way mark.  So ambiversion is a term used to describe people who fall more or less directly in the middle and exhibit tendencies of both groups.  An ambivert is normally comfortable with groups and enjoys social interaction, but also relishes time alone and away from the crowd.

So it seems the ambivert has the best of both worlds within their own persona, and can choose to partner with either an extrovert or introvert and will be able to find the balance they are looking for.

I appreciate that people are complex and this scale is a sliding one.  Some people will sit right down with the pure bred introverts like me at number 1, others up with the full blown extroverts and number 10, some at 5 with the ambiverts, and anywhere else in between.

I just wanted to touch on this subject as I believe it is important that we don't compare our position on this sliding scale as being better or worse, and that we celebrate and support each other in the way we emotionally recharge and connect with ourselves and the world.

I apologise if my blogs have slowed down a little this week.  I am working on finalising the first draft of my manuscript by April this year.  So I will blog at least a couple of times each week whilst getting the book finished and then up them later on when I have a bit more time on my hands.

Keep your comments coming it is so wonderful to hear from you all, and I hope this topic has provided some food for thought in respect to yourself and who and how you relate to others.

So whether you are an introvert, extrovert, ambivert or anywhere in-between the challenge for us all is to be true to ourselves an honour how our hearts energy flows in the most peaceful way we can.  My Word Vitamins for today are from one of my favourite wordsmiths Henry David Thoreau.

"Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows."