Heart Fatigue

Yesterday I looked into the eyes of seventeen Australians in a Brisbane Hospital Detox Unit that looked like they had just survived a violent war.

And they had.

A war with themselves that nearly killed them.

"You are high achievers and it is a privilege for me to be sitting here with you today?" I began as the group of men and women sat in their hospital gowns in a semi circle around me.

"Trouble is when we have little heart strength we have to rely on our head and body to get us through life.   And ... when human beings disconnect from their heart they do heartless things to themselves and those around them." I explained.

A gentleman in the corner who had his black hoody over his hospital gown uncrossed his arms raised his head enough to make eye contact with me from under his hood.

"I know it probably feels like a bushfire has swept through your life and killed off everything.  However, it has been my experience that destruction is necessary at times in life and has to come before new construction can commence.  Just maybe the dead and rotting wood that was filling your life needed to be removed.  This is a sacred time.  The death of an old lifestyle and the birth of a new one." I looked around the room ensuring I held eye contact with every person present.

"I call you high achievers because we could fill Suncorp Stadium today with all of the alcoholics, drug and pill addicts living in Brisbane alone today.  However you are the only ones gutsy enough to show up.  You have my utmost respect and undivided attention.  Research tells us that between 3-5% of those with addictions ever make it into a lifestyle of recovery.  You have taken the first step.  Congratulations, it's an honour to have an hour with you today." My heart pumped hard with gratitude to have this privileged opportunity to address these brave souls.

"I travel around Australia and internationally speaking to many amazing people.  But you are the most courageous group I will meet this month." I shared.

This particular group of Australians have become very successful at self destruction.  Masters at the art of self sabotage in fact.  And it takes one to know one.  I have been clean and sober since October 12, 1995 and have my Masters Degree in Self Sabotage.   I did my detox at home, as I would not leave my kids or allow anyone to help me.  I was very sick indeed for about six weeks.  I had the electric flees (they feel like maggots consistently crawling on your skin), vomiting, diarrhea, nausea and sleepless nights for the first six weeks.

As I talked with this group yesterday I shared with them a recipe that I have observed can help strengthen a chronically fatigued heart.  I have been told countless times by past in patients throughout the 10 years I have been running this group at the Royal Brisbane Hospital that these tips work, if you choose to apply them.

I spoke of in my previous blog The Beautiful Brave Black Sheep about the three essential ingredients required to build and sustain a greater level of Emotional Fitness in anyone's life.

1. Safe Tribal Support (see The Beautiful Brave Black Sheep Blog)
2. Becoming Teachable (see Who's your Hope Masseuse? Blog)
3. Daily Self Care (this blog)

For anyone who identifies with heart fatigue these three tips may be helpful.  What is heart fatigue you may ask and how do you get it?

Well very few of us go through life without experiencing heart fatigue on some level.  There is nothing complex about understanding the feeling of being emotionally drained and tired.  This is very different from physical or intellectual fatigue.  Compare attending a funeral of a loved one, to running a marathon.  The heart feels heavy and tired after a funeral thus heart fatigue.  The body feels tired, but the heart may still feel elated after a marathon.

Of course there is a sliding scale let's say from one to ten of how much heart fatigue one may feel at any given time.  One being slight heart fatigue and ten being unbearable emotional pain and distress.

Different life issues affect people differently.  What might be a one for you, may be a ten for another person and seem like an overreaction on their behalf.  It all depends on how much unattended pain the heart is already carrying, how much emotional baggage that has yet to be unpacked.

For example a person who has lost a parent or sibling in childhood and never been able to process or unpack that pain carries a heavy load at a heart level.  As an adult they may over react to feelings of abandonment.

Another person may have been beaten and abused as a child by their elders.  Once grown you may have an adult that over reacts to figures of authority and is hypersensitive to criticism.

Weapons of mass distraction offer relief from heart fatigue and allow the individual a break from feeling.  Drugs, alcohol, sex, work, food, exercise, money and other external focuses provide head and body stimulus.  The heart and feelings of vulnerability and pain get locked away.

Emotional Trauma is a subject I spoke about in an interview I did last year on Channel 10's 9am Show.  After this interview that went to air nationally 700 Australians called in looking for more information about this subject. (See my home page to view this interview)

Many people are the walking wounded with chronic levels of heart fatigue and don't know what to do about it, or where and how to unpack their pain.

You may not have experienced a heart trauma such as death of a loved one, abuse, neglect, violence or lived with an addiction but still identify with having a fatigued heart.

Becoming a parent for the first time, second third of seventh time can fatigue the heart.  Children leaving home, starting a new job, retirement, puberty, menopause, health crises, bankruptcy, marriage, divorce and many other life challenges can fatigue our heart.

We just run out of emotional fuel and hit overwhelm.

So whatever the cause of your tired heart today going through this check list and making some constructive changes to your lifestyle will in time build your hearts strength and level of Emotional Fitness.  Like physical fitness, there is no quick fix.  We don't go to a gym once and become fit forever.  It takes a change in lifestyle, commitment, repetition and patience with ourselves and the process.

We are either in a loving marriage with our own hearts or divorced and not on speaking terms (see blog on Emotional Monogamy to explore more).  If you are looking to reconcile with yourself and stop the war with yourself, here are some basic reminders to consider.

1. 1. Safe tribal support. Who is in your life that loves and supports you for who you are not what you do? We only need one or two equals in our tribe, not a cast of thousands. A healthy heart tribe consists of others we feel equal to. There is no consistent rescuing of one party only. Support is always available equally for all tribe members. Laughter and tears, and connections about who you are not what we do are essential. Competition needs to be eliminated for equality to exist. Celebrating and honouring differences are what safe tribal support offers. These are also relationships that don't rely on weapons of mass distraction as connectors. These are people you feel heartfelt safety with and can communicate comfortably with without the aid of drugs and alcohol. If you currently don't have a safe tribal support network, this will compromise your emotional health and wellbeing. Everyone gets a tired heart from time to time. If we have no companions throughout life who we recharge and relax with we become isolated. Human beings are tribal creatures; it is your birthright and your emotional responsibility to install a safe tribe into your life.
2. 2. Becoming Teachable. Who are your safe elders? Who massage hope in your life? When we become tired and overwhelmed it is helpful to go to those who know us well and seek wise counsel. It is preferable that one male and one female are chosen by us to help us navigate emotionally through life. Too many elders giving advice can lead to confusion. If you ask ten wise elders for advice on an issue you are liable to get ten different answers. All will be wise but may be conflicting. If you need some tips on how to choose a safe elder see yesterdays blog (Who's your Hope Masseuse) for the top ten tips to consider when choosing who will become your hearts teachers.
3. 3. Daily Self Care. This is the final component required to ensure we build and maintain robust levels of Emotional Fitness. There are as many ways as there are people on this planet, to self care. Daily self care will protect us against overwhelming heart fatigue. In a nutshell what we require is a daily practice at the beginning and at the end of each day that builds feelings of peace and self respect. It is unhealthy to love someone who is consistently chaotic and disrespectful. If we are chaotic and disrespectful of ourselves this breeds discontentment and a lifestyle where we need to escape spending time with ourselves.

When I shared at the conclusion of yesterday's group, I emphasized the need for a lifestyle change that replaces daily acts of self sabotage with daily acts of self care.  I gave some examples of ways they might start to try commencing and concluding their new daily life in recovery with.  These are the top five that I recommend as a starting point as feedback over the years keeps voting these as the most effective in building self care and combating heart fatigue.

1. Prayer.  This does not require a religious faith.  Whatever you have faith in, and can anchor your heart with, as you speak out aloud in private, will have healing outcomes.  For some people GOD stands for many things.  I personally like the breakdown of the letters GOD into Great, Out Doors.  Mother Nature and Father Time collectively become the GOD I pray to.  I ask for strength and help every morning.  GOD could also stand for Getting Over Doubt, Good Orderly Direction or the word Love and God I have found are interchangeable.  Your love for a deceased family member, a child or even your pet may be a helpful focus point.  To build a healthy new relationship with your own heart, the sound of your own voice each day vibrating through your own body asking for help, is one of the most powerful ways of healing and building a real heart connection.
2. Meditation.  Meditation does not have to be complicated.  It is about providing space to listen to your own heart.  Prayer is speaking, Meditation is listening.  Any healthy relationship involves both modes of communication as connection points.   Mindfulness or Meditation, I believe, involves you being present to you, quietly.  Just observing the traffic that travels through your head, and body with the eyes and ears of your heart.  I will write a blog about Meditation in the near future for those that would like me to expand on this more.
3. Music.  Speaks to the head and heart.  Choosing new music choices that massage feelings of hope and empowerment and listening to them daily also have an amazing impact on our emotional wellbeing.
4. Art.  Love, beauty and hope are emotionally nutritious ways to feed a tired heart.  Filling your world with visions of beauty is a great lifestyle habit.  Some of my most valuable art pieces are from my sons hands whilst they were at kindergarten.  My home is filled with photographs of my loved ones.  My desk is surrounded by clippings, postcards and cheap and cheerful nick knacks I have collected over the years that I treasure as art forms.  A beautiful shell or stone that you find on a morning walk is Mother Nature's work of art.  Fresh flowers are art work.  Anything that touches you on a sensory level (sight, smell, taste, touch and sound) with pleasure and delight is art.
5. Colour.  Is a silent but powerful language that communicates to the human heart and energises a tired heart.  Many people when they start to learn how to combat heart fatigue notice for the first time that colour is lacking in their world.  They have shut down.  Safe blacks, whites and neutral tones dictate their self expression.  They have lost their connection to the rainbow of the heart.  Bringing into your daily life new colour choices will change mood and perception far more than you might anticipate.  Even flowers, pillowcases, underwear or a piece of wool around your wrist can be baby steps.  Colour provides a portal for the heart to breathe and connect with the outer world.  Just raising your awareness about this subject in your world will help you learn more about yourself and your feelings.  As Janice Glennaway so succinctly put it, "Like emotions, colours are a reflection of life."

Thanks for spending time with me again today.  I look forward to connecting with you again when you get time.  My Word Vitamins for today to nourish my heart and hopefully yours are below.  Until next time....

"Colour is fun; colour is just plain gorgeous, a gourmet meal for the eye, the window of the soul." Rachel Wolf