Private & Professional Partnership Pitfalls

When it comes to working with lovers, friends, family or spouses it can sometimes be a delicate emotional balancing act.  It requires a sensitive but robust emotional structure.  It is so easy to slide into the habit of bringing personal issues into the workplace and professional problems into the home.

A crossover of professional and personal issues in the workplace at times is inevitable.   A death or chronic illness in the family, brings personal issues into the workplace that need to be addressed.  The reverse may also occur with a career altering deadline or unique travel opportunity that eats into private time, that in the long run is beneficial for our personal life.  It is when the crossover of our professional life into our personal world happens consistently that emotional balance, privacy and peace of mind are compromised.

They say that pain is the gift that nobody wants, but that pain is one of life's most effective teachers.  I am one of those people that don't always learn willingly.  I am what I like to call an experiential learner.  I don't usually make tough decisions that require change gracefully because I am wise enough to see the light and move towards it.  I tend to need to feel the heat of a destructive fire up my arse before I will make a move forward.

If someone just tells me not to do something, if it does not make sense to me, in the past I would do it anyway, to find out for myself.  Forbidden fruit has always had a lure for the emotional explorer within me.  However, these days after years of having ingested more toxic and bitter lessons that one probably needs to in one lifetime through my rebellious arrogance, I now listen more to my wise elders and am slowly becoming increasingly teachable.  And, much to my relief, I get emotionally burned out less!

For example, I was warned in my 30's not to work with a close friend and make her my Personal Assistant by my therapist, my emotional male elder, but in all my wisdom, I chose not to listen to him.  He also warned me not to let her move in with me, but hey, I ignored that too.  I have also worked with in-laws and lovers in my past life and all these businesses limped as a result and met with an upsetting end.   I did not have the emotional tools to install solid personal boundaries and self care back then.

I learned my lessons the hard way.  Relationships ended, hearts got wounded, and businesses suffered.    Moving a little further down the track in my working career after being burned for being too bloody minded, I finally understood more about who I am and how I work best at work.  So when an opportunity came up to offer one of my grown sons a position within my Foundation in my early 40's, I actually listened to the advice from the wise elders on my Board of Management and did not go ahead with it.

My son was not sure what he wanted to do for work as he was not ready to go to University, and was just speaking out aloud to me over lunch one day asking for suggestions.  I wanted to pop on my Supermum cape and fix his life for him.   So, I put this idea to my Board as a suggestion, and this time I listened with a wiser heart and took their advice.  My son did not really care either way, and found work the following week.  I am so glad I finally became teachable.

These days in my late 40's I just say no straight up, to working with my children, husbands, extended family or close friends.  With my style of personality, I simply prefer clear boundaries between personal and professional relationships.  To thine own self be true; this is just what works best for me.

I would personally find it impossible to remove my "mother cap" if one of my sons was in the work place with a sad face and heavy heart after a break up with a girlfriend or problem with their band.  My instinct is to be mother first and foremost.  It is my strongest instinct that I am unable to suppress.  I would put my work day on hold and be unable to ignore him.  I would cancel meetings consistently and put him first.  Call me a smother mother if you like; I just know myself and my hearts Achilles' heels well.

The same would apply for me with my husband, Mr. Delicious.  If we had issues that needed to be resolved at home, or I just felt playful and smoochy, I could not turn off my heart and soldier on at work looking at him.  However when I work alone, I can get on with my day and be incredibly productive, as his presence and energy are not distracting me.

With girlfriends I too find them such a delight and would much prefer to chat about life, relationships and children than get a deadline done.  If they had an issue with their kids, lover or ex husband I would not be able to ignore them and get on with the job at hand.

If you recognize own heart with similar boundaries to mine, then I would strongly suggest you take time considering merging your personal and professional life.

However, some people do manage to work with spouses, family members and close friends well, but these people are in the minority.  Personal partnerships in the professional arena do work for those who know themselves well and are able to put principles before personalities in the work place.  These people subconsciously know about the three dimensions within what I like to call the RRR, PPP and SSS model.  They instinctively know how to honour themselves and their personal partnerships professionally in the work place.  They have a work ethic or a code of conduct that remains intact regardless of whom they work with.  I have also found within these partnerships a healthy sense of humour is ever present. 

If you feel there is room for improvement when it comes to your relationships in the workplace regardless of whether they are with a personal partner, a family member or strangers, this visual boundary model might be useful. 

This three dimensional model I personally use for professional boundaries in the workplace and it has served me, my colleagues and my staff extremely well.     I hope this may be of use to you too.

Robust Rhino Rules RRR - Dimension One

Yep.  Visualise a strong fully grown rhinoceros.  This can be you.  A rhino does not have to charge toward anyone to communicate he is standing firm to protect his territory.  

There are emotional deal breakers in the work place for us all.  These are the boundaries that are non-negotiable for you. They will vary from individual to individual.  Do you know what your personal no go zones are in the workplace are, and do you hold true to your own heart with them? 

Chances are if you don't, others that work with you won't either, for you set the bar.  This will result in people stampeding your hearts personal territory without your consent.  An emotionally robust adult stands firm and fiercely loyal to their emotionally territory, like the Robust Rhino.  They know how to respectfully assert themselves and hold their emotional ground and self respect, without becoming passive or aggressive.   We must teach people how to treat us in the workplace to ensure we don't give our personal power away.  It is our emotional responsibility to defend our desire to remain professional and not compromise our emotional privacy or become distracted or disrespected at work. 

If you don't know where to start with installing Dimension One, have a think about those you admire around you and the way they work.   How do they conduct themselves?  What do they and don't they talk about?

Robust Rhino Rules are about preserving emotional territory.  Drawing up the emotional boundaries that remind others of where they finish and you begin. 

These are my top three non-negotiable RRR boundaries in the workplace that might be useful for you to evaluate.

1. No discussions about my sex life with anyone at any time

2. No discussions that involve character assassination of others

3. No discussions about my personal financial situation

These are pretty much non-negotiables for me in the workplace, they help me stay efficient and not compromise my time, privacy or self respect.  Have a think about what your top three Robust Rhino Rules might be, and if you want to document them use the blank spaces below. 

If you are already working with a person you are emotionally connected with outside the workplace it becomes even more important Dimension One is in place for both parties.   

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Patient Powerful Peacock PPP - Dimension Two 

Once again take time to use your hearts eyes.  Visualize a divinel peacock with its tail fully fanned open.  Magnificent with its powerful and peace filled presence. 

How you carry your emotional energy and make quality connections with others impacts greatly on the amount of respect and consideration you give and receive at work.  We all have the ability to become more patient and personally empowered in the work place. 

These PPP are boundaries that are not deal breakers like the RRR boundaries; they are more about deal makers.  Just as important is this second dimension for it offers a point of connection, neutral territory and enable us to maintain an honourable working relationship with self and others.  They are areas at work that offer both you, your partner and colleagues the opportunity to learn, connect and collaborate. 

These are my top three PPP boundaries when working with others.

1. Intentionally saying good morning and good evening with a smile and letting other people know when I will be unavailable and for how long when necessary.

2. Making pupil contact when communicating and taking deliberate time to listen and share about general life topics during coffee or lunch room breaks with others.

3. Saying sorry when necessary if I have made a mistake or misunderstood a communication and ensuring when I disagree with others not to become disagreeable or disrespectful during the interaction.

My Patient Powerful Peacock boundaries help me learn about those I work with ensuring I don't become an unapproachable stranger in the workplace.   Choosing my own timeframes and convenient neutral places to connect with others helps me not become a target for those "have a chat" personalities that will find any excuse to talk rather than work. 

Have a think about what your top three PPP boundaries might be.   Social interaction is important as it keeps us connected and humanitarian warmth in the workplace.

If you are already in a working partnership with someone from your personal life, ensure these professional courtesies are also in place that provide the right time and place for private chit chat.  Of course remembering the RRR no go zones are to be honoured at all times when communicating at work. 

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Silent Sanity Savers - Dimension Three

These are the boundaries that I include within my work ethic model to ensure a sense of calm remains in my workplace.  This third dimension is more about silent action than verbal communication.

Instead of a rhino or peacock, when thinking SSS boundaries in the workplace, think of a beautiful Sunrise or Sunset.  Visualise this silent and peaceful time and how your heart responds to its sacred and soothing beauty.

A work place needs to have times and space for joy, appreciation of life and gentle pleasures.  Sometimes space is an issue, and if this is the case, we can still install the SSS dimension at our desk or work station.  Visual sanctuaries to massage the heart when the head hits overload in my experience are truly sanity savers.  

These are my top three SSS boundaries that I maintain when working with others.  Recognising others achievements, and daily self care are all included in this third dimension.

1. Fresh flowers are a must on my desk to greet all who come to talk with me in my office with colour and beauty as a silent visual stress reliever.  Photos of loved ones faces on my desk to anchor my heart and re balance myself, when my head gets over loaded.

2. Ensuring I know and remember birthdays of colleagues so I can leave a cupcake, card or small gift on their desk to let them know I value them and genuinely care.

3. Dressing myself as a professional woman setting a standard of self respect, integrity and colourful style to celebrate what it is to proudly and unashamdedly embrace feminity in the workplace.

What do you deliberately do in the work place to ensure you bring gentleness and heartfelt beauty to you and your colleague's day? Does your desk, office and dress sense promote a professional stress free message?  If not, what could you do to improve in this area?

Once again if you are working with others whom you have a personal relationship with outside of working hours, ensure you make the effort to bring calm and welcoming energy into the work environment, and leave any tensions from home at home.

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When we work with others regardless of whether they are  lover, spouse, family or friend communicating our professional boundaries is essential.  We all deserve respect, privacy and peace in the workplace.  Being mindful of this three dimensional model has helped me and many of my clients and colleagues untangle and redefine previously enmeshed working relationships. 

If you would like to read more about emotional self preservation within personal relationships, please visit my blog Personal Boundaries under the Mid Life Lessons Section on the home page. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to share this space with me today.   I hope I have helped you remember to pay attention to your inner Rhino, Peacock and Sunset so that you are able to honour yourself and increase productivity and emotional wellbeing your working relationships.

I will sign off with these Word Vitamins today and look forward to when our paths cross again.

Coming together is a beginning

Keeping together is progress

Working together is success          Henry Ford