Terminal Uniqueness

I first heard this term 14 years ago when I started attending drug and alcohol recovery groups to clean up my own life.  So it concerns me when I still see people killing themselves as their ego clings to this belief like mine did.

“No I am better than them; you don’t understand it is different for me”.  The line usually goes something like that and then the victim dialogue begins.

“If you had a wife (feel free to insert any of the following: husband, child, partner, childhood, mother, father, sister, brother, life, boss, health or financial problem) like I do you would need to drink and or drug like me too!

The recovery line sometime used to attempt to wake those adults up who are sleepwalking through life, taking no responsibly for themselves, still believing that they are a powerless child is:

Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!

This belief kills people.  The illusion that if the outside world changed and people and the world stopped doing stuff to them, then they would have a happy life.  Quite frankly is dangerous bullshit.

“Anyway I could stop if I want to, I just don’t want to” is another favourite line often used to justify unhealthy habits.

I used to say this one too because I didn’t want to stop self medicating and hiding, because I too deep down believed that I really was terminally unique.  I thought I was dumb, undeserving, less than everybody else and quite crazy. And also that nobody had lived my life and had my troubles, so they could never fully understand.

The truth is when I was out of it, I did do dumb things.  I believed I was undeserving of respect because I treated myself and others with so little.  I was not undeserving of forgiveness and a better life, everybody deserves a wonderful life, but I thought my name was left off of the list because I was a burden to the world.  And yes I was crazy with fear at times, these days I am still a bit fruity but I love that about myself …… we can all change.

The phrase ‘terminal uniqueness’ came to mind yesterday again as Mr. Delicious (my husband) and I smiled at each other as we watched our dear friends do the same dance we often do.  We were all getting ready to walk out the door of our holiday apartment in Noosa to head to the Eumundi Markets when Dan said to Lily.

“Now Lily,” he paused for a moment to place his hands on his hips and contain his frustration.

“Where have you put the cream for my foot?” he continued in an annoyed tone.

“I have looked everywhere, now you have put it somewhere and I can’t find it, and I need it now to put on before we go” he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“Have you looked in the bathroom?” Lily didn’t look up from her reading remaining quiet and calm with a hint of ‘here we go again’ in her voice.

“Yes, Lily I have looked in the bathroom, and in my bags, and everywhere else in the unit, you have put it somewhere, where have you put it?” Dan’s frustration heightened as he sensed she knew he hadn’t looked properly and wanted her to stop her reading and get up and help him.

“You might need to have a wife look Lily?” I suggested finding it difficult to hide my smile as Lily peered over the pages she was trying to read and playfully rolled her eyes.

She stood up and walked into their bedroom without a word.

“She’s like a blood hound” Dan proudly smirked at us both

Only seconds later Lily returned with it in her hand and firmly placed it on the table next to Dan.  She plopped herself back in her chair and returned to her reading.

“Where did you find that?” Dan asked incredulously.

“Standing up on the bathroom shelf sticking out like dogs balls, is where I found it!” she looked him dead in the eye, then smiled with a mix of love and frustration at his childlike blindness.

“Ooh, I was looking for something that was lying down” Dan sheepishly explained.

“Thank you my darling Lily, can you believe it, I could not see it right in front of me” he was genuinely grateful.

“Yes Dan, strangely enough, I can believe it” she shook her head and nestled back into her reading.

It was comforting to watch another couple have almost the same conversation Mr. Delicious and I regularly have when he can’t find his car keys, wallet, and glasses.

We all laughed out loud after Dan and Lily’s little morning tête-à-tête and at the familiar dances we all do often in quiet exasperation thinking our relationship tangles are unique.  Whenever I watch a commercial about a couple in a car getting lost and the squabbling that goes on,  I giggle.  It is a relief to see it is a universal dance human beings do with each other, and in a way it is validating and comforting.

For someone like me who really believed for so many years I did not belong, I was wrong, strange and flawed and different from everyone else kept my heart disconnected and sad.  It is reassuring nowadays for me to have gentle reminders witnessing friends like Dan and Lilly normalise challenges I too face in relationships.  I know now, I am nor ever was I terminally unique.  I am not always wrong, but always human.  Not knowing this about ourselves is fatal for some, as it disconnects the heart from its tribe of humanity and also from humour.  A sad and lonely heart is the reason I believe for the majority of problems that people face today.

One of my main focus points when I address a conference or talk with someone privately about their heart fatigue or trauma, is to help them understand they are not alone.  Human beings before them and many people from this day forward will struggle too with very similar heart issues they might be facing.  They can and do recover.

On a heart level, I believe, we are all the same.  It matters not your age, gender or culture when you feel love and fear.  The joy of a birth or the grief of a death hits us all on a heart level the same way.

So whether it is a light hearted frustration with loved ones, or a dark and dangerous fear you are facing you are not the first.  You are not terminally unique and that is a good and healthy thing.  Hearts heal and dance again when they have the consistent and loving support to do so.

Gentle and nourishing words have been my most constructive healers.  Listening and speaking, reading and writing new and constructive hope fuelled words have healed my fatigued and frightened heart.  And I have worked with thousands of others over the years and been privileged to watch them detox their fear and refuel with love.

It is my intention, to the best of my ability to make this space, my blog and my forthcoming third book, a place for you to receive a gentle heart massage of hope each day or each time you visit my words, in a way of me being able to give back or pay it forward whichever way you like to look at it.  As many, many authors, strangers, my children and heart family have done so for me.

I can hear Mr. Delicious downstairs packing up our holiday love nest as we leave Noosa today to head home to Bris Vegas, so I must go and help.  It has been a joy sharing my holiday break with you.  I am off to speak at the Royal Brisbane Hospital Detox Unit tomorrow to resume my the work I have been doing with them for ten years now.  I will be conducting my first “heart massage” group for 2010.  So a great way to start my working week tomorrow.  So I will hopefully catch up with you soon back in Brisbane.

But for now until our paths cross again I wish your heart love and light if fear and darkness trip you up along the way.  Here are the Word Vitamins I will be taking today as I sit in peak holiday traffic on my drive home to keep a light heart, sit back and enjoy the journey.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”                                     Dr Martin Luther King Jr.