Let's do Moderation in Moderation?

When I hear statements like "just do everything in life in balance" it can sometimes be a clue that the person dishing out the advice, might just be a perfectionist setting an unachievable benchmark for you and me to try to live up to.  Some people are great at talking the talk, but not so impressive when it comes to walkin' the walk.  

Are we really all striving to do everything in life in balance all the time? That's a big ask!

Perfectionist, elite achiever, obsessive compulsive, fanatical, driven and pedantic are not words we usually link to one who can claim to always be balanced about balance.  I have worked with a vast range of elite athletes, highly successful corporate leaders, celebrities and addicts on improving their level of Emotional Fitness.  I have found not some, but all use adjectives like these when describing themselves and how they approach life.  I also observe that these people seem to colour outside of the lines society often draws.  They live extraordinary lives.  They put that bit extra, the outside the line extra effort, into ordinary every day things.

So what constitutes healthy balance and moderation for one person might just clip the wings of another and deprive their heart of the ability to soar in life.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that we throw balance and moderation out of the window for one minute.  God knows I did that for the first 33 years of my life and ended up at age 33, 15 years ago, wedged between a wardrobe and a wall in a psyche hospital at 16 months clean and sober. 

I emotionally collapsed. 

Drugs, drama and alcohol had been external emotional crutches I relied on for many years.  When they were removed, I found I had no idea how to do life in moderation and with balance, for I had no internal emotional strength nor structure.  I had in my addictive wisdom scoffed at those beige individuals that were able to moderate their self care and treat themselves and their fellow man with balanced respect.  One part of me was secretly envious of those that had the ability to stay within the safety of the lines society recommends.  However there was also the colourful, brave and unconventional dimension of my personality that I cherished and did not want to sacrifice in order to live a beige, safe life and become an appropriate, normal human being.

I have spent more than a decade building my own internal emotional strength so I now have a reliable internal structure to empower me. When I am working with clients, teens or conference delegates who are keen to learn about this process, I note that often on one hand they crave a passion filled, meaningful, productive and love enriched life, but are also looking to master balance and moderation.  So we start at the beginning where honest self appraisal becomes necessary with the basics.   The fundamental issues we all need to address in life are love and our human spirit, food, sex, finances, health, purpose and relationships.   Let's consider for a moment, what we would recommend as moderate balanced behavior for an Olympian athlete, a busy working parent, a globetrotting executive or celebrity, recovering addict, teenager, pensioner or you and I? 

All day, every day?

Where is the safe and healthy middle ground for all? And where are the dangerous sharp edges?

I am just not convinced there is a one size fits all answer to these complexities.  At different ages and throughout different stages of life our need for sleep, food, sex, security, connection, hard work and recreation varies.  Sure we can quote the basics of 8 hours sleep, 3 meals a day (or is it 5 now, depends on which magazine you read), 8 glasses of water a day, meat or no meat, carbs or no carbs, a glass of wine a day (if you're not an recovering alcoholic like me that is) exercise 3 times a week (unless you are an elite athlete, if so you would be out of a job for a lack of self discipline and commitment). 

And then what about SEX...?

Well there's a loaded question when it comes to balance and moderation!  Nobody really has the right I believe to dictate on anyone else's behalf (to each their own, and whatever works for you is my view as long as you are living with integrity remembering to first do no harm to self and others).

Is swimming in a pool 6 hours a day or training for hours on end in a gym, working through the night on a groundbreaking project, or travelling the globe repeatedly a balanced life?  Are those that create and achieve above and beyond the 'norm' what we would describe as moderate people?

As a recovering drug addict, alcoholic who has now been clean and sober for almost 15 years, I am most definitely a person who needs to asses where my middle ground is and address moderate balanced behavior to the best of my ability, every day. 

This subject is close to my heart. 

For from one day to the next I need to remain flexible and willing to reassess how much emotional and physical fuel the day ahead requires and balance what works for me to fit what is required of me.

When we are venturing into new territory of the heart and learning how to be and do well in a new emotional or physical environment, it helps to be patient with ourselves as we find out where the edges of this issue are for us.   Knowing where not to go is as important information for the heart to gather as is knowing where to go. 

For many of us experiential learners, a balanced life must include pockets of imbalance to be filed away as reference points for the future.  Some pockets of imbalance might be deeper and bigger than others lasting days, months and even years depending on the life lesson we are endeavoring to master.  Learning how to moderate behaviours for many who cherish experiential learning over just taking somebody else's word for it, involves finding out what non moderated behavior feels like as a part of their research. 

I have never been a person to obey or follow others blindly, often to my detriment, for I used to be unteachable.  If I was told not to put my hand on a hot plate so I didn't burn myself, if I didn't know what a burn felt like, I would need to place my hand there so I could have a sensory experience.  Then I would file it away and learn, and yes have a wound as a result.  I have inflicted many unnecessary and some very necessary wounds on my own heart as a result, that's the down side.  However the upside for me is that I have ventured into places that angels fear to tread, and thank God, fairies showed up and kept me safe enough to find my way out and tell the tale.  The result is a heart I am comfortable to trek often and explore new emotional territory regularly, and have many wonderful adventures to recall, share and learn from.

These days I am more teachable and therefore better at self care, being cautious and checking in with my hearts basic H.A.L.T. system. It reminds me to stop and keep myself safe.  It's my first do no harm emotional insurance policy with myself. 

If I am in the midst of a learning curve and my heart is exploring new territory I ensure to the best of my ability that I am balanced about observing H for hunger, A for Anger, L for loneliness and T for Tiredness.   I need to assess these issues on a day to day basis for when I am emotionally working out and trekking a new path in my heart.   Like physical exercise, I can become emotionally fatigued, or alternatively empowered during and after the event. 

If it is a new experience it is often a suck it and see, trial and error approach I need to take.  Sometimes my heart pumps so heavily with inspiration I stay up for long hours in the night and write when one might normally sleep.  Other times, I need to go to bed at 7pm for I am so overtired.  No two days are exactly the same for me and for that I am grateful.  However self care is the thread that now holds my life together, whereas in my previous years, self sabotage dominated.

On some days with my hunger, in relation to food, I need to eat five small meals a day to keep my blood sugar balanced, on other days, my body prefers less.  I might need to eat red meat at certain times of the month, or lots of greens or fresh fresh at other times.  Then there are my favourite food groups, chocolate, cake and ice-cream.  Sometimes the best form of balanced self care for me is to let go of regimented structured eating (small pockets of time are preferable but not always acheived), and have ice cream for dinner.  I need choice and change to massage my heart.  The same patterns day in, day out in life I find colourless and boring.

The same goes for managing my anger, a one size fits all approach won't always work for me.  I need to be honest with myself, and then honour my truth when I get angry.  I also need to remember that to be a balanced human being I need to own and process my anger if and when it arises.  Sometimes that means having a yell, a cry, writing it out, putting myself to bed, talking it out or having a sulk and allowing myself to be imbalanced.  During angry times I do my best to ensure I first do no harm to myself and other, this is my preferred outcome, but not yet always achieved.  I am getting better however, at not get angry at myself for experiencing anger.

The loneliness when it arises for me can be about many different things.  Sometimes it's due to too much travel and work commitments, other times its due to childhood grief, or self induced disconnection and isolation.  When this occurs I need to address it with a range of solutions.  I may need to write to connect with my own heart, talk or admit I need to surrender to intimate love making with my husband.   Sometimes spontaneous meditation is the solution, which involves for me refreshing my connection with Mother Nature and Father Time.

Tiredness can be from just being slack and not going to bed and watching crap on the television because I am too tired to actually get up and put myself to bed.  Other times it can be emotional or physical fatigue and the remedy for these might range from getting a massage, having a cry and even, yep you guessed it, going to bed and catching up on sleep.

If you are in the midst of a new emotional learning curve I write this blog in an attempt to remind you to be patient with yourself if you become unbalanced and unable to moderate your feelings in the beginning and even down the track.  Very few of us do anything new with grace and balance in life, all the time, every time.  Just reflect on the first time you rode a two wheeler push bike, or learned to drive a car?  Most of us are awkward, unbalanced and uncool at new stuff  and even stuff we have been doing for ages at times.

Remembering to moderate perfectionism might be useful if you find yourself in a new relationship that involves going into territory of your heart that you have never ventured into and explored before.  Or with a new job, a new experience or even an old behavior and lifestyle you are moving on from.   

New phases of life like getting married, having children, getting divorced, turning 21, 30, 40, 50 or 80 are also times when we might find ourselves feeling out of our depth and unable to balance new feelings. 

If we choose to keep growing and learning about our own hearts and about others, it is helpful to remember to have a balanced view about balance, and ensure we do moderation in moderation.  For if we become obsessed about always being balanced, that is not a balanced approach to life, but an obsessive one.  If we punish ourselves when we have not been able to master moderation immediately or for some human reason 'dropped the ball' in life or sinned (which is an old archery term which simply means missing the mark or bulls eye, so when an archer missed the balls eye it was called a sin).  So if you like me are a regular sinner, and still very much a work in progress, take heart, you are not alone.

I am in no danger of becoming a saint these days, and am also pleased to report I have not turned into a beige person either.   My hearts true colours are clearer and brighter than ever before, and I still have no interest in becoming normal.

If we can be patient with ourselves when we are impatient, not get angry at ourselves for experiencing anger, not judge ourselves as less than others when we observe our own judgmental behaviours, we then have a chance at peace with ourselves and that dominos on to peace with others. 

So next time you are having ice-cream for dinner, staying up too late watching crappy TV getting angry at the remote for not doing as you command, judging the actors on the show for being unimpressive and feeling impatient with the person sitting next to you because they are just too damned happy with themselves, try to put down the whip of self disappointment.  Try something new and see if you can give yourself permission to just be you, as you are right then and there.  Maybe even try to let yourself smile, because it is your imperfections that in my view, make you uniquely and perfectly you.

I would like to leave you with these wise pink Word Vitamins below from Janis Joplin to ponder.   I also want to thank those of you that write in and leave your comments, I love hearing from you on the other side of my laptop screen so please keep them coming.

I am on another plane headed towards Alice Springs as I close this blog, to speak at another Step Up Event which I am really looking forward to.  I just learned that over the past 8 years that I have been involved with donating my time to Step Up which is a two day event for teens, I  have presented to over 17,000 teenagers around Austraila and in New Zealand.  What a privilige it has been. Having you to write to has been such a treat on this long flight, so thanks for visiting and sharing your time with me here again.  I look forward to keeping in touch and will write again soon.

"Don't compromise yourself; you're all you've got"