Luxury Problems

A few years ago, my wallet got lifted from my briefcase whilst I was working on my laptop from a busy inner city coffee shop in the heart of Sydney.  I didn’t notice it was gone until after I had given my keynote presentation on “Emotional Fitness”.  I was leaving the podium and went to give a delegate my business card to find my wallet had been stolen.

For me it wasn’t so much the cash it had in it but it was more the fact that I had to fly back to Brisbane that evening.   All of my credit cards, identification, my memory stick and all the important bits and pieces I carry were inside my wallet which is more like a zipped up mini handbag itself.

My heart started racing with panic.  The CEO of this organization was trying to get his people to help me, and I had also rung the police to report it stolen. My working commitments with this conference had concluded and I had given myself enough time to do a bit of shopping before flying home that evening, so I had Father Time on my side.

“Would you like to join me for lunch, and we can sit tight whilst we await news on your wallet?” the CEO enquired as the elevator slowly descended, stopping at almost every floor in this sky scraper.

I was about to accept his offer, when the elevator stopped again.  The doors glided open there was no-one there waiting.  However whilst we were pausing, I did see a tatty, photocopied A4 notice on the wall opposite, that advertised a recovery group in that building that ran from midday till 2pm, on that day.

“Thanks Bob, but I really need to take a rain check” I sincerely apologized knowing myself well enough to understand that when my anxiety rises like it was, I needed to calm myself.

Emotional Fitness is the tag I give to the heart work I do.  They say we teach what we need to learn, and this is definitely the case for me.  I like to keep emotionally fit and am not unlike a person who likes to keep physically fit.  I practice a daily routine, and access a variety of ways to emotionally stay strong and work out so I don’t get bored.  If an athlete gets a muscle cramp or spasm, it needs to be massaged or even exercised away.  We all need movement and change in body position when our body cramps, athlete or not.

I see emotional anxiety the same way.  When I get an anxiety cramp or spasm I need to move my position on the issue to massage away the fear in my heart and help the blood flow of love and calm return, so I get my emotional mobility and strength back.

It was just after midday so I quickly slid out of the elevator as the doors were shutting and followed the arrow to the meeting room.  When I entered I recalled I had been to this meeting many years ago on another business trip as I remembered the room, and was pleased to return.  I took a seat at the back and exhaled deeply, closing my eyes to unplug my hectic thoughts.  It took a while to settle as I scanned the room and got my bearings.  The man speaking I could hardly hear but his voice was soothing like gentle background music.  I was in a safe place and started to feel and stopped thinking.  My heart was still pounding heavily, but I decided to drink in some calm in this room.  After the meeting I would call the police to see if by some act of fate they had found my wallet and if not, make a plan of action then.

I just had to stop and be still for a while to re-centre myself, as I had lost my emotional balance and strength.

The next person to speak was a woman about my age who was shaking and looked like she had just survived a holocaust even though she was very well dressed and groomed.  As she spoke I realized she had been in an emotional war with her addictions and was in a state of the walking wounded.

She could not look up as I could feel her heart was heavy with shame.  Her voice was shaky as she shared with me and the strangers in the room snippets she could remember of the past few days.  It was horrific.  A drug and alcohol binge that took her into total blackout.  No recall of almost 48 hours.  She was an educated, professional middle class woman who looked for want of a better word, normal on the outside but was dying on the inside.

I immediately forgot my thoughts and anxiety and felt a wave of compassion waft through me like a gentle cool breeze.  My heart wanted to be there for her as she bravely took responsibility for herself and her dangerous behavior.

It was like witnessing a heart birth and an ego death at the same time.  The room was silent.  It was a sacred silence. It was life or death for this woman, and for her children.  She had a tough road ahead of her if she decided on recovery, I knew only too well as I too had become a single mum with two young kids on a pension in my early years of recovery back in 1995.

I don’t know how much time passed as she spoke, it seemed to stand still.  As she surrendered her ego, shared her fear and worked hard at keeping her spark of hope alive she was nothing short of inspirational.

What really hit home for me was that she had gratitude in the midst of her dark despair.  She was giving thanks that something within her in the midst of her blackout had the sense to at least sent her two young children over to the neighbours.  Her husband had just left her for another woman, and so she decided that the only available solution to her problems was lots of vodka and pills, and to burn the family home down with her in it.  But she got the kids out first, thank God.

The house was burned to the ground along with everything she owned.  The fire brigade had got her out in the nick of time without a scratch or burn.  The neighbours had called emergency services and kept the kids safe and out of sight.  She remembered nothing other than what she was told about the past two days.

My wallet being stolen, ah…. a luxury problem.

My heart reminded me that losing my wallet was a good problem to have today considering my options.  Back in 1995 I was a woman, mother and wife who was poorly hiding a chronic drug and alcohol problem too.  I used to put my children in my car in a drugged and drunken stupor, and drive to get cigarettes and alcohol when they were seven and nine.

I am that woman without help.

A day at a time I have been blessed with recovery which is a daily discipline that rewards me with more heart freedom, love, peace and abundance I have ever known or would have thought possible for a person like me.  And it keeps getting better, and so do my problems. They are now luxury problems, not survival crises.

I did initially think back in 1995, that when I put all my weapons of mass distraction down for there was more than just drugs and alcohol for me.  The arsenal that helped me stay numb and in denial so I could stop being and feeling included food, sex, money and drama. I naively thought that once I put down all of these distractions I would become a perfect woman, mother and wife, have a wonderful life, and be free of problems.  And have it all!

Well fourteen years later I have put using all of these denial devices destructively down, but I am in no danger of becoming a saint I can promise you.  However, my husband Mr. Delicious tells me I am the perfect woman for him.  My two sons who were seven and nine when I started to recover my self respect whom I call my Big Chicken aged 22 and Little Chicken aged 21 write such beautiful and loving words in cards and emails and also tell me freely and often that they love having me for a mum, and are very proud of me.  I do have an amazing life and am so very grateful to report that the only problems I have nowadays are luxury problems.  The best sort.

Problems don’t go away for anyone in life I have found, but as we age if we can work on daily gratitude, life and emotional wellbeing improve.  And that is an inside job.  It is what I call heart work.  It has nothing to do with what happens to you, as you would have heard many times before it is all about what you do with what happens to you.

After leaving that recovery meeting, I rang the police and they had found that my wallet had been handed in and had everything still in it except the cash.  It was an educational and memorable day for me.  I had a huge emotional workout that day and will be eternally grateful for that woman’s bravery in sharing her story and helping me remember to be grateful.

I am off now to speak to a group of brave souls that will be in the detox unit at the Royal Brisbane Hospital.  These people are at sacred cross roads, and it is a privilege to be invited into this detox unit as I have been over the past 10 years and do my best to massage their hope.

I will be encouraging them to remember today that when fires go through our lives and it seems that destruction is all around us; it can be really hard to look for the good.  But as with any bushfire, if you just give Mother Nature and Father Time a go, new beautiful green shoots appear, and new growth flourishes in the spaces where the dead wood has been burnt away.  Sometimes an emotional bushfire is a blessing in disguise.

So I will close with these words today that help me remember that I do have it all, and so can you on any day you choose.  I love these Word Vitamins and take them often.  I hope to connect with you again tomorrow.

“You can have everything you love in life.  You just need to love everything you have"  Author unknown