Live & Learn or Crash & Yearn

"Yes I am wise, but its wisdom born of pain".

 I was singing at the top of my voice driving my new luxurious dream car that I have recently bought for myself, when tears started to roll down my cheeks. 

I was relishing in being me, just loving my life.  I was on my way to pick up my Mother in Law for a catch-up cuppa on a Friday afternoon, after a demanding week of work.  My sons and hubby almost gag with nausea when Helen Reddy's ancient song, 'I am Woman' pops up on my IPOD when they are driving with me.  So it is a real treat to crank up the volume and unashamedly sing loudly (and yes badly) along to her powerful lyrics without the eye rolling and wrist slashing motions by the males in my life.

"Yes I've paid the price, but look how much I've gained" I sang recalling how learning how to learn has been a major challenge for me over the past 16 years.  I am 50 at my next birthday and can now truly confess, that it has only been over the past decade I have finally learned how to surrender my ego most of the time, remain teachable and learn from myself and others. 

I chose to stop learning very early in life because the elders that were my teachers, I did not respect let alone want to neither mimic nor learn from.  Guilt and shame based consistent messages like:

"Do as I say and not as I do"

"Stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about"

"Children should be seen and not heard"

"After everything I have done for you, this is how you repay me?"

These phrases don't create an environment where children become empowered, find their voice and remain open to learning from their elders.

When I run Emotional Fitness workshops for psychology graduates wanting to work in the field of trauma and addiction one of the most important messages I can share with them is to remember their role.  The word "therapist" has Latin roots that translate to mean "attendant to the soul".  When people like me hit adulthood and realize they need to play a lot of catch-up tiggy when it comes to learning about life and relationships, some of us after consistently crashing actually surrender and pay for eldership.  A therapist is simply in my view, a paid elder.   They become someone the emotionally challenged pay to teach us how to learn the stuff we didn't learn in our youth,  but need to know so we can actually live life rather than just survive it.

If you are a new reader of my work, a quick update, I am a recovering addict/alcoholic who came from a childhood of violence and sexual abuse.  Many with similar backgrounds like me, choose weapons of mass distraction throughout adolescence and into adult life, like booze and drugs in order to survive life.  I love the way George Bernard Shaw one of my favourite wordsmiths puts it:

"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." 

 I have been clean and sober since October 12, 1995.  This is when I commenced writing books, blogs, magazine columns, running support centres for Federal Government, working within the media and delivering workshops and keynotes.   Addressing  how to improve  Emotional Fitness is what I need to learn the most, so it is what I have devoted my heart to learning for the past 16 years and I share my findings along the way.

Respect for elders that were given the biological responsibility to teach me how to learn about life, did not flourish.  This is the case for many of us I adult life. I am not here to play the violin and indulge in a pity party, simply to state where and why I studied the craft of Emotional Fitness; it was at The University of Life.

Back to the key message I share with medical staff and students working with trauma and addiction.  Those who are paying for the therapist's ability to attend to their souls wounding are primarily interested in a therapist's personal energy.  What will make them want to return for another session will be the therapist's ability to be emotionally present and compassionate; this is more important than any qualifications alone.  Parker J. Palmer puts what I mean beautifully when he said that,

"Good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher." 

We cannot grow and accumulate emotional wealth and know success, if we are not teachable.  The ultimate currency in life I have found is self respect and without this many of my clients who have mastered financial, intellectual or physical abundance often privately still feel emotionally bankrupt. 

If we don't learn how to respect and honour our heart we become needy of the outside world to do it for us, and it never can long term.  Instant ego gratification most certainly is a temporary option for us all.  But by midlife we have learned that the euphoric sugary high created by external stimulus (booze, drugs, sex, fame, money, social status) sets us up for an almighty crash.

When we fall, and crash this can be a vital starting point, a gift even though it hurts like hell.  The gift of desperation.  That's if we are open to learning how to change.  This is where we acquire wisdom born of pain.  The price we pay with is initially with just our ego. If we won't surrender ego, the price goes up over time and it may cost us relationships, health, career and or financial security, or all of the above.   Surrendering our ego, our expectations that life is under some sort of obligation to give us what we want when we want it is when we can start to really grow.  However those who are not open to learning because they know it all are setting themselves up for an emotional crash. 

Knowledge or head wisdom, changes over time.   Wisdom however, we can only gain through our hearts experience.  It is said that experience is the name we give our mistakes. Learning from our mistakes is the route to accumulating emotional wealth i.e. wisdom.   When we make wise decisions for ourselves, we gain self respect.  If we continue to learn from our mistakes all throughout our lives and remain teachable embracing each mistake as an opportunity to learn, we mature and become wiser.  This is how we gain not only emotional abundance and self respect, but abundance across the board within relationships, health, career and financial security.

I smiled through my tears as I continued to sing:

"And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again"

I used to yearn to become an empowered woman.  Many of the clients I work today choose to improve their Emotional Fitness so they stop being their own worst enemy.    I often say the person who put me down and kept me down the longest in my life, has been me.  Whilst many of us may have backgrounds where we have been suppressed, violated and disrespected in younger years, as adults it is our responsibility alone to find new elders who can help us learn how to want to learn again so we can mend our relationship with ourselves.

When we do crash and the world seems like a harsh and demanding place sometimes it's because we also need a rest... and we need to ask for help.  For many of us being a one man show, not letting anyone know that inside our hearts are barely coping because we feel emotionally bankrupt is also why we crash.  Learning how to forgive ourselves for hiding our heart and not showing others who we truly are at a heart level is often where we need to start.  As we grow in wisdom we learn to pardon ourselves and others more readily remembering that most people spend the second half of their lives getting over the first.  We all have stuff we need to learn about ourselves, relationships and life in general.  If we don't admit it freely and remain open to learning, it is my view that old Mother Nature and Father Time will hold true to the emotional laws of gravity for us and let us go our own way until we crash, like a parent lets go of the two wheeler knowing that the child will need to crash a few times, before they master balance for themselves.

So as we head into the festive, holiday season unresolved relationship issues often rise to the surface for many.  Routines change, family gatherings beckon and partying is almost mandatory.  For those who don't want to sit with their hearts pain, they set themselves up for a crash over indulging in weapons of mass distraction in the silly season.  It is this time of year when the Royal Brisbane Hospital detox unit is often at its fullest. Over the past decade of running Emotional Fitness workshops within this unit, Christmas and New Years is the most emotionally charged time of the year, and many crash and yearn for more love and respect in their lives in December than at any other time.  If you or someone you love has a history of crashing and trashing themselves at this time of year, maybe it's time to consider being open to learning a new way to live?  Perhaps surrendering and asking for help is worth exploring?

Tears of gratitude are so sweet, and as I closed my eyes at the traffic lights I gave thanks for all the emotional crashes I have had in my past where my heart has yearned for a better life. 

"And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"

Surrendering and asking for help, then allowing myself to receive it will be a life process for me I am sure.   I have come so far and know there is so much more to learn and more to share with you my dear reader.  I also know that for us all myself included, that emotional falls are inevitable as we master each new decade there are new lessons for us all to learn.  Like Casey Stoner the motorcycle master, he has learned how to fall and not hurt himself, so must we.   The more a professional motorcyclist learns about his craft, the less he falls.  There is always room for improvement for me I thought to myself as the song continued, but my God life is pretty bloody good now, I rarely crash, and fall more gently on myself, hurting myself less each time. 

My elders tell me "the best is yet to come" ....

"As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go"

Emotional crashes where my ego has had to surrender to my hearts painful truth have bought me to where I am today.  That deeply peaceful and beautiful place where our hearts cup runneth over is our birthright, and where I was as I sat in my new well deserved chariot even if my music taste has remained uncool to some.

If you or someone you care about needs help or support and would like to obtain a copy of one of my books "A Helping Hand with Life, or Emotional Fitness, they are in all libraries across Australia and in some bookstores.  If you have trouble finding one, you can flick me an email to cynthia@emotionalfitness.com and order a personal copy which I will sign for you.  If you need to access support for yourself or a loved one especially at this time of year, also feel free to drop me a line and I will respond as soon as I am able.

Thank you for sharing this space with me I look forward to when our paths cross again.  For those of you like me trying to unlearn some of the self sabotaging lessons we were educated to believe were for our own good in our younger years, I have chosen this simple phrase from Albert Einstein as Word Vitamins for this month.

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."