A Superiority Complex?

We hear a lot about inferiority complexes, you know, when one person feels less than another, and pedestals the other party, but what about the superiority complex? We all know, and if we can be absolutely honest with each other, we at times have all been, one of those people who character assassinate others in order to blow wind up our own arse and feel better or more superior than other mere mortals. 

Those inflicted with the illusion of a superiority complex spend a great deal of time and energy making comparisons as to how others behave as being inferior to what they would have done.  Clues within speech patterns to help detect a superiority complex in action sound like:

"I would never have....."

"Now if that was me, I would have ..."

"She doesn't deserve ...."

"He is not worth ...."

"Who do you think you are?  I am on this level, you are down here..."

"Oh yes, they are definitely OOOCD"

I had never heard the OOOCD tag until I was invited to a luncheon with a group of women I did not know well.  When one of them commented on a new man an absent woman was dating the above sentence was uttered.  When I asked what it meant I was whispered to me with a giggle that it was an acronym for Out Of Our Class Darling and was used for those in the know to update each other when new people entering their circle did not quite measure up.  I wondered as I sat there as the only openly sober recovering alcoholic and drank my mineral water instead of getting pissy with them and their excessively expensive French champagne, if I earned that title too when I left the table. 

What comments like these do is create emotional distance, inequality and argument.  When we use this language we are more interested in inflaming conflict than creating closeness.  As I write this blog about superiority complexes I do so with compassion for myself and others who have been caught in this trap.  For becoming superior, judgmental and self righteous about those operating within a superiority complex just makes us the very thing we are concerned about.

Becoming born again about self enlightenment just makes us a pain in the arse to others.  If you choose to self study and become a better person that is your birthright.  If those around you choose to stay the same and do no self study, that is their birthright.  We need to live and let live by accepting others where they are, as they are, and if that is not a healthy fit for us, we as adults can choose to move on and leave them to their journey.  As you might have guessed, I didn't accept a second lunch invitation with those ladies I chose to move on, and I am sure they have too as I was not a fit for the OOOCD set.

If we would like to have a positive influence on those we love, we must live by example, for the law of attraction is far more efficient than any invasive self promotion.  By all means I believe in sharing generously with what you learn with those who ask you and choose to join you on this journey.   This is what I attempt to do to the best of my ability with my books, workshops and blogs.  But unsolicited advice nobody will thank you for.  Like a religious zealot knocking on your door on a Sunday morning, it is invasive and unasked for and more likely to repel than attract others.  Yes of course, the golden rule is, there are no golden rules, and as I share my words, I simply share and absolutely defend your right to disagree with me every step of the way.  Some people do like to have things forced down their throats and have others invade their personal space and dictate what and who they should be without invitation, so yes, I am generalizing.

I have observed that if we feel threatened in some way, emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, spiritually or intellectually, we can sometimes give our personal power away to the party we perceive is threatening us.  If on some level we agree with, admire, envy or believe that they actually might really be more powerful than we are, and we make ourselves wrong as a result of that conclusion... a superiority complex is sometimes a knee jerk reaction that arises, until we learn better habits on how to emotionally self care.  Often in order to camouflage and deny our true feelings, we focus on the other party, instead of dealing with our own truth.  We compare our insides with their outsides.  Sometimes it can get as insane as comparing a small component of another's world like their car, career, physique or shoes with the total value of ourselves.  When we look at a small superficial element of another, and compare it with the totality of who we are on every level, this is quite simply nothing less than emotional self harm.

It is however, a far more seductive option I have found to blame, shame or distance myself from the party I perceive is threatening me, than to find the discipline to calmly assert myself or leave them to be just different from me, not better nor worse, and to remember my own value.    When we put another human being down it is a simple reminder, and alarm to help us remember that we are doing so because on some level we feel threatened.  The most important and useful response I have found to ask myself when I feel threatened is why.  To pause and actually take the time to sit with myself as I would a troubled friend, and feel my way through the fear coaxing myself with compassion, not harsh judgment.  Yes easier said than done.

The other party has challenged either our morals, integrity, our value system of ourselves or our security.  So it is more constructive for us to pause and take time to address what we are feeling, for if we don't, sometimes in order to protect ourselves from this perceived threat we can become destructive.  We can become, the very thing we are complaining about.   For example when a mother reprimands her emotionally immature child (the natural state for a child by the way) with punishing words and a critical tone by saying:

"You are such a thoughtless, undeserving, insensitive child" the mother becomes the very thing she is accusing the child of.  She is not leading by example, but becoming a part of a bigger problem for the growing child.

When we say to a lover "How dare you speak down to me you are such a self righteous, condescending bully" the very words we have just spoken mirror the very behavior we are complaining about.  This sentence is condescending, self righteous verbal bullying in action.  Just because we don't yell, it doesn't make us better.  We may be trying to convince ourselves and them that we are the superior party for pointing out their character defects, but when we become the very thing we complain about whilst we do it, resolution goes out the window and arguments escalate.

As long as we continue to look for the worst in ourselves and others, we will attract others who also will look for the worst in us and themselves.  Our relationships like it or not, are always simply emotional mirrors.  We choose people in life who agree with our views, so our ego can remain right and then there is no need to change or invest in hope or effort.  If we fearfully believe we are innately flawed, undeserving and unlovable at our core, this fear fuelled belief will consistently drain our energy, and be mirrored back to us. 

It is interesting for me to observe in my own marriage that when I give myself quality time and take good care of myself that my husband is drawn to spend time with me like a magnet.  When I am too busy, over worked, skipping meals and not sleeping enough, so not looking after myself in other words, I notice that my husband seems to spend more time rowing or working on weekend projects.  If I hear myself complaining that he doesn't seem to want to spend as much quality time with me, it is always a reminder, that I have been neglecting to spend quality time with myself first, and he is simply mirroring that back to me. If we don't invest in enjoying our own company and taking good care of ourselves, others will not find our company appealing, it's simple to understand just not easy to maintain and inconvenient to remember.

Until we own our personal internal power, we will constantly seek temporary substitutes in external sources.   I have found throughout my years of experience in misusing people, places and pleasures like drugs, alcohol, food, men, money and being busy, that these types of external power sources are unreliable and unsustainable.  I have learned through my own recovery and from working with many others, that power sought from external sources never helps or saves us long term; it hurts us and eventually abandons us.  What starts out being a short term solution as we rely on an external source of power, is destined to become a long term problem that will only drain us and send us emotionally bankrupt.

It takes a deep commitment to choose to truly commit to saving your own life.  No-one else I have found within my personal past experiences of relying on people, places and pleasures has the power to save me, except me.  I have to plug into the source within me and connect to that inexhaustible solar energy of the spirit, rather than rely on external sources that like batteries always go flat at the most inconvenient times, when you need your power the most.

Having faith in love instead of faith in fear has a reverse effect on the quality of life that we live.  What I once used to think were impossible dreams for someone like me, have become more than possibilities, they have become realities.  I am living so many of my dreams at the ripe old age of 48 that sometimes I hit overwhelm, drop to my knees and cry in gratitude.  Honestly.

A secure person does not suffer from superiority nor inferiority complex.  When we are able to recharge from the inside our personal source of power we do not become threatened by another's empowered presence.  We are then able to celebrate the opportunity for successful and joyful collaboration or partnership that it offers us.  For the presence of another empowered human being choosing to enter our world mirrors what we know we have available within ourselves to call upon.  It is exciting for human potential grows exponentially as empowered people unite for a constructive cause. 

Look at the Live Aid concerts, Green Peace and all of the wonderful charities that are driven by empowered hearts with a united vision.

It takes a commitment toward self care to enable our heart to love deeply but not naively, with the full understanding that love can offer none of us guarantees whether it is for a child, a pet, a family member or a lover.  For whom we love today, might be gone tomorrow.  Love is a privilege, a luxury and a daily commitment that we first need to make within ourselves before we can attract it into our lives. It is said that love, like bread, needs to be made fresh each day. 

One day at a time.

That old school yard phrase is very true when it comes to this universal law of attraction and that is 'it takes one to know one'.

Perhaps when we get let down by loving external people, places and pleasures it is an opportunity for us to view the experience as emotional growth rather than punishment.  Perhaps the lesson is given to us so we will eventually learn to at last rely only on connecting to the source within us.  This is the only source that like the sun even on a cloudy day, will be there for us to bring light, as reliable as oxygen and gravity to help recharge tired and wounded hearts with love again when fear knocks us down, so we can get up and face a new day with new opportunities.

For recovering alcoholics and drug addicts this source is simply called a power greater than yourself, that you access ironically within your own heart.  Others spiritual conduits are known as Jesus, Buddha or a God of our personal understanding.  For me over the past 15 years of my personal recovery journey that internal source I connect to each morning, throughout the day and give thanks to at the close of my day is simply Mother Nature and Father Time.  The word G O D for me simply breaks down into G for Great, O for Out and D for Doors.  I have never been let down or abandoned by this source, there has always been oxygen for me to breathe, and gravity to keep me grounded, and an endless source of love, balance and beauty.

The concept of God is not for everyone's palate so I often just replace the word God with Love when helping another to find the best way for them to access their internal source. 

I will leave you with some Word Vitamins from one of my most favourite writers Marianne Williamson.  If you have not read any of her work, do yourself a favour!  Three of my bedside treasures that she has written are A Return to Love, A Woman's Worth and The Age of Miracles. Thanks for visiting me here again this week; I look forward to hearing your comments and to when our paths cross again.

"People come and sometimes they go, but love remains, if it remains in you."